I really feel the need to rant :/ Feel free to rant with me... provided it's "productive" ranting. No bashing other members of these forums, no breaking forum rules.
I have to be honest... I hate myself. I hate how I dress, how I talk, how I relate to people on a daily basis. I hate being gay, I hate it when I try to imagine myself being straight, I hate God, I hate not believing in God but I hate myself for believing in him too. I hate how I seem to talk on a different "wavelength" than other people, I feel like I have to constantly translate my thoughts for most people. I'm not saying I'm smarter than them, I'm saying I see the world in some bizarre way that's different from other people. And people look at my strangely when snippits of my world escape in my words. I hate how life constantly throws problems at everyone. But I know there's nothing I can do. Yet I wonder how many of those problems are caused by people who just don't care. My faulty connection is probably one of those, I doubt the company cares whether we have good internet or not. So I try to care to keep my problems from passing onto other people, but sometimes... I can't help but give up sometimes. And I hate myself for it, and I can't help but blame myself for causing the inconvenience for others.
I try my best to care for others, but I wonder if anyone really cares for me. It's hard to love my family. I love my Dad, he tries so hard to keep everything fixed and keep himself happy. I hate my Mom. She complains constantly about everything, she... there's no way to describe how much I hate what she does to everyone around her. I'd say she's borderline emotionally abusive, and probably needs professional help. She lives in her own little word where she's perfect, the universe revolves around her, and if anyone tries to wake her up, she plays victim or accuses them of being mean to her. She won't outright say she's the "queen" of our family, but that's how she acts. She takes her anger out on everyone at home. She will actually yell if someone accuses her of not caring (yes, she'll actually yell and throw a temper tantrum. Sure she's done a lot for me in the past, but emotionally, she's only destructive). She's sarcastic to the point of extreme bitterness. I'm also sarcastic, and one of my greatest fears is that sometime in my life, I'll turn into the emotional abuser she is and never realize it. I'm afraid to start any kind of romantic relationship because of that. I don't want to be controlling, I don't want to be... her. My older brother has schizophrenia paranoia, and we can't find a medication to help him get back to normal. The current meds keep him from being a danger to himself and others, but now he will go from being walking vegetable to someone almost like himself, but not really. My younger brother is a pilot, and he's getting married this month. And my mother... good grief what is wrong with her. She actually hung out with her future daughter in law, they seemed to have a great time, they even watched TV together. The minute my brother and his fiancee go home, my mother goes on a ranting rampage about how much she hates his fiancee. *sigh*
I hate my life. I hate how I put so much work into school, and here I am, working a $9/hour seasonal, part time job, and I hate my job. Other friends? One friend is writing an app for the iPad, and he just got out of college this year <_< So many people are finding their callings, so many people are getting married. And where am I? Nowhere. Living at home. With a mother who will probably drive me insane or smother me with emotional abuse. What can I do? I can write. And I can't get myself to write. I'm going back to school, but now I'm wondering that's going to pan out. My friends are encouraging me. But will it work? So many of my friends are succeeding in life. I succeeded in school, but now I'm failing life.
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Topic: Emotion dump (Read 974 times)