Okay. I guess I'll report in now.
Played my first game. I picked Enigma. Because he looked cool and something something makes minions.
Wandered around a bit. Some dude told me to "go jungle". Fortunately, he pinged the map, so I knew where jungle was. Wandered over there. Didn't see anything. Went across the river. Died to some things on a path off a dead forest area.
Proceeded to dick with the shop. Couldn't figure out how to use my newly bought items. Decided to head for one of these towers that are perpetually under attack. Got killed by another player I assume.
Figured out I needed to be back in the way far ass corner to get my items. Spawned a donkey and told it to go to the "secret shop". It got killed.
Apparently I get to control my teammates if they drop. Like I needed more things to micromanage.
What the fuck, there are like several dozen pages of shit to buy.
I guess I kill the NPCs to level up so I can try to not get my ass handed to me by the other team. Oh, and buy stuff. And .. do stuff with the bought stuff.
Leveled up my abilities, but they only seemed to annoy whatever I was trying to attack.
I'll check in again when I decide to brave my second game of DOTA2.