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[AaronLS]

Not ever had anyone who has called me a boyfriend.  I'm a few months from 30 now.  I made a real effort to be more outgoing and improve my appearance for a couple years.  It was a rough transition, having friends critizize everything about me including my crooked teeth to the.  It really hurts to have to mentally accept those negative qualities before you do something to fix it.  But I have given all the suggestions a try, and really feel like a different person.   I never believed in judging people on appearance so it took awhile for me to accept that I had to always put my best foot forward.

I will keep my pity party short.  I have tried really hard and it seems every approach I've taken never gets far.  I feel like I'm a decade behind everyone else in social skills and eventually it shows.  Lots of factors in play etc.

Anyway, I like this girl, and at one time she liked me(told me one time I was "perfect" but was to afraid to leave her BF for me, no cheating took place FYI).  She broke up with her boyfriend a few months ago.  She acts like she would like to go out with me but the couple of times I've asked she made excuses, seems to flip flop between being aloof and occasionally talking to me.  I don't want to be pushy but at the same time I'm afraid she will feel like I'm not trying hard enough.  It seems like either strategy I try in the past with girls has backfired.  I hate how You only have one shot with a great girl and they randomly let such trivial thing be the deal breaker.

For the last few years when I'm really sad like this my heart hurts with sharp pains.  Its kinda scary. Its like really?  And this to on top of everything else?  I try to exercise and am not overweight.  I've read about how long-term depression causes heart problems.

I've tried professional help, both therapy and medication.

Now I can't sleep anymore, and its seriously ruining my career, which is the only thing I have left.

So I just feel like I've come at this thing with every angle I can. I have tried and failed so many times I don't have it in me anymore.  I wish I was like "Urist McNoHands" and infinitely tried to pick up my shield and sword, but I'm not a dwarf.  I play computer games like this for the sam reason I program, for a short while my mind is so occupied I am not sad.

[MetalSlimeHunt]

You should probably get a heart examination. Chest pain like that can be a sign of potentially fatal conditions.

As for your relationship problems, the only real advice I can offer there is to try not to think about it.

[Angel Of Death]

You should probably get a heart examination. Chest pain like that can be a sign of potentially fatal conditions.

This. A heart examination is the best way to find out what's wrong.

[Mindmaker]

What those guys said.
I mean I had something similar, at the peak of my depression, but you should check it out nonetheless.

Also who knows if she was truthful with you.
I mean those things are easily said, if you're in a relationship and have an 'excuse' to not act upon them.
It's one of those nice little socially accepted lies, I hate so much. Like saying "I'll miss you" to somebody your hardly know or hardly interact with, ergo somebody you won't miss at all.

I not saying that everything she said was a lie. I may be a half-truth. You may be a perfect friend, but not boyfriend material to her.
Just don't pin your hopes on a single person. That doesn't end well.

[nenjin]

You gotta be capable of loving yourself before anyone else can love you.

Some people are born loving themselves. They like most everything about themselves and it radiates as confidence, a lack of self-consciousness. Some people are blessed (and cursed) with that. Some of the rest of us aren't so lucky. We have to learn how to like ourselves.

The honest truth of what that means? You have to be prepared to be alone, for the rest of your life. You have to able to live with just you, and like just you and not make your happiness dependent on another person. Only when you can say that without lying to yourself, can people starting meeting the real you...and not the you that's always dragged down by feelings of inadequacy. If you don't like who you are, how can you honestly expect someone else to like you? Affection based on pity is not real. (Also, the girl? Any girl that's dating someone else and uses the words "you're perfect" is playing you for emotional support.)

Women, even nice understanding women, hate self-loathing in men. They hate it even more as they get older. They can smell it a mile away. Which is ironic because plenty of women are self-loathing too, which you find out when you date one and really get to know her and her personal hang ups. They hate it because it reminds them of them.

Anyways, go see a doctor about your heart. That's not good and emotional pain is possibly aggravating a condition. And don't hate who you are because someone hasn't found it attractive yet, or someone else has found it unattractive. I won't lie and say there someone for everyone, or that some horribly deformed person can find love against all odds like it's a promise. Because that would be lying to you and giving you hope that maybe you can get out of this without learning to love yourself, and the possibility of being alone forever.

[ChairmanPoo]

It's likely just anxiety, from what you are saying. Maybe combined with GER.

[Vector]

As far as the heart thing goes, I really wouldn't worry about it.  I've had similar problems, for similar reasons.

You seem like a sweet dude, OP.  Keep trying, and have faith in yourself.  My mother dated for pretty much the first time when she was 30, and everything worked out well for her (I'll say nothing about my father, who did some things he shouldn't have).  So, really, don't worry.  You may be alone, but you're not the only one =)

[Seriyu]

Basically what Nenjin said. (I disagree on a few points but they're not important to the argument here) I kinda had an issue with this and I basically had a friend of mine slap me about the head and face with the "Stop being such a wuss (and I really was being one, jeez, looking back )" and I tried to be a bit more optimistic and look ahead to stuff that didn't involve people (Not nessacerily going out of my way to avoid people, although I still have problems with that at times.) to keep me optimistic which helped a lot. Still haven't managed to catch up to most people socially, or get a girlfriend but I feel like I'm moving along at a decent pace nontheless, and really in the end that's the important part.

There's nothing wrong with being a nerd and you've got a site right here with tons of people willing to back that up I'm sure. Don't let anyone tell you your hobbies are bad or anything of the sort, that's a decision you need to make yourself. If you're happy doing something, then keep doing it. There's nothing wrong with looking better and working out and such if you think it'll help, but in the end you have to get self confidence.

Talk to people, even people online help (Although it's good to meet people in real life too, obviously.), and think about things you didn't like and try to improve them. Get an internet messenger of some kind, add a few people from B12, and just keep chippin at it. Having people that encourage you is going to help a TON, so don't be afraid of bragging about stuff to people that seem interested in it if you think it's awesome.

Keep at it! Don't give up on anything, keep pushing forward even if it looks bad. Best thing about this sorta stuff? It won't give up on you unless you give up on it.

Annnd yeah prolly get that heart thing checked out, sharp chest pains are never a good thing.

[GlyphGryph]

Well, if you've never had a girlfriend of any sort... Have you actually been on dates? Have you tried, say, dating websites? (OkCupid is really good, I'm getting married to the girl I found there, and 30 really isn't a bad age - lots of 24-27 year olds, and they tend to go for guys 3-5 years older than them, so...)

[AaronLS]

Well, if you've never had a girlfriend of any sort... Have you actually been on dates? Have you tried, say, dating websites? (OkCupid is really good, I'm getting married to the girl I found there, and 30 really isn't a bad age - lots of 24-27 year olds, and they tend to go for guys 3-5 years older than them, so...)

Congrats Glyph.  Yeh, that is a good site and has netted a few dates, but nothing that really went anywhere.  There's been a couple where it seems like we have a good time together and get along great, and then not even have an understanding of what went wrong.  With most things in life you get some sort of feedback that lets you know how you screwed up so you can try something different next time.

Usually ends with them either completely ignoring me after a couple dates, or saying they just want to be friends.  The just want to be friends thing would be nice if they really meant that, but I find they don't actually ever wanna hang out anyway.

[GlyphGryph]

Heh, yeah, I've been there. It definitely takes more than a couple tries, to be honest! Those I know who really buckle down and decide "I need a good boyfriend/girlfriend" tend to manage a few a week for a while (until finding whoever they were looking for). Now, I've never been able to keep up with that sort of pace, but you don't actually need to, just good to keep it in mind (and these are people who are experienced at finding people to go out with). Luckily, there's always new people hopping on the site. Also, I have a tendency to actually ask, pretty clearly (making sure to indicate I'm fine with it, just interested), if I think things didn't go well (only after they've refused a second date, of course! I've had things that I was sure went poorly only to find out they didn't). I've had mixed results with that, but some comments were helpful. I'm actually pretty damn terrible at dates though, which is why I don't usually go on them, and I think dedicated dates aren't really the best idea anyways (personally, different things work for different people though). I've had a lot more luck just talking and socializing online with someone for a while, getting to know their and my interests, and then inviting them to something I'm already going to do anyways, like caving or hiking or bike riding or fishing or billiards or bowling... it really depends on the girl, to be honest! And on YOU having strong hobbies and making them clear from the outset. And then be sure sure to introduce a bit of romantic tension, maybe a couple subtle innuendo, make it clear while that I enjoy being with them as friends and having fun, my intention is otherwise. You need to FLIRT. Plus, flirting can be great fun. Compliments, playful jabs, that sort of thing.

Something active, followed by something relaxing, is, in my experience, a good idea for a first date - even if it's as simple as a round of pool followed by a meal out or, even better, a meal you whip up together at one of your places. Dates based solely around passive activities like dinner and movies and stuff never did much for me - I, and most of the people I've dated, really need a bit of time together to loosen up before we are put in a situation where we have nothing to do but talk to each other, even if we've talked for weeks online.

Something good to keep in mind, if you have friends, it doesn't just have to be the two of you. A lot of times that can make things feel pretty awkward for both parties, and it might be easier if each person brings a friend or two. Sometimes one of the best options is going on some sort of public outing or trip where your communication means you actually know each other best, already, of everyone on the trip. And you're not really trapped together since there are other people around to talk to and its possible to enjoy them by yourself. Kayaking trips are good for that around here. Again, depends on you and the girl though. For some hobbies and situations that doesn't really work with, and for some girls they really want something a bit more intimate.

Mostly though, I've found its about knowing what you want and who you are, and making it very clear - answering the questions as honestly as possible and stuff and limiting your profile to things you're actually really interested in. And exploring other avenues and the like as well. Also, you read like you're desperate as well, which is never good. Take a genuine interest in the other person, enjoy them for who they are, make it clear you're looking for something more intimate (but not TOO much more intimate, people don't want to be pressured into something serious early on), and keeping up the sexual tension is a good thing even if you don't intend to have sex.

[Gearskull1]

I know heart ache, I'm feeling it a little right now and it sucks. It's a bastard thing but you have to love yourself and not give a fuck about the people who hurt you. When they hurt you, you have to get over it and realize that you are amazing, and if they cant see it you will show it to someone else. Heartache is the worst kind of pain though. It just is this hurt and mush of feelings that you are constantly having to deal with. You can forget it for a bit, and then it comes back. My advice is to confront it, let it embrace you, and then laugh at it. Because its pretty funny. Get over that shit and come back stronger.

[Mindmaker]

men can't understand women, but they certainly understand us.

What a nice generalization.

[Vector]

Ditto on Mindmaker.

[Bauglir]

I find that the type of genitalia a person has does not affect my ability to understand that person. They're all pretty much the same degree of confusing.