Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[DrPoo]

Adventures of mutant Bill

I do not remember that party, but damn that must have been a wild one. Next day, I woke up with a horrible headache, in a pile of nuclear waste, west, just where the crows turn. I dug myself out of the pile, and headed east, into Blacksworth ruins, then further into West Rusthell. It was damn crowded that Monday, everyone was heading wherever they were going to go. Everyone seemed strangely unfriendly and they took distance to me. I wondered what the clock was. I asked a girl if she knew what the clock was, but she just ran away screaming. I was baffled. I took a look at myself, and saw my dirty acid burnt clothes, on green scarred dry chemical-smelling skin. I screamed “Nooooooooooooooooooooo!” I had never felt such agony before. When I finally came home to my apartment, the door wouldn’t open to my key. On the door was a sign, it read “Vacant” I stood there, looked at me, the door and the floor in turn, then collapsed in tears. Hours passed, and my mutant tears corroded my torn clothes. Suddenly, I heard three-four pairs of metal boots stomp in the distance; the clanking sound became louder, and louder, and suddenly, around the corner came four policemen in their rusty armour and helmets, with their jetpacks and big guns, towards me. They stopped in front of me, pointed their guns at my head and yelled “Freeze!” I didn’t know what I was thinking but I jumped out of a window, and crashed into a car, the pain was there, but it wasn’t as painful as I was imagining it to be. I saw more policemen coming, flying towards me, shooting their huge guns at me, dodging the little blue energy balls I scrambled into an alley, running as fast as I could. The alley came to a sudden stop, into a several hundred meter deep shaft, I had one choice, give into the xenophobic police force, or attempt to dive several hundred deadly meters in hope of either a painless death or a miraculous soft landing? I would not be able to stand the interrogation blatant torture, so I took the dive. Swoosh.


Its some unfinished writing i am supposed to do in english class, what do you think about it?

[NRDL]

A tip: divide it into multiple paragraphs.  It makes it MUCH easier on the eyes. 

Not bad, I like the premise, it just seems a little...chaotic.  When I read it, I wasn't really sure exactly what to visualize in my head, the descriptions were a bit confusing, but other than that, not bad.  Also, the fact that he was narrating it completely from his point of view made it, I dunno, something.  You use the word "I" too much.  That's all.  Good job, keep improving. 

[Angel Of Death]

I liked it but like NRDL said, it's a bit chaotic.

[DrPoo]

Next lil bit, not done with it yet:

Splat’s Splat-tastical Splat

Splat! I hammered into a concrete floor a few hundred meters below. I felt an incredibly horrifying pain in my chest as it fractured and collapsed, I looked up the old elevator shaft, into the sky, and saw six cops flying after me, “god damn whoever invented jetpacks” I thought. For some reason I was not dead yet, and I didn’t care much either. Suddenly I heard a huge “poof!” and flying came a grenade, hell no, I wasn’t going to sit still for that, I scrambled away with my open chest, with the ribs dangling out. The grenade hit a rusty old beam supporting the shaft, sending huge pieces of rusty supports flying in my direction, the heavy piece of debris pushed me through the corridor, into another shaft, this time it was much, much, much deeper, at least a kilometre or two, I clenched onto the beam as I reached terminal velocity.

[NRDL]

Once again, use spacing.  Also, Mutant Bill is narrating this as if he was watching the action happen to himself from a different angle.  It's...interesting.  I guess you're trying to get a very suspenseful and action-packed feel, due to the current events in the paragraph, but it's just looking...hectic. 

That is all. 

[DrPoo]

Once again, use spacing.  Also, Mutant Bill is narrating this as if he was watching the action happen to himself from a different angle.  It's...interesting.  I guess you're trying to get a very suspenseful and action-packed feel, due to the current events in the paragraph, but it's just looking...hectic. 

That is all.

Sorry forgot the spacing, i dont know i think its because i am trying to make him narrate a story, possibly while getting interrogated by Xenophobic Cops.. I dont really know :/

[Vester]

Mutant Bill is narrating this as if he was watching the action happen to himself from a different angle.

It's HP Lovecraft style!

[LutherC]

Needs some work on making the sentences make sense. For example, here's how I would do the first little bit:

I do not remember that party, but damn, it must have been a wild one. I woke up with a horrible headache, in a pile of garbage [note: nuclear waste isn't left around in piles], to the west of town. Not only did I not remember the party, but I even forgot who I was for a while, so that after I dug myself out of the pile, I headed east, into Blacksworth ruins, then further into West Rusthell.

It was damn crowded that Monday. I was surprised by how unfriendly everyone seemed -- was there something wrong with me? I wondered what time it was. I asked a girl what the time was, but she took one look at me and ran away screaming. I was baffled. I took a look at myself, and saw my dirty clothes with holes burnt as if by acid, on green scarred dry chemical-smelling skin.

[LutherC]

Here's another thought. Have you tried to plot out where the story's going? Who exactly is Bill? What is the nature of his mutation? How long has he been like that, and how did it happen? (Was that the reason for the nuclear waste pile?) Is this a story about someone suddenly developing all this weirdness and confronting a society he no longer belongs to? Or is there some other story to this? Just saying, you have the potential of an interesting story here but I would suggest fleshing it out more in your mind before starting to write.

[DrPoo]

Here's another thought. Have you tried to plot out where the story's going? Who exactly is Bill? What is the nature of his mutation? How long has he been like that, and how did it happen? (Was that the reason for the nuclear waste pile?) Is this a story about someone suddenly developing all this weirdness and confronting a society he no longer belongs to? Or is there some other story to this? Just saying, you have the potential of an interesting story here but I would suggest fleshing it out more in your mind before starting to write.

Well it actually is a story about how everyone hates/fears the weird guy, i dont know, i write word for word, try and piece meaningful sentences together, i try to live in as much as possible wth the protagonist, he is in a state of self-discovery right now, and his character is nothing but a zombie with a horrible hangover and the following amnesia. And sorry i do not know all those alternative formattings, i know (,) and (.) and i rarely use - when for example stating a thesis of the protagonist. "The door would not open, and beyond the door i heard a rumbling sound, i putted my hand on the lukewarm door, but i quickly withdrawed it - It might have been a good idea to leave that door alone" I probably horribly fucked up somewhere in this sentence i just wrote, but hell, english isnt my first language(English is my primary, a quite sad one, since i am basically forgetting more and more about Danish and German, and if i am going to abandon those languages i might consider getting a proper grammar.)