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[HunterBlackLuna]

Anusdimple is under attack! A Cyclops showed up at our doorstep, so I ordered the military to arms and the civilians inside. Dude moved fast but I managed to get the only dorf outside, a Hunter, to safety in time. (He had two kids, and a wife, so I made a special effort.) I was so relieved! Then, of course, I noticed something.



SIRE WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING OUTSIDE OH MY GOD RUN RUN

I have no clue what my Baron thought he was going to accomplish by wandering outside, after the civilian alert had gone out. Was he going for a woodland stroll? Perhaps some fishing? This genuinely distresses me a little because he'd never issued anything but like bans on the export of quivers and other stuff I didn't care about. For a Noble, he was downright decent. Especially compared to my Mayor, who is directly responsible for two deaths and many long jail sentences for the crime of living in a fortress that can't make pig iron or fine pewter.

The Baron does the Benny Hill with the monster, but the Cyclops is a bit faster on a straightaway and steadily gains ground. I'm just about at the point of trying to draft him so he can at least try to pull a Titanslayer and punch the Cyclops' brains out, when...



Things get interesting.



Strategic projections indicate a marked increase in fortress !!Fun!! stockpiles very shortly.

[Corneria]

Oh wow. You better post how this turns out.

[Pan]

I'll bet 100 dwarf bucks the baron dies, the crossbow squad kill the cyclops and elven caravan.

[Urist Imiknorris]

Hehe, "Baron Urist Von Screwed."

[HunterBlackLuna]

There's no way the Baron can avoid confrontation, so I draft him into the empty slot in a militia squadron and issue orders for the entire military, 1 squad of leather-armored dorfs, 1 squad of metal-armored dorfs, and 3 fortress guards, all with scavenged Gobber weapons ranging from bronze maces to iron scourges and a steel battle axe, to ATTACK! All available assets begin the charge out of Anusdimple's main gates, our militia commander leading the attack with the banner of the Radiant Daggers flapping in the breeze. We fear they may be too late, at least to save the Baron.



With a single mighty kick, the fell beast puts the Baron on the ground, before the Goblins can fire off more than a few poorly aimed snap shots.



The fight goes about as well as you'd expect. The baron doesn't even get a hit in before being brutally crippled. As though the Cyclops' assault wasn't bad enough, the Goblins close in from the other side and add injury to injury.





More skulking filth arrives just as the final blow is struck! The Baron gasps out his final words, with no Dorf ears in range to hear them: "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry... It's okay to sell quivers..."



The Goblins and Cyclops turn upon each other once their common, hated enemy is dispatched. For reasons that may remain lost to history forever,  the Cyclops now wields a fungiwood training axe that does nothing to regular clothing, even imbued with the strength of an abomination.





The Goblins do not play at war, however, and the beast is dealt with in shockingly short order.

With the Baron beyond saving and the cowardly Elves fleeing from the carnage with all speed, there is no need for the military to launch their assault. The order is given to withdraw and seal up the great fortified gates, but this is too much for the commander to take. The charge continues, and every fighting Dorf streams forward with vengeance in their souls for their lost ruler.



In their eagerness for the blood of the vermin, the commander and half of his troops charge towards the enemy while reinforcements struggle to catch up. This melee will be almost equal until second squad can pass the gates.

[SirAaronIII]

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry... It's okay to sell quivers...

This just cracked me up.

[elf-fondling human]

This is an epic tale. I will stick around.

[Urist Imiknorris]

I think Baron Von Screwed was trying to cut a tree down. It would explain the training axe as well as why he was out there in the first place.

[Gergination]

I think Baron Von Screwed was trying to cut a tree down. It would explain the training axe as well as why he was out there in the first place.

Cutting down a tree with an axe made of wood.

What is this, Minecraft?

[HunterBlackLuna]

I think Baron Von Screwed was trying to cut a tree down. It would explain the training axe as well as why he was out there in the first place.

Yeah, that's probably it. Poor man, I'd even tried to remove the designations and stuff to avoid that. It's so sad that he died trying to get off his lazy ass and help the fortress as opposed to our lovely murderous Mayor.



The foolish, bumbling heathen Elves stumble across a third force waiting in ambush, on the edges of the map and far from any assistance we might be impelled to offer. We do not expect much from the Elves unless one of the Goblins happens to hit a tree by accident and unleashes their insatiable inner hate.

Help is coming for both sides, then, but we still outnumber them two to one and our troops are closer to the brawl. The lead Dorf into the teeth of the enemy shows the fruits of his training and Dwarven courage as he enters a martial trance.



By all that stands in Armok's light! The Goblins must have planned this attack carefully, waiting for the day when we sallied forth from our fortress to spring their devlish trap!

[HunterBlackLuna]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lV3SHBFyDZM

[HunterBlackLuna]

In the face of severe casualties, the military fights on. The militia commander, one of our best fighters, works through enemies like nobody's business even while his comrades are being torn to ribbons.

The commander is a hero to his troops, and has amassed far more glory than anybody else, thanks in part to his beloved axe. When the Goblins attacked years ago, he nearly obliterated them on his own while his troops were useless. In this battle, he performs similarly; every Goblin that has fallen as done so by his hand.



"I mean, sure, half my guys have been brutally killed and my fingers hurt, but by the Gods if that wasn't a splendid table back there! Overall, can't complain, can't complain."

The surviving Goblins beat a hasty retreat! We have paid a horrible price for our victory. Eleven military Dorfs gave their lives in the harsh melee, in addition to the child and the Baron. One of the merchants still lives, and the Cyclops lies dead.

If the commander wasn't on the field, we would have lost everyone. We were not prepared for this day.

[elf-fondling human]

A+, would read again. Good job, sir.

[BodyGripper]

Great stuff! 

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry... It's okay to sell quivers..."

Best part.  Sigged!

[HunterBlackLuna]

Wow, thanks. I've never been sigged before, that's like a Bay12 rite of manhood or something.

I'll bet 100 dwarf bucks the baron dies, the crossbow squad kill the cyclops and elven caravan.

Yeah, that's pretty much exactly how it played out. Based on past reading I expected the Cyclops, a high-level beast, to clean house with Gobbers. I suppose he shouldn't have stopped to scavenge the Baron's training axe and he might have wrecked at least a few for us.