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Author Topic: Things Bay12ers can no longer do in a RPG  (Read 37192 times)

Bdthemag

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Re: Things Bay12ers can no longer do in a RPG
« Reply #285 on: September 18, 2011, 03:53:36 pm »

444. A player cannot attempt to start the game before the GM is even there.
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Itnetlolor

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Re: Things Bay12ers can no longer do in a RPG
« Reply #286 on: September 18, 2011, 03:58:28 pm »

446. No matter the campaign setting, I cannot host "Top Gear".
 446a. I cannot be introduced like "The Stig".
447. Spraying the floors of my air/spaceship or lair with teflon is not a proper security measure.
448. Getting a full suit of armor in a single go at a forge doesn't make an "Ensemble Cast".
449. Windmills cannot be used as propellers.
 449a. Nor waterwheels.
450. Regardless of driving skill, I am discouraged from reenacting the Dukes of Hazard.
 450a. If the airtime with the car lasts longer than usual, I cannot sing "Chitty-Chitty Bang Bang" in mid-flight.
451. Visiting places that look like their architecture was M. C. Escher inspired, although cool, are out of the question. They're a bitch to navigate.
452. My character can not be introduced as a man "living in a van down by the river."
 452a. Any characters made after Chris Farley characters are not permitted.
453. CPR will not revive someone that took a bullet to the head.
 453a. Nor Aloe Vera to the neck for someone shot in the foot.
454. I cannot defeat Lady Luck with my bad luck.
 454a. Nor any methods involving rhyming her name.
455. Trolling the social network account of my nemesis/villain is a mean way to defeat them if it leads to suicide.
 455a. If ever the victim of such an attack, I'm not allowed to accumulate the funds/means to investigate my oppressor and return the favor taken up to 11.
  455aa. That includes hacking into their bank accounts and breaking their bank, hacking into a criminal database and getting them arrested for all sorts of crimes (FBI or CIA would be a bad idea, since they'd investigate how this came about, and start hunting me down) and jaywalking, and while they're imprisoned, hack into their social security and mark them off as deceased. (I actually did this in Uplink before. Poor bastards never come back from an attack so savage.)
456. I cannot defeat the Lord of Darkness with a hug.
 456a. Unless it's part of the plot that we were either related or were once close.
457. If the big bad is a highschooler (or within the age group), I cannot fight them during their prom in tune to "Ballroom Blitz".
458. Putting epicac in as an ingredient for MREs is truly in bad taste (especially on the way up).
459. My familiar cannot be a cyclops named "Richard".
 459a. He cannot be stuffed into a box and delivered as a gift.
 459b. Describing him doesn't add to my seduction check.
460. Fluid bombs filled with Bengay is a bad idea.
 460a. Dropping these into hot tubs or hot springs is a REALLY bad idea.
 460b. Setting one off at a nudist colony is a really really really bad idea.
  460ba. Especially while nude.
 460c. Said bombs filled with any kind of waste (animal or human waste) is certified as chemical weaponry.
461. The following are forbidden from being in my inventory: Water balloons, Tabasco, Epicac, any spice hotter than black pepper, garlic, Bengay, Scope, Mentos, Cola, Candiru, shaving cream, teflon spray, dry ice, a large slingshot, saran wrap, duct tape, and a slinky.
 461a. Speaking of which, I cannot play as MacGuyver.
462. If a campaign takes place in Jersey (Shore), dressing up as an Oompa-Loompa doesn't count as a successful infiltration.
463. Phoenixes don't qualify as self-sustaining self-cooking self-replenishing meals on the go.
 463a. They aren't pre-seasoned or spicy either.
464. My battlecries can't be in theme of Dr. Seuss.
 464a. They can't be yelled while on a moose.
 464b. Such an act won't result with truce.
 464c. This idea has run quite loose.
 464d. HUGGBEES!!!
« Last Edit: September 27, 2011, 11:57:53 am by Itnetlolor »
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Taricus

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Re: Things Bay12ers can no longer do in a RPG
« Reply #287 on: September 18, 2011, 10:20:03 pm »

465: Not allowed to do anything that will result in daemons being summoned and the main villan being traumatized.
466: Not allowed to summon Daemons for killing dark eldar in their own city. We have to play fain and do it ourselves.
467: ALWAYS Treat your guests nicely. Otherwise hilarity ensures, and it ain't pretty.
468: NEVER leave mining equipment laying around, things end up messy otherwise.
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Yoink

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Re: Things Bay12ers can no longer do in a RPG
« Reply #288 on: September 18, 2011, 10:24:12 pm »

465: Not allowed to do anything that will result in daemons being summoned and the main villan being traumatized.
465a: Especially not if it involves said main villain's genitalia. :o
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Itnetlolor

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Re: Things Bay12ers can no longer do in a RPG
« Reply #289 on: September 18, 2011, 11:41:23 pm »

465: Not allowed to do anything that will result in daemons being summoned and the main villan being traumatized.
465a: Especially not if it involves said main villain's genitalia. :o
465aa. Telefragging the main villain's genitals by summoning daemons within them is taking things WAY too far.

466. A stuffed Teletubbie, or at least one put in living stasis, is not a replacement for my old TV.
467. Fraggle Rock doesn't have any traps that involve ‼SCIENCE‼.
468. A Prius cannot power a tesla cannon.
 468a. Nor a giant bag of lemons.
  468aa. Same applies to potatoes.
469. I am not permitted to use a deli slicer for any reason.
 469a. Among the reasons is cloning an Eater of Worlds by slicing it into thin slices, and breeding them to full size so I have an army of them.
 469b. Fleshballs aren't made/grown for deli slicers in the first place; even when cooked first.
470. I cannot celebrate the 4th of July with nuclear weapons.
471. No pranks involving fleshballs are permitted.
 471a. Fleshballs aren't water balloon substitutes.
 471b. Fleshballs aren't baseball/softball replacements.
 471c. Throwing a sack of them into a turbine or propeller blades, and then saying that somebody fell in will depress many people, and earn me a "What the Hell Hero?".
  471ca. I will have to clean that mess up myself.
« Last Edit: September 19, 2011, 12:27:10 am by Itnetlolor »
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Itnetlolor

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Re: Things Bay12ers can no longer do in a RPG
« Reply #290 on: September 26, 2011, 04:14:21 pm »

472. Yelling out "Red Robin!" will not reveal assassins or rogues from hiding by forcing them to respond with "Yum!".
 472a. Same applies to revealing any ambushe(r)s.
473. Dream recorders are forbidden from my inventory.
 473a. If watching a playback of a dream causes SAN loss, I lose karma.
 473b. Any dreams that can compromise the reputation of any higher-up/authority/politician is frowned upon.
  473ba. Especially if used as false evidence of an act they didn't do.
  473bb. Doing so as a politician myself will only cause me even lower Karma.
474. Fishing with EMP pipebombs is frowned upon.
 474a. Unless it's used to kill off a school of deadly fish/sea creatures attacking people, then it's a possible exception.
475. Even if my rigging skills are sufficient, I'm not allowed to build a tank out of a Lamborghini chassis that also moves just as quickly.
 475a. I cannot build a vehicle that uses ferris wheels as wheels.
476. There's no such game to hunt as Turduckens.
 476a. Nor Tofurkeys.
 476b. Nor Turbaconducken or Turbaconepic
477. As a summoner, I cannot summon creatures that don't exist or can possibly exist.
 477a. Above examples included. Especially if to hunt them.
 477b. Colorful Elephants (like Blue Elephants) can't be summoned because they're so damn hard to kill (unless you know the joke).
  477ba. A Blue Elephant Gun cannot be part of my inventory exclusively for this reason.
478. I cannot control God's army with a PSP.
« Last Edit: September 27, 2011, 11:39:00 am by Itnetlolor »
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Taricus

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Re: Things Bay12ers can no longer do in a RPG
« Reply #291 on: September 26, 2011, 04:18:30 pm »

479. Not allowed to give the daemon the middle finger, right before he's about to get lanced/bombed/obliterated.
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Itnetlolor

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Re: Things Bay12ers can no longer do in a RPG
« Reply #292 on: September 26, 2011, 04:20:24 pm »

450. I cannot use spring breakers or party animals (usually too dumb to live variety) as decoys to hunt bigger game or the big bad bounty.
451. Burning books is not a precaution in case one of them happens to be the Necronomicon or similarly powerful dark book.
452. Gallagher comedy routines are frowned upon whenever I'm armed with a (super) sledgehammer.
 452a. The "melon" of my enemy is not an exclusive target.
 452b. I cannot lead a squad armed with such equipment with a squad name "Smashing Pumpkins" or any variety involving similar puns or band names.
453. I'm not allowed to gib my target in the direction of my squadmates or allies intentionally. (related to 452)
454. I'm not allowed to order a fruit cart at a certain address while I'm in a car chase.
 454a. Nor panes of glass.
455. No bringing vegetarians/vegans with me when raiding a slaughterhouse.
 455a. Redshirts are also not allowed for many (pretty obvious) reasons.
 455b. Same goes for fleshballs.
456. The remains of my allies or enemies are not supposed to be used for a puppet theater (marionettes) or as ventriloquist dummies.
 456a. Not allowed to be used to "cheer up" either party.
457. B.O. from not bathing for over a month is not an efficient way to stealthily knock out a target.
 457a. Nor render a car undrivable because it's gone "Beyond" B.O.
458. I'm not allowed to assault my targets (big bad and otherwise) by sneaking pig carcasses into their daily vehicle and letting them rot inside over time (especially if the vehicle isn't in use for weeks, and sitting in the hot sun).
 458a. Sneaking fleshballs into the car/jet/etc. engines while they're inactive is just not right.
 458b. Sneaking (Africanized) beehives inside air (conditioning) vents is also frowned upon.
 458c. Putting saran wrap over the toilets of the enemy base counts negative towards my karma score.
 458d. Putting saran wrap at 'head level' over the doors of the enemy base is a bad idea.
 458e. Setting up chin-up bars at ankle-height on the doors of the enemy base is an equally bad idea. Especially at the same time with (d).
 458(x). All of the above shall never be applied simultaneously during a mission.
459. Duct tape does not a spare tire make... maybe.
460. Reprogramming an interrogation droid to operate on "Dominatrix Mode" gives me negative karma.
 460a. Especially if there's no safe word programmed into it.
461. Claiming to be an Athiest doesn't make me immune to magic. Although it was worth a shot.
462. Wielding an alloy weapon composed of just about every metal is more impractical and troublesome than it's actually worth. Even if it was designed to kill just about any were-creature in existence.
 462a. Selling it as a kill-all weapon will likely bite me in the ass in the future.
463. Offering my mysterious friend a cup of milk laced with colloidal silver and chocolate powder is not a nice way to figure out what were-creature it (possibly) is. (especially if it's a werewolf)
464. If teamed up with a lactose-intolerant partner, I'm not allowed to exclusively stockpile cheese, milk, and any other dairy product in our rations.
465. A "means to an end" as a solution is not a math problem.

EDIT:
Yes, I adjusted the list to make another pun. :P

Have fun figuring out what it is.
« Last Edit: September 28, 2011, 02:16:15 am by Itnetlolor »
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Supernerd

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Re: Things Bay12ers can no longer do in a RPG
« Reply #293 on: September 27, 2011, 03:06:12 pm »

480: Ants no longer give the minimum of 1 exp, so you can no longer pour boiling water down an anthill to level up.
 480a: Single celled organisms do not give exp either.
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TherosPherae

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Re: Things Bay12ers can no longer do in a RPG
« Reply #294 on: September 27, 2011, 03:18:19 pm »

481. You will not shove your head in the restaurant vents because you can't afford to eat there.
482. You are not allowed a nuclear backpack, nuclear rocket launcher, or nuclear mini-submarine.
483. "There is nothing to fear but fear itself" no longer applies when a monster composed of pure fear is summoned, and repeating the axiom in this situation will earn you a slap to the head from the group medic.
484. I will not kill the monster of pure fear by throwing it into a sun.
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Being vengeance and the night could only be improved by being the ballpunching vengeful night.
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Itnetlolor

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Re: Things Bay12ers can no longer do in a RPG
« Reply #295 on: September 30, 2011, 01:52:20 am »

485. Giving Ents or similar species (tree/plant creatures) a bottle of weed-B-gone in a Miracle-Gro bottle is a mean method of execution.
 485a. Better than firing a pressure-hose of saltwater at them.
 485b. Or feeding them a cocktail of carbonated sports drinks.
 485c. Or "fertilizing" them with a jar of termites or fire ants.
 485d. Ents are not "portable weapons factories".
486. Building a treehouse out of an Ent's old friend on them is uncalled for.
 486a. Naming the fort after said Ent is furthermore uncalled for.
487. Working with Slavers to infiltrate their compound by selling them a slaver from another faction/compound is hard to determine regarding morality (I think this belongs in Even Evil has Standards).
488. If someone asks you to kill them off as a favor, please, because you have their consent to, don't find the most horrible way to off them.
 488a. Related to 485, setting one on fire is not the right way to go about it; nor stripping their bark and fibers gradually so you have them on hand as a tinderbox.
  488aa. Nicknaming the Ent "Tinderbox" may get you killed instead of fulfilling their request.
489. If going to a region labeled "The Far Side", Gary Larson is not my preferred alias.

(Okay, so I recently visited Oasis in FO3, and I couldn't resist. :P)
« Last Edit: September 30, 2011, 01:58:55 am by Itnetlolor »
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Blade Master Model 42

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Re: Things Bay12ers can no longer do in a RPG
« Reply #296 on: October 02, 2011, 09:00:35 pm »

490: Forcing the GM to keep track of no less than five different sets of initiatives, battle maps, and character and enemy health is heretofore strictly forbidden.

The Fool

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Re: Things Bay12ers can no longer do in a RPG
« Reply #297 on: October 02, 2011, 10:32:30 pm »

491: Just because your character can lift a house off the ground doesn't mean that you can put it on the end of a stick and use it as a hammer.
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TherosPherae

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Re: Things Bay12ers can no longer do in a RPG
« Reply #298 on: October 02, 2011, 10:42:16 pm »

492. The name of my weapon may not be a singular string of profanities.
493. My weapon's name will not take over 4 lines of text on a screen of reasonable size.
493a. This rule cannot be avoided by typing the weapon's name in size 2 font.
494. I will not attempt to revive Billy Mays unless he had plot-relevant information before he died.
494a. The cost of Shamwow, Oxyclean, Mighty Putty, etc. does not count.
495. A Billy Mays zombie does not get a +2 to intimidate checks.
496. There is no Gnomish Micheal Jackson.
497. Playing 'They're Taking the Hobbits to Isengard', whether by headphones, loudspeakers, or boombox, does not give you a +8 against orcs.
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Quote from: Aqizzar
Being vengeance and the night could only be improved by being the ballpunching vengeful night.
Quote from: Cthulhu
Gotham's mysteriously high mental illness rate isn't so mysterious when you find out Batman thinks subduing a guy means spiking his head into the pavement like a football.

Scaraban

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Re: Things Bay12ers can no longer do in a RPG
« Reply #299 on: October 03, 2011, 07:46:13 pm »

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