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[Dsarker]

That sucks. Don't force yourselves to do it if it's being a bitch.

[monk12]

I know that feeling.

[Stworca]

In other news : All of our cities that have ports are building ships each turn, and nothing else.
In unrelated news : All of our cities that can have ports and connection to Mediterranean, do have ports. 
Also : Rebel groups are kind enough, to give us new generals whenever i send garrisons to wipe them out.
Last, but not least : one of our assassins has FINALLY reached a reasonable level, and now roams the land with 9 "eyes".

In other words : We're building up.

[Zrk2]

I enjoy the updates for a couple of reasons:

A. Seeing the tactics, I mostly build up full stacks of heavy infantry (In MEdieval 2) with a couple archers and cavalry o nthe side and then let the VHE or knights smack the crap out of the opposing troops until they chain route.
2. The humour, while somewhat jubenile is still utterly hilarious.
D. I like rocks.

Any advice for fighting armies with lots of skirmisher/javilineer/light infantry in them? I'm trying to take the Iberian peninsula as France and staying in (cliched) character and so fielding no dismounted knights, meaning my only heavy infantry uses the spearwall (I can disable it, but I keep trying to get them to face a cavalry charge properly and failing) and an assload of peasant archers, they're not that bad when you mass five units of them.

[Dsarker]

Cavalry, cavalry and MORE cavalry!

[Stworca]

Spoiler: Rise of an Empire (click to show/hide)

Narrator : Armenia. Once a small, dirt poor nation of hopeless fanatics, has grown to be a powerhorse in the Eastern world. Egypt, Greece, Seleucid Empire, Pontus, Scythians and Parthans have united to stop the green wave, and their combined forces outnumbered the Stoner Empire greatly.
Yet, against all odds, the mounted archers - led by the evil ruler of darkness, Santa - pulled one miracle after another, def--

Who the hell are you?!
- He came free with the palace guards.
I see. Have him join the infantry. We have rams to be pushed!
- As you wish, supreme leader.
Narrator : What?! No! I don't want to wear one of those silly uniforms!
But without it, you wouldn't attract any arrows.. How dumb are you?
Ezekiel : What do i do.. What do i do!?
What is it?
Ezekiel : The tribe of hairy women attacks my forces!


..Hmm.. hmm.. How about this : ORGANIZE YOUR TROOPS AND ATTACK, FOOL!
Ezekiel : I mean.. they don't field women.. do they?
What? Females on the battlefield? No, they don't.
Ezekiel : In that case.. ONWARD!


- That's one weird general, right here. I wonder what made him fear women so much..
Slagathor von Bergfreud : WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?! Oh.. Ezekiel. YOU BETTER HIT THEM GOOD, YOU SON OF AN EGYPTIAN SHOESALESMAN!
My guess would be, that she's the cause.
- The way she's looking at me..
Burns, doesn't it..? Guard? Quickly, give her a goat to slaughter! Do something to make her leave!


Army Group "Jerusalem", are you..
: Egyptians held us, we can not reach it in time.
: I'm on it.


Slagathor von Bergfreud : JUSTIN! YOU (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) FUCKING (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) LINDSAY LOHAN (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted)
: Honey.. please..
Slagathor von Bergfreud : NO! LOOK AT BEARDFACE! THAT'S A SUITABLE MAN FOR ME, NOT YOU!


Umm.. Slagathor.. Now it's a bit too late to pi--
Slagathor von Bergfreud : YOU picked the husband for me, Santa!
Ah yes.. Why did i pick him anyway?
- His family bribed you with a fancy rock, Sir.
Ah, you mean Christopher Stone. Yes, i remember now..


: The city is ours, might i suggest exterminating nine tenth of the population?
Slagathor von Bergfreud : RAVISH ME, BEARDFACE!
- What is the punishment for adultery in Armenia, sir?
Eee... I don't understand the question..?


- Sir, are you drunk again?
What.. HOW DARE YOU?! I haven't been drinking since the siege of Alexandria.
- But.. The siege of Alexandria has started just now...
Touche.
: We're bringing happiness to Alexandria!


: ..Mercenaries, are the Egyptians happy already?
Mercenary Hoplite Captain : No, sir. They are still attacking us.


: Silly Egyptians.


: Gather around the fire. I'm going to tell the story about the happy woodland critters once again. Once upon a time--
- What fire, sir?
Alexandria..


Egyptian Survivor of Alexandria's Massacre (yes, him) : I shall run to Memphis, their walls will not fall to these barbarians!
: Barbarians also attack Egypt?

*after long, uncomfortable minutes*
Egyptian Survivor of Alexandria's Massacre (again) : ..uhm.. yes.. Our walls..
Ah, right.. YOUR PATHETIC CITY IS INFILTRATED BY OUR SPIES!


(look how big these walls are.. you need onagers, spies or casualties to deal with them)


Egyptian Archer #1 : Ha! Look at those tiny Armenians!
Egyptian Archer #2 : Hey, what is this, poking me in the bu-- is that You, Alexand-- wait...
Sneaky Mercenaries : SURPRISE!


- Praised be Stone! The gates are open, and the way is clear!

Pharaoh (the son of the one that died in Alexandria, who was the brother of the other one, that died in Jerusalem) : Balls..

Spoiler: Domino : Eastern Empires Edition (click to show/hide)

Pharaoh (the brother, of the one that died in Memphis, who was the son.. you get the idea) : We've managed to stop their spies, and our army is on its way! Thebes might be saved yet!


- Sir! Sir!
What is it?
- It appears that one of our guards was a spy! He was leaking information to the Seleucid Emperor all the time! They are attacking our forces outside Damascus.
 It's their last city. Their ruler has nowhere to run
: Let him come!
- That's what she--
*SMACK*


Pharaoh : Hey! Can we focus on Egypt here?! Siege of Thebes?
Do you really want your nation to die before the Seleucid?
Pharaoh : Oh, we still have one city to flee to.
: Salamis?
Pharaoh : Yes, how did yo--- oh...


How is the battle going, Beardfa-- Damn!




I guess.. we won..?
Pharaoh : You did.. Can we go now?
(victory 1 achieved. Seleucid wiped out)


No.. You must ALL die!
Pharaoh : What?! THIS IS MADNESS!
Leonidas : THIS IS---


ARMENIA (we'll get to you in a bit, Sparta)


Narrator : Once Damascus fell, Armenian war machine quickly overwhelmed and destroyed Egypt. First Salamis fell.


Narrator : Then, the reinforcements for Thebes were stopped, with just one swift assassination.


Narrator : Without a capable general, Egyptians were too slow. The Armenians attacked..


Narrator : With the death of the last Pharaoh...


Narrator : Thebes fell..


Narrator : ..and Egypt, along with it.


Narrator : Armenian forces were preparing, for an all-out invasion. Carthage, Greece, Rome itself.. They wouldn-
*SMACK*
..what? He just wouldn't shut up! How did he get back here anyway!?
- No idea, sir.
Have you executed the Seleucid spy?
- No, sir, he escaped.
Well.. Execute someone else! This guy for example..
Scythian Spy : Me..? Damn it all! FOOLISH ARMENIANS! I was spying on you all the time! My mission is done, and my death will not prevent the inevitable!
No, your death will change nothing. That's why we slay your key generals..


..and burn down your cities.


Not to mention that your son is here.
Little Kid : Dad..!?
Scythian Spy : Don't say anything, my son.. I am a fool, and this is all my fault.
Little Kid : But i was about to say that : You're a fool, and this is all your fault...
Slagathor : HA!
...Can we keep him?

[Stworca]

Despite wasting a turn here and there, to make the LP somewhat more interesting (combat wise) we've still advanced too quickly. Romans are dozens of turns away from Marian Reforms, and everyone who is not Roman or Greek, is nearly wiped out by the last two.

Pre-Reform romans are pushovers, thus i will :
- Add 10k population to a random roman city, so that they can build Imperial Palace, and trigger the Reforms.
- Allow them to build up for a few turns. (LESS than 5 years)
- Proceed with vote "D" = TOTAL WAR (which thankfully had the most hits)

Hopefully this will make the silly AI a worthwhile opponent for a few updates... i should have picked Spain..

For statistic and graph freaks, here is a special screenshot

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

(To answer your question : Dick Mountainjoy and 5 navals)

[monk12]

(look how big these walls are.. you need onagers, spies or casualties to deal with them)

I lol'd

[Sheb]

(look how big these walls are.. you need onagers, spies or casualties to deal with them)

I lol'd

Me too. Really good update. And I love Slagathor.

[Stworca]

Something is telling me that the Romans are ready for us. Call it intuition.


A new poll has been added, just in case.
Despite adding pop to their cities, and allowing sick armies to be built, i don't think Rome can stop us now. 30 provinces, 5 armies, 40 000 gold income. I have a few fun things planned for Rome, but it won't be longer than 3 updates.. unless they REALLY push with their entire blobs of soldiers.

[JacenHanLovesLegos]

Gauls: Europe is saved!
Gaul 2: Why?
Gaul 3: Armenia got bored by Rome.

[Kicior]

Call it a LP

What is LP?

[EmperorNuthulu]

So you'd rename it The enemy general was a FOOL!: Let's play Rome Total Armenia . Anyways, after Rome is dealt with, I say start again as spain.

[Taricus]

Actually, it should be Armenia: Total War

[Dsarker]

Remember to enslave or exterminate Rome.