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[Vherid]

I want to kill someone now.

[janglur]

That's a typical urge after EA.  Or DF for that matter.

Take two magma and call me in the morning.

[Pandarsenic]

Though my problem with this Satire is that for the most part... It doesn't seem like it is about Dwarf Fortress... it is like you just chose another game and called it Dwarf Fortress.

[Angel Of Death]

Heck Capcom is heading into the "zone of sucking too" and just like EA they are currently in their phase where they are being defended against (Capcom hasn't reached the point where even its fans will outright state they have problems).

Yeah... I miss the days when Resident Evil was actually Resident Evil... Not a quarter-arsed action/slightly arcadey game.

Anyway, this was pretty funny.

[Therolyn]

Meh, there's worse out there. Although I will admit the (non-graphics) quality was better in the past.

[Tiny]

If EA got the rights to DF then I guess Tarn would have to dead or something.

The loss of Our Mighty Leader would be worse than anything EA could do after that.

[Angel Of Death]

The loss of Our Mighty Leader would be worse than anything EA could do after that.

I would come up with a cunning plan to destroy EA!

In a dark time... The Gamer Crimesquad was born.

[FoiledFencer]

I would probably cry. Leaving Dwarf Fortress in permanent development hell would be better than allowing EA to slowly suck out the life force from it.

EA used to be good, but these days they run everything by formula and market-analysis. Without daring to stray from the polls, you won't get innovation - you'll get the big-budget-game from last year with updated graphics.

[Alastar]

But big budget spectacle isn't financially feasible unless you can sell the product to the unwashed masses. And in a industry moving this rapidly, the good name of a series is just another resource to be exploited.

As long as we buy overmarketed unimaginative glossed-up junk, we'll get more of the same. Games suck because gamers suck.

[FoiledFencer]

But big budget spectacle isn't financially feasible unless you can sell the product to the unwashed masses. And in a industry moving this rapidly, the good name of a series is just another resource to be exploited.

As long as we buy overmarketed unimaginative glossed-up junk, we'll get more of the same. Games suck because gamers suck.

Or rather, the fans get the games they deserve to have.

[Jelle]

If EA had the rights to dwarf fortress the focus of developement would turn to graphics, wich would mean all important ui features that are deemed to complicated get hidden behind shiny graphics.
After this the game features would be streamlined, or in other words anything then isn't easy to use or poses significant challenge to the player will be scrapped.
At this point DF would be shiny graphics with no game features as all of them have been scrapped. From this point on new features would be implementned more in line with the casual player EA mentality.
When the game would be finished, it would have no resemblence with DF as it is now except for the fact that it's about dwarves who mine and build stuff.

In other words, I shudder to think about it. 


And yeah, I really miss the old Resident Evil games as well. After playing 5 I just had the urge to erase the memory by playing through the original Resident Evil. Man that game was good.
I'd almost think the story and characters were purposely designed to be daft and retarded so that any idiot looking to shoot shit can relate to the incredibly simple characters and plot.
God they raped Chris Redfield so bad, but I guess there was something funny about having him appear with thrice the biceps size and only half the brain then how I knew him, in a very sad way.

[Gatleos]

I think this sums up EA rather nicely.

[Grimlocke]

I wish I knew a way to just organize the whole of the gaming community to march on EA's front lawn and simultaneously all take a large, steaming shit on their lawn, and the promptly leave after planting a sign that said, "We've pre-released all your games for the next decade.  Enjoy."

*applauds*

Also a lot more doable than my many magma-involving plans.

[Neonivek]

I think this sums up EA rather nicely.

Ohh Keenspot I forgot all about you. Shame Keentoons is in such bad shape... what with the lost episodes and most of the writers leaving before finishing their series.

[Urist McDagger]

EA's newest hit Dwarf Fortress: Retribution takes the popular franchise into a bold new direction. Abandoning the ASCII in favor of state-of-the-art graphics, this immersive game presents Dwarf Fortress as it was always meant to be played.

"I have always been an avid fan of Dwarf Fortress, and I'm proud to finally make it into a game that is as accessible to new players as it is for the veterans." says John Thompson from the EA marketing division. "From the first person perspective you get a perfect view to the dark, claustrophobic mines where the goblins and demons are waiting for you behind each corner."

The damage system is more streamlined, while keeping the classic splints and crutches as health pickups. The accurate bodypart-centric damage is also there, and in boss fights like the dragon you must first destroy its claws before getting a chance to strike its heart. Dwarf Fortress boasts over a dozen different weapons and an unique crafting system for upgrading them for either speed, damage or accuracy. "I always loved the detailed geology in the original game. That is why each gem has an element associated with it for a temporary stat boost."

While the plot of Dwarf Fotress: Retribution is still a secret, the pre-release cutscenes have given some insights into the new world EA has created. You take on the role of Ulrich the dwarf, and with the aid of the beautiful elven sorceress Cacame you are sent down to the deepest mines to assault the gobling fortress. Ulrich is betrayed by his commander and he discovers a great secret threatening the fate of the world itself.

The Dwarf Fortress has indeed come a long way from its humble origins and matured into a full-fledged fantasy shooter. Fast-paced combat and the dark setting are sure to make this a must-have for fantasy gamers and hardcore online gamers alike.

Details:
-Three levels raging from mines and underground caverns to the massive dark fortress
-Collect the mysterious adamantium to increase your stats and gain new abilities
-Buy new armors, ranging from rope reed clothes to golden plate mail
-5 boss fights against the most imaginative monsters ever created
-Five different weapons with three upgrades each
-Helpful support characters with healing spells and offensive magic
-12 player multiplayer with modes like deathmatch arena and mine flags

.. It wouldn't be so scary if it weren't exactly what would happen. O.o