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Hol-

-Derp

[Stworca]

Spoiler: Index (click to show/hide)

Update 1 - History is on Our side.
Update 2 - Tackling the Bear
Update 3 - Your Turn, Spain
Update 4 - Spain vs Creative Assembly
Update 5 - Drawing Circles
Update 6 - Them Spaniards
Update 7 - Morale Breaking ABC's
Update 8 - Siege of Capua
Update 8b - Siege of Capua : Aftermath
Update 9 - Pain
Update 9b - Uphill
Update 10 - Victory (The End)
Bonus fight 1 - 167k Praetorian Cav

This LP will not have roleplaying, it's aimed at taking the fight to the grounds of hell.
Spain gameplay can be compared to waking up in the middle of the night, and finding out, that the OTHER side of the pillow is warm too!
Spain is losing your sight during an all-night porn marathon.
Spain is dropping the soap in prison shower.

And then the Marian Reforms will take place.

I have no idea how will we fare, or how long will we hold out.
The LP is interactive, but not everyone can have a general. In order to qualify, you have to pass this test.

Without further ado.. Let's die.

Spoiler: The Extra-Spicy Sauce (Difficulty, Self-imposed challenges) (click to show/hide)

We begin with the usual "LOL, Your forces will now be peasants against any valuable AI unit"


And proceed with "Them Romans sure have it hard"


More screenshots will be added, as we proceed with impaling our crotch on a spike.

Also, the following limitations are in effect :
- No more than 3 generals in ze army (I have moved it from 2 to 3)
- No rushing them Romans
- No all-cav armies
- No all-bulls armies
- No alliances
- No mercenary-boosting-city-population
- No trade rights
- More to be added (maybe)

[monk12]

Seriously, that damn bird gets around.

[LordSlowpoke]

Let's just go on and claim a general when it's still possible. Don't want to wait until one dies to get a chance.

[Sheb]

I want the faction leader! Also, only my blind faith in your god-like abilities make me think we have a chance. This is insane.

[JacenHanLovesLegos]

I'd like a general. Male if possible.

[Neonivek]

To admit Spain is amazing... So it is a good choice for extremely hard difficulty.

Heck they are amazing in Medieval 2 total war (they have one of the only unique units that remain good from the start of the game to the end)

Seriously, that damn bird gets around

Some birds have AMAZING migrational paths.

[KaguroDraven]

I notice there is no rule against Assassin Spamming. I shall be an assassin.

[Stworca]

Spoiler: First steps (click to show/hide)

As Spain, we begin with 4 cities. Our capital : Asturica.
With our Faction Leader (Sheb! He who passed the maze), 2 Scutarii (Almost as good as Roman hastati), 2 Round Shield Cavalry (One of the worst cav in game) and 1 Skirmisher (regular trash unit that dies to anything that moves) group. We move everyone, set taxes to "You have to sell your kidneys to pay them", build roads and quene peasants in RQ.


Scallabis : With a random general (His biography states that he's very slow), 2 Round Shields and 4 Skirmishers. Again : Move out, Roads, Extreme taxes and peasants.


Carthago Nova! : Random general (By the name of Jacen), Scutarii, Skirmishers.. and 2 units of town militia (There are very few units which peasants can win against. Town Militia is on that list). Same deal as above.


And finally, our wall-less stronghold : Osca. (Have i mentioned that Spain can not build anything better than Wooden walls, that even the wolf from "Three Unwashed Swine" could destroy with his filthy breath? When i found out about this, i died a little inside)
We move our general, cav and skirmishers, but leave them Town militia inside. Roads, extreme taxes, but no peasants.


We have also bought mercs (Warez version of Scutarii, with 2 less attack)
Turn 2 begins with the obvious build report (Have you expected us to live that long?! Me neither!)


I accidentally offered Carthage trade rights while selling our useless maps.. (i will fix it in the same turn, don't worry) Also : Yes, they will pay you that much in the first turns.


..and moved my diplomat.. So i had to break the trade agreement with other method : WAR. Sadly, only my general and 2 cav units were fast enough, so for one turn They will siege the city alone. (what can possibly go wrong?) But just in case They get attacked, i buy the second avaliable group of mercenaries - Slingers.


..God damn it. Where did They get the experience bars from anyway!?

Spoiler: First Field Battle (click to show/hide)

I pick a high ground, as close to right flank as possible. (The enemy reinforcements will be arriving from right side.)


Notice how we're using a different color for this LP! DIVERSITY! We position our slingers in the middle. If the enemy would charge them, we'd encircle the fools!


First maneuvering success of the LP!


First fool of the LP!


We were quick enough, so now we have to worry only about their army. We use the exact same tactic. (There went the diversity..)


Our slingers score a few volleys, and..


THere is one upside for playing as Spain. Our general is blue, and we can see him just fine!


..Although it was nigh impossible on the last screenshot. Focus, viewer, it's not RTW version of "Find Wally, because he stole your wallet".


..It appears that with the loss of their infantry unit, Carthage has decided to regroup.


Moments like this make any cavalry, even as useless as Spanish one, a deadly tool.


An opening, ANY opening, is where them useless Spaniard shields are as good as anyone.


..Except Armenian, Scythian, Macedonian, Parthan, Pontic, Seleucid, Roman.. ok, ok, ALL Cavalry units.


- What the hell.. are we winning?
Yes, General, we are.


First pointless, but good looking cavalry chase of the LP.


And first scoreboard! WOOO!


We find out, that the city we sieged was called Corduba.. (I just siege stuff. Don't expect me to know what i'm attacking)
I pick  enslave, to boost city population. We NEED it.


On the following turn (Turn 3! I never played that long as Spain) we sell our maps to Gaul, and siege their city too. Notice that i've positioned my general north-west of the city, on a hill. It gives us an edge in case of attack.


Now the let's play will get a bit crazy : Check this out, we survived two more turns, and now begin the siege of whatever-the-hell-the-city-is-called. (I don't know why didn't the Gaul attack us either)


Sheb is a hundred years old, so he'll be the first one to charge and take a beating. Onward, to our first siege!

Spoiler: First Actual City Siege (click to show/hide)

We have a huge advantage in javelin-throwers, so the sane thing to do is charging the walls.


Look at them Javelins fly! YAY! (Our walls will also be THIS small when Roman stacks will siege us with their Urbans, Cyborg-Archers and Heavy Onagers)


The gate is down.. But unwashed enemies wait for us..


So we bash a wall with the ram (Stone walls can not be bashed with a ram..)


Do we even get onagers as Spain?


I know we get wardogs, and 16 units of wardogs can take a unit of Spartans!


Their cavalry took only 56 casualties. I call BS on their retreat, and set a trap.


Can you see the trap yet?


How about now?


I repeat it offscreen, and wipe out both of their cav units. Then we move inside.


..I guess this warband thought that on VH they can take us all.


Well.. yes, but only if they were chosen swordsmen or urbans.


That warband routed, in a bit you'll see one that doesn't. But let us position ourselves closer to them barbarians!


We now know why Gaul was conquered by Julius Caesar so easily.


Their generals got tricked, and died to a combination of Roman Flu and..


...a spear thrust to the face. (mostly the flu)


All the Flu's get a code, no? Like h5n1? Let's name the Roman Flu "H20"


It's funny, because i'm implying that watering down their alcohol-only diet was the undoing of native Frenchmen.


It makes sense, They allowed us to outflank and wipe out another one of their groups. Take a close look at our numbers now and remember them..


..We're charging a warband from ALL sides with heavy cav, useless cav and scutarii...


But standing in the city square makes their morale unbreakable, so They slaughter dozens of our forces. Still, we won.


I have to say, it's going nicely. Now we need just take care of Gaul that siege Osca (yes), and.. What is this.. a ship? Heading our way..?


..Fuck.

[Jacob/Lee]

I wanna be a general.

See if you can take over the world!

[Dsarker]

I'll be a diplomat this time.

[Stworca]

To admit Spain is amazing... So it is a good choice for extremely hard difficulty.

Wait.. what?

Am i being trolled? Spain is the single worst faction in RTW 

[Neonivek]

Rome Total War? hmmmm...

Ohh

[inteuniso]

I wanna be a general! Still haven't figured out that damned maze though.

[Neonivek]

I wanna be a general! Still haven't figured out that damned maze though.

Technically the maze is impossible. You can't go through the maze.

You can go through that large tunnel that goes between two mazes... but not through either maze.

[Taricus]

Oho, Here comes DOOM!