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[Zako]

Oh shit! Stab it in the eye with the ninja star!

Nick will prove his flexibility by kicking the back of both ninja's heads.

[SHAD0Wdump]

Anyone get the sense that the RNG hates this game?

[Elfeater]

>Realize name is Mr.T to gain badass.

[Tack]

There is no RNG. The GM hates this game.

Ok, throw grappling hook into high-voltage power box, shocking yourself and all of the ninja in a last act of heroism which is sure to leave you alive.

[Gatleos]

You swiftly yank the ninja star out of your eye and attempt to stab the velociraptor with it, but miss completely and drop it on the floor. The velociraptor chomps down, compressing your ribcage painfully!
Meanwhile, Nick attempts to escape from the ninjas, also failing completely. One of the ninjas lops his other arm off with his katana!

Dozens more ninjas flood into the room, surrounding you completely and blocking the exits!
NAME: Melvin T.
RANK: 18 (Christopher Walken)
INVENTORY: Mom's Car Keys | Police Radio | Utility Belt
VEHICLE: Batcycle [!]
WOUNDS: Light Bleeding (chest/arms) | Heavy bleeding (eye) | Cracked Ribcage
Balls
██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ Level 2 Badass
NAME: Nicolas Cage
RANK: 17 (Jason Statham)
INVENTORY: Sub-Machine Gun | Katana
VEHICLE: None
WOUNDS: Missing Right Arm | Missing Left Arm | Light Bleeding (chest) | Very Heavy Bleeding (left arm stump)
Balls
██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ Level 3 Badass
Abilities Discovered: I: Assertiveness | II: Instant Firearm Expert | III: Car-Fu

[Audioworm333]

Okay, I've come to the conclusion that there is absolutely no way to get out of this without dying no matter what. But still gonna try.

Melvin: Gather intense concentration and stab the raptor in the neck with a batarang. DON'T MISS.

[Theodolus]

Struggle out of the velociraptor's jaws and, waiting for the ninjas to completely surround and press in towards you, unleash an epic wave of badassery in pure energy form. This is the natural defense of a badass in a hopeless situation... right?

[BunnyBob77]

Melvin:Stab the velociraptor
Nick:Begin biting the ninjas' heads off.

[Yoink]

Melvin: Pull a smoke/stun/flash grenade out of the utility belt, pull the pin and drop it.
Nick: Roundhouse kick time!

[Tack]

I think Gatleos wants to end this game...

[Time Blossom]

Clearly, the horde of ninjas flooding into the room must be the Queen's honor guard. Therefore, this is clearly the time to pull a Data.

Allow yourself to be seduced by the Ninja Queen and made into her head drone, then decapitate her when you're alone before you actually get around to the Bene Gesserit breeding programs production of a half-Ninja, half-Badass army and start the Ninja Apocalypse.

...Or just go with it, and become the God-Emperor of Mankind. Better you than Rob Schneider.

[QuakeIV]

GRAB THE POLICE RADIO, CHANGE THE FREQUENCY RANDOMLY, AND CALL IN A MILITARY AIRSTRIKE ON YOUR POSITION, DESTROYING EVERYTHING BUT YOU AND CAGE. DO IT NOW.

[Gatleos]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

I think Gatleos wants to end this game...

Nah, the RNG just hates you with the burning intensity of 2d20 suns.

The velociraptor makes its move, attempting to snap you in half with its definitely-scientifically-accurate jaws of death. But just then, your hands shoot out, grab both ends of its jaw and snap its neck like a twig! You then proceed to stand up, push over the water cooler and surf the velociraptor's corpse across the water-slicked floor toward Nick! You toss batarangs left and right, disarming and disabling the ninjas who get in your way!
Nick bites a ninja in the head and squirms out of his grasp, then stands up and stumbles around in a stupor.

You randomly fuck about with the police radio, looking for a clear channel. Finally, you come across a transmission.
"Melvin? Melvin, what are you doing? Is the Batcycle okay?!
NAME: Melvin T.
RANK: 18 (Christopher Walken)
INVENTORY: Mom's Car Keys | Police Radio | Utility Belt
VEHICLE: Batcycle [!]
WOUNDS: Light Bleeding (chest/arms) | Heavy bleeding (eye) | Cracked Ribcage
Balls
██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ Level 2 Badass
NAME: Nicolas Cage
RANK: 17 (Jason Statham)
INVENTORY: Sub-Machine Gun | Katana
VEHICLE: None
WOUNDS: Missing Right Arm | Missing Left Arm | Light Bleeding (chest) | Very Heavy Bleeding (left arm stump)
Balls
██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ Level 3 Badass
Abilities Discovered: I: Assertiveness | II: Instant Firearm Expert | III: Car-Fu

[Theodolus]

Melvin > reply to Batman. "No, the ninja fucked it all up. Said something about it looking gay or something" (in the hopes he'll assist us in a rage of ninja hate). Then grab the gun from Nick and go to town on the remaining ninjas.

Nick > hacks a path to the nearest set of stairs using the katana.

[Zako]

Nick has no arms! He can't hold a katana!

Tell batman that the bike is fine, but nick is disabled, he lost both arms. We took a ninja star to the eye and almost got chewed in half by a raptor, but are otherwise ok. We could REALLY use some help with all these ninja.

Snatch up two katana and kill all ninja that get near nick. Nick should get to some cover and have a rest.