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[Cabbagetroll]

As the caravans are just beginning their trek to the edge of the map after a long and profitable journey to my fort, the local baron has a realization: all of those gold goblets he traded must. Not. Leave. Of course, the leave anyway. I check my prison records, and I have 18 dwarves serving consecutive sentences for commiting the heinous crime of daring to get rid of anything made of gold. One of my dwavres has a sentence of 1101 days. My baron is a total douche.

[elf-fondling human]

Wow. I suggest you reward your clearly hard-working baron with a relaxing bath. A warm bath, if you catch my drift.

[Mitchewawa]

Oh well...

What I do is use silver spiked balls. While silver is only as valuable as .333 of gold, spiked balls and large serrated discs are 12.6 times more valuable as goblets (except those come in threes, so make that 4.2). Overall it's worth more than gold goblets.

Additionally silver is easy to find, and it trains weaponsmith, which is infinitely more useful than metalcrafter.

[Tevish Szat]

I'm with elf-fondling human on principle.  though, a relaxing bath might be too sudden.  Assign the condemned bedrooms better than the baron's, de-assign the baron's tomb and dining room (and/or give them to commoners) and see if he goes nuts from it.  If he's made from sterner stuff, perhaps he doesn't need a bath just yet...

[Cabbagetroll]

Welp, a member of the fortress guard took it upon himself to administer justice to those unable to be jailed (there's a lack of chains, you see) by MURDERING THOSE ACCUSED IN THEIR OWN BEDS. I lost a high-class mason, a Legendary Fighter wrestler, and a Legendary Metalsmith before I sent the offending dwarf to his room, to live forever until he dies of old age (I've got NO_EAT and NO_DRINK on). In his spare time, he's a blacksmith, and every combat report simply calls him "The Blacksmith." It was a bit creepy.

[Vehudur]

Welp, a member of the fortress guard took it upon himself to administer justice to those unable to be jailed (there's a lack of chains, you see) by MURDERING THOSE ACCUSED IN THEIR OWN BEDS. I lost a high-class mason, a Legendary Fighter wrestler, and a Legendary Metalsmith before I sent the offending dwarf to his room, to live forever until he dies of old age (I've got NO_EAT and NO_DRINK on). In his spare time, he's a blacksmith, and every combat report simply calls him "The Blacksmith." It was a bit creepy.

No, he deserves to be killed in a horrible, painful way and then hid body destroyed in lava and a no-quality stone with his name on it.

[Tevish Szat]

A no-quality stone with his name on it erected in the refuse pile?  Set up and then promptly magma'd as well?  I think that statement is missing something.

Though I'm normally a fan of the Cask of Amontillado treatment, with noeat and nodrink it's a little less deliciously horrific.

Got any Syndrome inflicting FBs?  Need to figure out what they do?  I think the blacksmith may need to become your test subject.

Also, arming the fortress guard with bone, candy, or otherwise lightweight crossbows helps prevent rampant murderous beatings while allowing them to still fight.

[Melissia]

I armed my fort guard with wooden swords and wooden crossbows, myself.

If they need to fight, they can fight with their crossbows using serious ammo.

[Cabbagetroll]

The captain of the guard is currently beating a militia captain in the barracks. Not in a "Haha, let's spar" kind of way, but rather in a "Haha, this is going to show up in the RED C section of combat reports" kind of way. I've locked the entire military in there until they all settle down. Or kill each other. I may toss the guard squad into the cavern where two FBs currently roam.

[Ubiq]

This situation is why dwarves that like metals like Bismuth make great nobles. You can satisfy their mandate simply be smelting the bars and a complete inability to make anything with those metals besides alloys means that you can't trade away goods made from them. Just make sure to bring along plenty of the ingredients from the embark screen, order some more every year from the liason, and you're set.

The more bizarre ones like Rose Gold and Black Bronze are also useful for this same reason especially since just making the bars counts four times. Plus the metal itself is so unusual and unwieldy to make that you tend to keep better track of it than the more useful ones.

[Samuel]

What's really funny is when you have no Captain of the Guard, at which point a random civilian will administer justice for the horrible crime of not making the stupid shit Nobles want.

A dwarf randomly kicking another dwarf in the head, killing him instantly, then walking away like nothing happened is a jarring thing to witness.

[Oliolli]

So it seems a well-made fortress of complete isolation for all the important dwarves and all the ones who would be able to hurt someone else properly would be the only working system?

[hjd_uk]

Ah yes I made the mistake of making one of my best skilled and best armed Dwarves the Captain Of the Guard ... thought it would be a good thing, turned out to be more Fun than anticipated ( at least the jail was kept empty :S )

My next CoTG is going to have a wooden sword or a Candy Hammer (useless).

[Triaxx2]

Hah, I look for one with the worst possible stats. The wimpier the better. Urist McPeaceLovingHippy is a perfect candidate.

[YetAnotherStupidDorf]

What's really funny is when you have no Captain of the Guard, at which point a random civilian will administer justice for the horrible crime of not making the stupid shit Nobles want.

I never used CotG, because I hate parasites on principle and always ignore mandates. Never got any justice done, every, by anyone. Only effect was that nobles are less than pleased. If they go insane and die - good riddance.