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[mainiac]

Xuan O'Donahue

[Audioworm333]

OH SHIT I DON'T REMEMBER HER NAME WHAT DO I DO FUCK
Forget the date, just keep driving like a fucking boss.

[Gatleos]

Xuan! That was it. How could you possibly forget a name like that? Maybe you'll give her a call later on.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a horde of cloaked figures rounds the corner at the intersection ahead! It's a crowd of... ninjas? The group of ninjas runs out into the road and blocks your path! You swerve to avoid them, crashing into a telephone pole and knocking out the passenger side window! The ninjas start running toward the car!

"Stop right there, ninjas!"

Nicolas Cage leaps down from a nearby window and begins spraying the mob of ninjas with sub-machine gun fire!

NICOLAS CAGE LEVEL UP!!!
Nicolas cage has reached level 2.

"They just keep coming! There's too many!"

NAME: Melvin T.
RANK: 19 (Teddy Roosevelt)
INVENTORY: Mom's Car Keys | Pain Pills | Police Radio
VEHICLE: Mom's 1987 Hatchback [!]
WOUNDS: 1st degree burns (mouth/left leg)
BALLS
██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ Level 1 Badass

[Taricus]

Begin asskicking the ninjas!

[mainiac]

((Cage is now more badass then Teddy?    ))

Violently shove your door open, slamming it into a ninja, hop up onto the top of the car and fight them off king of the hill style.

[BunnyBob77]

Run over the ninjas.

[Karnewarrior]

WAIT, how is Teddy Roosevelt not in the top 3 badasses?! He once rode a horse farther than anyone in history. Why? Because he could. He built the Panama Canal. By hand. He killed an battalion of enemy warriors. With one shot. Chuck Norris got the way he is today by drinking from Teddy Roosevelts shot glass, where he drank down the alcoholic blood of Cthulhu every night for twelve years. Teddy Roosevelt once leapt out of a biplane and landed on his feet. Teddy Roosevelt caused global warming when he ran to Great Britain to buy tea because he was out. Teddy Roosevelt didn't use his fists because if he did the universe would implode. Neville Longbottom once had an argument with Teddy Roosevelt, but he backed down because Teddy was too badass.

Moral: Don't fuck with Theodore Roosevelt. Or his offspring, who were fairly badass too.

Anyways;
>Melvin: search the glove compartment for an improvised weapon, like a lead pipe, a piece of string, or a warhammer.

You know, the kind of stuff you keep in a glove compartment.

[lawastooshort]

Drive car into middle of ninjas, light gas tank with burning leg, and walk away as it explodes, killing all the ninjas and knocking Cage over.

[Gatleos]

You throw the car into reverse and run over the crowd of ninjas, then yell to Mr. Cage.
"Get in!"
"Wha- I- okay."
Nick rolls over the hood of the car and jumps in through the passenger seat, and you stomp down on the gas pedal!
"Thanks for the help back there."
"No problem. What the hell is going on?!"
Nick looks surprised for a moment, then pulls back his sleeve to reveal a tatoo in the shape of... of...
"You're what the hell is going on, kid."
"What?!"
"I assume you already got the telepathic message from Chuck. You're the heir."
"So these ninja's... they're-"
"Here for you. And this is just the beginning. Man, you're lucky you ran into me. I can-"

*SKREEEEEEEEEEE*

"Shit, it's the cavalry!"
Looking through the rear-view mirror, you see about a dozen ninjas riding... velociraptors?! They're gaining on you!"
NAME: Melvin T.
RANK: 19 (Teddy Roosevelt)
INVENTORY: Mom's Car Keys | Pain Pills | Police Radio
VEHICLE: Mom's 1987 Hatchback [!]
WOUNDS: 1st degree burns (mouth/left leg)
BALLS
██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ Level 1 Badass

[BunnyBob77]

Borrow cage's machine gun and mow them down.

[Armok]

> Drive up some stairs! Raptors can't climb stairs right?

[Taricus]

Rear-end the raptor-ninjas with the car, then head to Xuan's house (Or flat/apartment/dwelling)

[mainiac]

Throw the car into a turn then run the raptor ninjas down.

[HailFire]

Sheesh, not quite level 2/20 and we're already battling velociraptor-riding ninjas with car-fu.

At what level are we qualified for Kamina shades?

[Gatleos]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Well, you are in a car. Anyone can run over ninjas in a car.

...You need at least level 16 to wear Kamina shades.

Throwing the car into reverse again, you spin around and charge the velociraptors!
"Uh... what are you doing? We're- godddamnit, stop, we're going to slam right into-"
You slam into one of the velociraptors, splattering it across the windshield!

LEVEL UP!!!
You are reaching the upper limits of human badassery. To continue further, you must break the superhuman barrier and begin training as an action star.

"Damn. You're learnin' kid! Alright, we need to get somewhere safe, and fast. You have anywhere in mind?"
"Oh yeah."

Minutes later, you arrive at Xuan's house.
"This your house?"
"Nah, it's my girlfriend's place. Xuan O'Donahue."
"Xuan... O'Donahue."
"Yeah, she's half Chinese and half Scottish. Like that one Starburst commercial."
"You making shit up, kid?"

What now?
NAME: Melvin T.
RANK: 18 (Nicolas Cage)
INVENTORY: Mom's Car Keys | Pain Pills | Police Radio
VEHICLE: Mom's 1987 Hatchback [!]
WOUNDS: 1st degree burns (mouth/left leg)
BALLS
██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ Level 2 Badass