Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[Specter513]

Hello fellow bringers of FUN, this is a topic for you to post dwarven news from around the fortresses, akin to an Associated Press format. For reference one can read Pelander's excellent article here: http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=93499.0
Happy writing!

[wypie]

A seige has arrived at BadgerWalls and the marksdwarf captian has been seen screaming AIM FOR THE TROLLS and Urist McNecro910 has been screaming MAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[Ultimuh]

I'll be watching this thread.

[carabide]

....In other news, a nude, deranged dwarf has been terrorizing Humans and Elves alike. It all started when the Police were called, when several neighbors in a village heard shattering glass. The police found several dead bodies, including a horribly mutilated child, with its head cut off, and the child's parents, who appear to of been bludgeoned to death with their offspring's head.
Several eye witnesses say they heard the murderer "screaming about the fortress having no shells". We will keep you more inforemed as police acquire more evidence....

This is the Mountain Home News, signing off......

[They Got Leader]

Late yesterday evening, a baby dwarf girl was born to a miner and a weaver. This is the  fifth child to be born to Rimtar and Urist this year--

We interrupt this broadcast to say that the soapmaker and recent migrant, Ast, who had locked himself in a craftshop yesterday has stolen the child! On the scene now is Zulbannon!

"Hello, we are here on the scene of where the kidnapping took place, and oh... oh. Armok. He's made a drum of dwarf leather! It's so perfect!"

[Melissia]

News from "The Belted Axe" in Windmonk:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

DRAFT BEING ORGANIZED?
By Shem Regikthag, 1st militia captain

Windmonk, Orosmlo-- A former peasant in the relatively peaceful Windmonk settlement has complained about being drafted into the military, and warns the other dwarves that it could very well happen to them.

"I was just admiring a fine door and the sublime, tastefully arranged trap behind it one day,"  explained Momuz Erithigath, the new militia captain.  "And then the manager came in and said 'I have ordered Fikod Lindcatten' -- the legendary smithy employed in this settlement [editor's note:  best known for producing an artifact lead mail shirt with a lesbian night hag's bride engraved on it]-- "to make a set of iron plate armor and battle axes for you and four others.  You're the new captain-- congratulations.  Now get down there and begin training.'"

Momuz further added "I don't mind being in the militia, of course-- what dwarf wouldn't want a masterfully crafted battle axe in her hand?-- but I really wish I could just go back and admire more of Tosid's masonry..."  After we inquired what her relationship to Tosid Anilcatten, the high master miner and mason of the settlement, Momuz declined to comment and said she had to get to work training herself and the other new recruits.

[Axedwarf]

DRAMA! BLOOD! COMBAT!

Yesterday, at the outside militia post, the newly formed Geared Bowels were being trained by our glorious veterans of the Lances of Selling.

Everything was going quite well when SUDDENLY, a Troll broke through the window screaming, holding an enormous frying pan and a chef hat! (our specialists tend to think he was a troll carpenter.)

No casualties have been registered. Some people wounded.
Next subject: We will talk with Melbil, 78, Axedwarf, about the link between fighting capacity and being able to walk.

[Mrhappyface]

!!The Urist Report!!
Recently, the baron of Wrunggild, having noticed the failure to produce a coffin made of adamantine for his personal tomb, decided to punch the militia captain in his fury. Unfortunately, the captain was rather upset from the loss of several of his pets to the Danger Room, and the loss of his wife after she avoided a badger by jumping into a lake. The captain decided to return the fist with a an adamantine battle axe to the skull. Needless to say, the ensuing riots have covered 37% of the fortress in blood, 23% with vomit, and 25% with a strange mixture of facial hair, booze, and animal guts. Needless to say, the final body count is around 100. Fortunately, there is now enough real estate for everyone!

[NRDL]

Posting to watch, this looks really cool.  I wish my forts were interesting enough to print news about. 

[Necro910]

A seige has arrived at BadgerWalls and the marksdwarf captian has been seen screaming AIM FOR THE TROLLS and Overseer Necro910 has been screaming MAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Fixed.

I may enjoy the dwarves, but I am not a prole 

[ohgoditburns]

The overseer reminds all those working on the demolition of the old great hall to exercise caution. Last week, Urist McCareless collapsed a section of flooring, causing debris to throw several dwarves into nearby walls. Urist McUnfortunate died on collision, and Urist McMightaswellbedead will be in traction for the forseeable future.

[PainRack]

GOBLIN SIEGE!
The Elven connection?
In the aftermath of the autumn siege and cyclops intrusion over the winter, Silver Rampart has been under constant attack after a year of peace. Signs are that this is a massive goblin invasion aimed at reversing the ill fortune her previous military adventures had suffered.

However, rumours are spreading of an Elven connection to the latest siege. How could the goblins amass such a large army after her autumn defeat? Sure this force would had been better used to secure her own borders or grow enough food for the winter. Yet, a large force, unseen in centuries had been launched against Silver Rampart in the spring. If an invasion force, why divide the assaulting force?

Official reports is that the goblins waited for the snows to melt, providing easier forage for their army in the spring assault. Viewed in this manner, the autumn attack was merely a force meant to bottle up the fort until the much larger invasion force joined it in the spring.

Silver Rampart however is situated in the cold winter wilderness of the south. Spring brings about merely more snow storms as the winds change. This report brings about little credubility

Reasons why we believe the elves are involved
1. The Elves did not bring about their usual trade caravan. Official reasons state the paltry tribute, even though offerings included valuable iron helms, including trophies taken from slain goblins.
2. The Elf normal sentries were all absent, including liasons at the mountainhome.
3. Reports of the goblin incursion was actually reported by Pointy Door sentries. However, runners to the Elven command and dwarven homes did not reach their destination. Was this an actual case of delay and sabotage?
4. how does one account for the fact that the Elves did receive knowledge of the Goblin siege? Are we to believe that small groups of elves evaded the largest goblin invasion in recent history to flee back to the motherland and other outposts? Ahead of our own elven sentries?
5. Why was no runner despatched to Silver Rampart?


There is so far no smoking gun, but enquiries to the Elven Queen and her druids had all been ignored. Or eaten. Investigations as we understand it are still continuing, even as we pay our respects and mourn the loss of the mayor daughter. Rumours of an impending draft and offensive works have so far been denied.

[Wimopy]

Breaking News Just In!

Urist McLeatherer had just made a kitten skull totem! Our reporters have been sent to the stockpiles to record its looks personally.
This is Urist McJournalist reporting from the stockpiles of Rumstorage and we can't find the totem, but I've decided to search the bottom of every barrel here just in case someone put it in one.
Three hours later.
*Hiccup* I see two catsss but no skullss... Ho! The Overseer tells me to go and have a look in the danger room.
---News Feed Ends---

   Dwarven News, documenting the everyday lives of Rumstorage, your local Dwarven Rum depository.

[Specter513]

STARTLING NEWS!
As it turns out, the goblin siege on Oiledmoons may have been an inside job! As the captives were taken to the holding area, someone left the door unlocked and the captives ran for the gates. Fortunately, a team of highly trained 'gobbo bashers' were training outside the P.O.W. camp. No Goblin escaped the scene. And now Urist with the sports! Urist?

KIDS KICKIN' A GOBBO HEAD

Thanks Urist.

[Table Turning]

First "Goblin Aquarium" unveiled at Redwork!

This just in, the dwarves of the settlement of Redwork have done something remarkable.  They have created an aquarium of goblins under their meeting hall.  Here is Urist McInterviewer's outstanding interview with the mastermind behind it all.

Urist: "Why are the goblins in the aquarium dead?  This isn't a real aquariu-"

BREAKING NEWS!
Urist McInterviewer has had an unfortunate accident, it appears that he has fell into the goblin aquarium.  No question of foul play in this incident.