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[Kicior]

Make MOAR updates.

[Stworca]

I will not be able to make one today (a busy day, and much more still to do!)
But to raise your appetite somewhat...

Spoiler: (expletive deleted) (click to show/hide)

..And finally...

Shit hits the fan. Esp. the last one stabbed me in the nuts.
But then again.. This is TOTAL WAR

Someone sneaky can catch that while an Egypt stack attacks my army, ANOTHER one sieges Bostra.
..and They've allied..
And the battles that i've hinted, are only fifth part of their troops. Be it E, S or G

But i'm not going to let AI win.. The AI will not win. The AI will not win.. Repeat after me : The AI.Will.not.win.

Oi.

[Dsarker]

Stop being such a whiner  . Of course you'll win. The AI will start the battle, see your men eating their daily rocks, and rout.

[Stworca]

Stop being such a whiner  .

I'm trying to be dramatic here! 
I mean i did loose tons of troops in the autobattle

[Burnt Pies]

If there's one thing watching you play this game has taught me, it's that you habitually kick the shit out of the AI. I'd say you'll probably survive this.

[Dsarker]

Stop being such a whiner  .

I'm trying to be dramatic here! 
I mean i did loose tons of troops in the autobattle

Exactly. The autobattle.

[Stworca]

Exactly. The autobattle.

I ran a test afterwards (re-rolled a save just for that). Halicarnassus siege. Autobattle vs Manual.
Autobattle lost 917 units in the same fight, i'll lose.. Well, you'll have to see it yourself.

Sadly, i keep hitting F12 or Break instead of PrtScrn So a few images have been lost. If only i could add fraps SS command to middle mouse button instead.

Working on the update just now, but i'm not sure if i manage to do it. I only have a few hours and many things to do.

[Dsarker]

If you've got other high priority tasks, do them first.

[Stworca]

The weather is terrible, and i had trouble jacking o--- focusing on the humor in the LP, thus it is of lower quality (fairly warned be thee, sez i). Hopefully it will rain soon...

Spoiler: Rolling Stones (on the floor, laughing) (click to show/hide)

: Wait a minute.. add three stones.. divide by two.. plus five...
Times five.. Now read the number backwar... oh my! Profit! Stone-deprived Romans! They.. Accept it, Nuthulu!
..WE ACCEPT!


Rainbow, i want  you to siege Halicarnassus quickly, and then fight off the Greeks from there.
: Sir, i already sieged the city. Loses were small, mostly mercenary infantry.


: The Greeks started the siege. Unfortunately, i was gathering seashell, and got caught outside, unable to return.
No matter, our troops will handle it on their own, a fleet will awai-
Admiral Rockhard : Sir! Them foul mouthed Greeks be ferrying troops on the boats i see.. ARR!
What? Oh.. Two MORE armies?! (my balls shrank when i've seen this..)


Admiral Rockhard : ARR! SHIVER ME TIMBER!
(this victory meant two things.
Good : We delayed enemy invasion, and with reinforcements, will be able to perhaps SINK those fools!
Bad : There is ANOTHER stack in Rhodes)


Armenian might conquers the seas as well?
- It appears so, sir.
How is our secret invasion going on?
- Ezekiel is about to siege Chersonesos
Have the officers been instructed to hide all the women from him?
- Yes, mighty leader.
Good, i'd hate to see him get beaten up again. We need our generals!


: Yo, the Egyptians attack us at Bostra.
Attack them, and make sure to be the first one to charge, you half-br--
- Sir.. there is no need for insults. I am sure that this incompetent child will get stru- hmm.. let us watch it ourselves!
I'll degrade him to his old position, of manure hauler, should he lose too many troops!




- STONE DA-
He actually did pretty well, besides, a self-centered, lazy general is still top of our cadre. Right, Kaguro?
: Kaguro swallowed a fly.. again..
: Oi, there appears to be another army, closing in. Justin here suggests that we should strike them before they reach the city..
: Battle wounds make me forget about the pain inside.


By all means! Wipe them out, just like i wip-
: Yo, i'ma going to let you finish, but our victory was the best of all time! OF ALL TIME!


(Ezekiel the Weird) : Looking good, Supreme Leader!?
Stop winking at me! What did i tell you about Greek-relationships!? NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!
: Aww... Well.. We took the city.. Not even a harmless date...?
PROCEED WITH THE INVASION!



- Sir, can you please explain me once more wha-
Oh, it's quite simple. When papa masseur, and mama masseur fell in love, they..
- Sweet merciful stone! THEY actually did this?!
Disgusted? Guess i won't be showing you the pictures i've carved out in stone..
- ...I've meant Scythia, sir.
Ah yes. Ezekiels invasion aims at devastating Scythian cities, and looting them. Demolishing all possible buildings and rebelling the cities against the foolish naked barbarians from the frozen wastes. We will only keep Chersonesos, but even then, retreat should unwashed troggs advance... Are you sure you don't want to hear the rest of the story? View the stone tablets perhaps..?
Wait.. what is this.. a commander?
: Sir, it appears that the useless mercenaries charged on their own (autobattle) one of them wasn't as useless as the others..


Very well, we shall take him.. what about the results..?
- The Greeks have been nearly wiped out.


Splendid! What abou-- wha--... uh... i'm feeling dizzy.. their uselessness and stupidity has nearly incapacitated me..


..If i die.. my beloved ones.. the royal family..
- Sir! You will be fine! Don't even talk about dyin-
..i want them all exiled..
- ...
Hound is... advancing to Helicarnassus.. with some mercenaries of his own, is he not?
- Yes, sir. Kaguro is also heading there.
Proceed to...
- Valhalla?
*SMACK*
SARDIS!


I wonder how will the Seleucid respond to that! With the war against Egypt raging on, their troops..
- Sir?
..our mighty forces shall crush these fools, while their blades..
- Sir!
What is it?!
- Take a look at this..
...
- .."balls", Sir?
Yes.


I've had enough of this nonsense. We shall crush them, beneath our inquisitorial stones! Are our spies in place?
- Yes, supreme leader!
Good! Army group "Antioch", advance, while there is time.


- It appears that the Seleucid were waiting for our move..
No shit they were.. This war has become personal!

Spoiler: Stoner Empire (click to show/hide)

- Seleucid army weaknesses are.. uhh...
Sigh.. They're split into two forces, their ranks can not maneuver, and they are vulnerable.
- Our generals..
Tyler is a mute, and Dsarker speaks only lies. It's best we direct this one personally.
  (Tyler the Eater of Walls) : *silence*
(Dsarker the Liar) : That's an interesting point of view, i agree completely. Also : You look very nice today, cousin.
(Beorge X. Gush) : Don't forget to mention that he is in possession of a hidden, wooden weapon that threatens us all!
What is this..? YOU AGAIN!?
: Hisss.....!




: The battle is going poorly, enemy morale is high.. oh.. and some wooden weapons..
STONE DAMN YOU BORGE!



- Sir! Seleucid general is runn--
Ezio Auditore da Cavallo : I'm on him!
Seleucid General : Et tu, equum?


Seleucid Middle Phalanx : Hey, shouldn't we turn and face the enemies?
Seleucid Middle Phalanx 2 : Not until the general instructs us to do so.
Observant Seleucid : Isn't he dead?
Seleucid Army 1 : RUN!
What is this!? Parthans and Pontic soldiers at least had the stones to.. oh my..
- Sir!
I've just referred to balls.. "Stones".. BRILLIANT!
- This shall revolutionize the entire Armenian language!



Seleucid General #2 : Charge the retreating Cataphracts!
Seleucid Soldier that rolled a 6 in his intelligence test. : Sir, this will expose us to enemy archers.
Seleucid General #2 : No, it will not.. oh.. it totally exposed us to enemy archers




: Our loses were severe, there is no way for army group "Antioch" to advan--
Yes, yes, whatever.



Back at Sinope :
: Let's burn the city and sing songs!


Rainbow? Where is Kaguro?
: He's in the corner, high on sand.
WHAT!?
: Sand solves all Kaguro problems. When it does not, Kaguro uses more.


I guess you'll have to do it without him, Rainbow.
: Yay! Hey everyone! Let's make a carpet from their skins!
Is he a carpenter?
- Sir, carpenter deals with wood, not carpets.
What kind of retard thought this one out!?
- ..You, sir.
..Ah yes... now i see that this idea was brilliant after all! Don't you?!
- ...



- Ezekiel is being attacked by Scythians!
What?! How could they know of our advance!
One of palace guards : *smirk*
Did you notice something odd about this guard, masseur?
- Nothing. He only grew a foot, gained twenty stones, his eyes are blue instead of brown, hair changed color to red, and skin used to be brown. Also he used to be right handed.
Hmm.. i must be paranoid then. Carry on. WAIT A MINUTE!?!? Since when are we using stones to measure weight?
- Since yesterday, sir.
That does it.. i need to drink less.



: Yo! Egyptians siege Bostra!
Well.. go there and break the siege.
: Yo! Not possible, there is something that requires my immediate attention.
: Death will solve all my problems? CHARGE!
: He should try san.. oh.. Slagathor be his wife? Sand not strong enough.


What are we facing in this battle?
Egyptian Heavy Chariots : Hello!


..balls..

Spoiler: Stone Cold (click to show/hide)

: Yo, unwashed Egyptians! I bet you--
Hush! Stay on the defensive, they could easily penetrate us!
- That's what she s--
I'm about to exile you!



Egyptian General : One of our chariot groups got wiped out! Let us send in another one, and see what happens!
Thank the stone, for fools such as this one.


Mercenary Cavalry : Uhh.. Them Desert Axement have shinnies! CHARGE THEM INSTEAD!
FOOLS! Where have they been recruited!?
- Egypt, sir.
Figures.


How is the left flank doing?
: Life is pain.
Carry on then,.


Egyptian General : Our tactic isn't working.. Send TWO chariot groups this time!
Egyptian Suckup #184 : Great idea, my lord! Pharaoh be praised!




: Opening! Yo! We charge!



Enemy chariots behind you! Run away from them!
: But.. sweet release in afterlife..
Do you truly think Slagathor will be stopped by such weak barriers such as death!?
: She'll find ya!


Egyptian #116 : Hmm.. our chariots are broken, or away.. What should we do?
Egyptian #691 : What do you mean? I wasn't taught to think for myself.. Just stand there and look fancy.



Egyptian General : BY PHARAOH'S BALLS! RUN!




- Our casualties were small, but not insignificant.
I'm all out of rage, so.. Just massage my feet.

[inteuniso]

Man, you're smashing their forces. You should play Shogun 2: Total War (I have lost many a battle to the AI from INFERIOR forces)

[Dsarker]

Told you we'd lose.


I just got a stunning victory in m2tw. Attacking Caen as Scottish vs English.

They sally forth. Two generals, (last faction members), Three mailed knights, two hobilars. Four archers, rest infantry.

My force is made up of town militia.

I have one group of reinforcements, 5 cavalry and rest peasants.

Militia are surrounded and stabbed and shot and charged to death.

They rout as reinforcements arrive. They get beaten up too, but they split the enemy forces in two.

Heavy cavalry and most infantry AWAY from the castle, two groups of archers, faction heir, and a peasants IN the castle.

I charge in with my cavalry group. By this point i'm thinking i've lost, and I may as well try to bump off the faction heir.

They kill him, the archers, and the peasants. The peasants, helpfully enough, rout through the city and open the gates for my cavalry to capture. Bemused at this point, I send them to kill off the last survivors. They start to capture the city.


AI starts to realise mistake and charges back. I leave one cavalry group holding the city centre, send the rest off to hold the enemy at bay. Didn't think I was going to get it, but might as well try.

1 minute to go, my cavalry are holding up fine against general, mailed knights, spearmen.

Speed it up to max, cavalry survive and I get the battle win, continue/end option. Naturally, I end the battle, and come out with a great victory!

[Stworca]

Added 2 screenshots under "DAMN YOU BORGE" that i somehow forgot to add before.
Problem with Egypt and Seleu is that we'll have to crush them on a roundly basis for quite a while to win.

[JacenHanLovesLegos]

So? 99% of rocks are round, we will win!

[Kicior]

Who else has got cav archers? Scythia, Partha, Egypt?

[Stworca]

Who else has got cav archers? Scythia, Partha?

Yeah.
Also : Some nations have chariot archers
And then there are war elephants and armored elephants. (which we have no way of dealing with, other than using 102519169 arrows on each one)

A problem we'll face.. i hope AFTER we conquer the entire east.. is the fact that for the last X turns romans have gained at least one city per turn.
I believe this means a certain douchebag by the name of Gaius Marius did his reforms 150 years sooner than historically.
Although it's possible that they just brought a crushing number advantage, not reforms just yet.