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[Gatleos]

Feeling a bit cocky, you knock over a stack of papers in the back room. You then grab a cup of soft serve from the freezer and get behind the counter. Business is slow today. Should you wait for a customer to come in, or ditch this dump?
NAME: Melvin T.
RANK: 20 (Rob Schneider)
INVENTORY: None
WOUNDS: 1st degree burns (mouth)
BALLS
██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ Level 0 Badass

[NRDL]

Ditch dump now. 

[Yoink]

Go out on the street, grab the first person you see and (gently, but firmly) bring them inside to buy something, giving them a badass sales pitch.
In a loud voice.

[Tack]

Nah, sit and eat, and wait for a customer. Chuck norris may be a badass - but he never fails in his duty.

[Gatleos]

You can't seem to work up the guts to go drag someone off the street, so you sit and wait. After about ten minutes, an unbelievably fat man hobbles through the front door and approaches the counter.

Tubbo: "I WOULD LIKE SEVENTEEN BURGERS MAKE IT SNAPPY"
NAME: Melvin T.
RANK: 20 (Rob Schneider)
INVENTORY: None
WOUNDS: 1st degree burns (mouth)
BALLS
██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ Level 0 Badass

[NRDL]

Make the burgers, then shove them down his throat. 

[Zako]

"Sure, how about a helping of JACKASS with that? Be paitent, you'll get your burgers when they are ready, no sooner or later."

[Audioworm333]

"Sure, how about a helping of JACKASS with that? Be paitent, you'll get your burgers when they are ready, no sooner or later."

[Gatleos]

"Sure, how about a helping of JACKASS with that? Be patient, you'll get your burgers when they are ready, no sooner or later."
The tubby man begins to cry uncontrollably. You roll your eyes and turn around to pass the order to the cooks.
Tubbo: "THAT'S IT, I'M DONE! THAT'S THE LAST STRAW!!"
The fat gentleman rips open his shirt, revealing a vest strapped with explosives!
Tubbo: "EVERYBODY ON THE GROUND!!"

LEVEL UP!!!
You've taken control of your life! You're far from a true badass, but it's a start!
NAME: Melvin T.
RANK: 19 (Nicolas Cage)
INVENTORY: None
WOUNDS: 1st degree burns (mouth)
BALLS
██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ Level 1 Badass

[NRDL]

AWESOME. 

Throw something heavy at the fat terrorrist's head, knocking him out dramatically.

[Yoink]

Fling a spatula through the air with a manly grunt of exertion, severing his hand at the wrist and sending his hand, still clutching the detonator, clattering to the floor. Then say, "You want fries with that?"

[Pandarsenic]

Find the nearest blunt object and break his jaw and hands with it.

Also, can we keep in mind the distinction between "badass" and "douchebag," or at least try?

Randomly antagonizing people isn't badass. Standing up for ourselves without being pricks unnecessarily is.

[NRDL]

Fling a spatula through the air with a manly grunt of exertion, severing his hand at the wrist and sending his hand, still clutching the detonator, clattering to the floor. Then say, "You want fries with that?"

You're just copying the movie Hancock.  Other than the one-liner, of course. 

[Yoink]

Hancock's not badass? Whut you talking about?

[NRDL]

The whole "slice off a guy's hand with something that prevents the detonator from being activated" trick.