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[Grim Portent]

Because Bay12 is an evil biome.

Why do caravans try to trade with forts in deadly environments?

[Ora_the_Owlish]

Why does my militia get crushed by a FB, and meanwhile, all the civilians go past the beast or around the battle and go unaffected?

FBs prefer canned food.

Then, when the militia is dead, how does a random thresher bring it down unassisted?

Fighting on a full stomach gives wicked cramps.

Why do vampires go after Legendary Armorsmiths instead of Dabbling Lye-Makers?

[flame99]

Because there was a perfectly haul-able stone mug exactly one Z-level below him, even though he would have to walk out of the fortress, trek across the map while puking, and descend a massive staircase while fending off demons in order to get to it.

Why did the OP say that we could have serious answers, despite the fat that we, as Bay12, will never actually do that?

[Mr Space Cat]

Just in case someone felt like being serious for once. You never know, it might happen. Kinda like how it might rain ice cream tomorrow.

Why is Urist such a popular dwarf name?

[Monk321654]

It's hilariously ironic. Urist, as you may or may not know, is dwarven for "dagger". Dwarves are anything but sharp.

Who got the idea to utilize magma in over-complicated traps?

[Ora_the_Owlish]

It's hilariously ironic. Urist, as you may or may not know, is dwarven for "dagger". Dwarves are anything but sharp.

Who got the idea to utilize magma in over-complicated traps?

Armok created magma for the express purpose.

Why don't kobolds ever quit?

[Yerv]

Kobolds aren't the greatest scholars, and as such, can't write down recent deaths.

Why do kobolds have the ability to turn invisible?

[Ora_the_Owlish]

That's not the power of invisibility. That's the power of no one giving a damn.

Why are dwarves' skulls so thin?

[TheDarkStar]

Why are dwarves' skulls so thin?

They aren't, they just don't have brains large enough to be padding.

Why will dwarves always make the most useless artifacts possible (like adamantine hammers and silver swords), especially when they are possessed?

[InfinityOrNone]

Because Armok finds their attempts at murder with Wiffle Bats and Anime Swords to be amusing.

Why do my dwarves keep abandoning my stone stockpile yet continue to haul wood? Or abandon work all together when I turn off all hauling but stone?

[Ora_the_Owlish]

Stone is not to be hauled, but caressed and admired.

Why won't elves accept my +Fungiwood Bracelet+? Fungi aren't even plants!

[InfinityOrNone]

Because elves failed biology. And ethics. And life.

Why do my dwarves keep going berserk when the hallway to their bedroom is lined with ☼statues☼ in about 40 overlapping statue gardens?

[enolate]

Because elves failed biology. And ethics. And life.

Why do my dwarves keep going berserk when the hallway to their bedroom is lined with ☼statues☼ in about 40 overlapping statue gardens?

They're the wrong color.

Why do enemy dwarves avoid flames, but not friendly ones?

[Liber celi]

It's friendly fire.

Why do all these mods include so many castes?

[Swonnrr]

Because having 10 legendary potash maker wasn't enough, no. Now you have Potash Maker Savant, even better at their job!
And all that only at the price of a few useless skills, like... everything.

Why can't dwarves stop aquifer flooding by dropping sand bags from above?