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[Stronghammer]

hey bay12 im writing a book that you guys helped to inspire heres some of the prologue tell me what you think

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

“Retreat, Retreat for your lives!!!” The order was screamed out by the platoon captain before being drowned out by his screams as his body was burned and torn apart by the cleansers flame. They were ruthless and deadly efficient in their slow methodical pace. They “Cleansed “everything they could see, watching as countless soldiers attempted to flee only to be licked by the approaching flame and then combust into a magical flame holocaust.
   It was clear the Dark Ones had won the battle the army of Vakt was routed and it seemed that non would survive the ordeal. This was just another lost battle in an endless tide of losing battles with the Dark Ones in the war of the light.
   The war of the light started a hundred years ago with the discovery of lament. The world back then was ruled and controlled by magic. Magic was used to do everything from fighting to doing the laundry or mining. The land was ruled by 3 kingdoms, the Kingdom of Sparken populated by the dwarves, the kingdom of Vakt populated by the humans, and the kingdom of Harth populated with elves.  These three kingdoms co-existed peacefully for centuries side by side. This all changed with the discovery of lament.
   It all started when magic suddenly began to not work, there was wide spread panic. Riots began to occur in the cities demanding the nobility do something about the situation. The anger and blame didn’t stop there kingdoms began to turn on each other one blaming the other for the loss of magic. The Elves were hit the hardest as they were most in tune with the flow of magic and used it in its most pure and natural form. The Dwarves were the least effected of the kingdoms as they relied on a system of runes and enchantments rather than the actual flow of magic. This resulted in the humans and elves blaming and condemning the dwarves. This led to the war of the races, which lasted for two hundred years.
   The war was brought to a dramatic close when suddenly lament was discovered. No one knows were it came from or how it works. The elves believe that lament was magic in crystal form and was created by nature. The humans believed that it was the blood of the god of magic, Magir who must have been slain by the other gods. The dwarves believed that it was a rare mineral that they just had never discovered before. Regardless of its origins lament changed the world. It was discovered that when in the presence of lament ones spells could and would work. This led to a massive celebration throughout the land. The war was at an end magic was back.
   Then another event occurred the dwarves discovered that  lament when in the presence of flame in the forge helped to strengthen the metal and imbued it with magical strength. This led to the creation of the Forge of Light. It was a giant magical forge created deep in the capital mountain of the dwarves and it contained power so great that any item forged in it was deemed a magical artefact. The dwarves and the rest of the world entered and golden age for 50 years peace and prosperity sweeping the land with these discoveries. Then came “The Fall”. The dwarves by accident discovered that lament could be used as a power source for machines, and that it could be used as a weapon its self. They discovered that lament in any form other than its crystal form corrupts any living thing. It taints, twists and mutates any living flesh it comes in contact. This gave rise to the “Forsaken”, those poor souls who had fallen under the corruption of the lament and were no longer living thinking beings. Forsaken became mindless creatures bent on the death of everything they came into contact with. The Dwarven King Frignig the Wise banned the use of lament as a weapon and made it illegal to change lament from its natural crystal form. The High Council however disagreed with the King and in secret created the Dark Forge. The Dark Forge was a secret facility, were the dwarves continued their experiments and production of lament fuelled weapons, for service to the Council. Six years later came the Great Divide or the Great Split to the other kingdoms. King Frignig discovered the forge with its experiments and weapons, and became furious. For the crimes the council committed Frignig condemned and banished every dwarf who had worked with the council and the Dark Forge, to the southern wastes. These dwarves became known as the Dark Ones or the Dark Dwarves, they vowed they would exact their revenge on the Kingdoms and destroy every one.
   The Dark Ones disappeared for twelve years only to reappear with armies and devastating weapons of death and destruction. They then waged war on the three kingdoms, and for the next 10 years were unstoppable. The battle with the Vakt was just one more step on the road to revenge.

[Quarynn]

I seriously don't believe you wrote that because your writing on the forums and the prologue are from different worlds

[Stronghammer]

um i said inspired by bay12 not what i have written here before and saying I didn't  write it based on my low level of activity or past writings is a bit rude but you are entitled to your opinion and i appoligise for apprently wasting the community's time.

[Quarynn]

Sorry then

[Fenrir]

Quarynn's point is that the manner in which you write your posts and the manner in which that prologue is written are very different. The prologue uses mostly proper punctuation and capitalization, but, if I may be so blunt, your posts do not.

[anzki4]

Quarynn's point is that the manner in which you write your posts and the manner in which that prologue is written are very different. The prologue uses mostly proper punctuation and capitalization, but, if I may be so blunt, your posts do not.

To be fair, it seems all his stories (ie. community games and stories) seem to use correct capitalization and punctuation. Only his "normal posts" do not.

[freeformschooler]

Quarynn's point is that the manner in which you write your posts and the manner in which that prologue is written are very different. The prologue uses mostly proper punctuation and capitalization, but, if I may be so blunt, your posts do not.

To be fair, it seems all his stories (ie. community games and stories) seem to use correct capitalization and punctuation. Only his "normal posts" do not.

That's decently understandable. For instance, I'm backwards -- my formal writing and projects, in addition to bay 12 posts, include "proper" punctuation and grammer (as best as I can do typing fast, of course), but on the rest of the internet I care a little less. And even here sometimes I throw it all away.

Anyway I enjoyed reading this, but it feels less like a prologue and more like a section of a mythological backstory to some awesome thing.

edit: actually that's not backwards at all, that's mostly forwards. :V

[Quarynn]

I think I got him, he did not write that but inspired by that!

[Stronghammer]

ya I created it as a back story to the main story as I was told by some friends that they wanted to know why things are the way they are, i just figured i could use that in the prologue. And yes i am a very sloppy writer unless im driven to write something really nice at which point  I make as sure as possible everything is correct. And Freeformer thanks for the thoughts and understanding, you too Anzki4, and Fenrir.

[BunnyBob77]

It's okay, but there are several errors.  Also, "king frignig?" I really think there could be a better name.  It was a good prologue though.  You could write a very good story on that basis.

[Stronghammer]

thx and ya i know there are several errors its an on going war to kill them all. The name currently is just a stop gap until I can come up with something a little more creative and fitting, I've just never been good with names. Anyways thx for the feed back.