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[EmperorNuthulu]

It's only because my main form of communication is mumbling.

[KaguroDraven]

It's ok, they might have Zabuza to translate from mumble into normal talk for them.

[Johnfalcon99977]

Who is "Voltron Army"?
I have heard about the LP group, but I have no heard a user called Voltron Army. Also, why do we have _Bay12 next to our names? Its this LP on more then one forum?

[Sheb]

I'll take that girl on the far right if you don't mind. Of course, she's the kind of bitchy princess that command her husband left and right.

[Stworca]

Its this LP on more then one forum?

Yes. VA is a very small community. I moved BG2 LP to Bay12, it's only fair to run this one there as well.
How come you ask unrelated questions all the time? 

I'll take that girl on the far right if you don't mind. Of course, she's the kind of bitchy princess that command her husband left and right.

Any idea for a name? If you give me free hand, she'll have a name similar to the one of our "First Lady".
Sheb.. Sheb.. If i may suggest something, go with a classic, like "Shed".
Also, Yay for someone at last taking a woman! WOO!

Also :

Stars help troops that are next to the general.
Influence increases the number of bodyguards. There are other effects, but we don;t care about them. Our generals FIGHT.
Management is meaningless. Our generals FIGHT.

Our only Spy has 5 spy levels.

[Sheb]

Na, no Shed. Invent some awesome name.

[Jacob/Lee]

I'll take the first male available after everyone before me gets their person, if you don't mind.

[Stworca]

I'll take the first male available after everyone before me gets their person, if you don't mind.

We have diplomats and spies aplenty (well, we will in a turn), all male. Or are you up for a general and nothing else?
Next update is being made as you read this.. Now if you excuse me, i have to whip my slave-comic-writers some more.

[JacenHanLovesLegos]

I'd like a male child or a general. Whichever comes first.

[Jacob/Lee]

I'll take the first male available after everyone before me gets their person, if you don't mind.

We have diplomats and spies aplenty (well, we will in a turn), all male. Or are you up for a general and nothing else?
Next update is being made as you read this.. Now if you excuse me, i have to whip my slave-comic-writers some more.

I don't care what I get, whatever you think is fine with me.

[Burnt Pies]

I'll take a tree, preferably one that's tempting one of the stalwart Armenian generals to convert to the glorious way of Lumber.

[Stworca]

Spoiler: But first...! (ha!) (click to show/hide)

Damn Parthan king escaped, like one of those cursed courtesans that demand payment up front!
- Sir..?
Yes- WAIT! Do you actually live here?!
- Why.. You have promised that a bright future awaits us and..
I was high on wood polish!
- Does this mean...?
..Advance the troops.


According to the Parthan maps, they have only one more city south. Susa.
- What should be done with the rest of the troops?
The people have spoken... Pontus. (CRUSHING 66.(6)% votes - 22 out of 33)


Oh, i see that our diplomat is selling even more treasure maps.. Glorious!


At any rate.. Hound will join up with Draven and Rainbow.. i swear to stone, some of these names should be punished by exile.. and march to Pontus! THEIR INSULTS HAVE DRAGGED ON FOR LONG ENOU- What the hell..


..sweet, dancing Teresa Ballsdeep...


.....Am i drunk again?
- Sir! The diplomat that we exiled north has found something!
WHAT?! Are you sure?! It took him.. AGES!


Hmm.. an interesting ripoff strategy.. I think we may have a professional exile in this.. "Scythia".. What was his name again?
- Nuthulu the Sterile
..Too much information..


I.. i can not stop wondering what are the Greeks trying to do.. Let's see how our cities are developing..



- The cities are thriving under your rule. The gold is invested wisely.
Really? Oh Yawn. I need INTERESTING news. I need entertainment! If i wanted to listen to boring, useless information, i would visit my family!
- We have news of another successful trade, this time with the southern barbarians.


Now we can see how the world looks like! TO THE MAP ROOM!
- I have it right here... sir..
Stone damn you! Wait.. why did you draw that far to the west? What is this.. a shoe...?
- That's Rome..
What..?


What about our southern armies?
- They're closing in to Susa.
Have the useless skirmishers lure out enemy army. Pointless battles will only slow us down.
- Brilliant plan, as always!
Yes.. I hope that these Parthan fools will leave Susa undefended.


PERFECT! Come here and take your shirt off.. sneaky plans always make me horny..
- What about your wife?
I know not what makes her horny... wait.. WHAT?!



STONE DAMN YOU, NUTHULU!

Spoiler: Bend over and i'll show you a siege (click to show/hide)

- Our spy reports, that Egyptians and Seleucid are at war as well.
Good. Any information about their armies?
- See for yourself.
Doesn't look like much..
- It's just... one of Egyptian cities.
...
- ...
..Let us focus on Susa, siege of Kotais and Pontus..


- The Scythian forces outnumber Kotais regiment greatly, and our walls are just a simple wooden palisade. If we had a stone wall, we could hold their entire pathetic army with just a handful of troops, but now..
Ah yes.. Stone walls... Egyptians use them all the time. I guess we could.. Try.. I'll mention the issue on the next council meeting.
- You're the only one on the council, couldn't you.. sir..?
In six weeks.
- ..The siege?
What siege?
- Kotais?
It's not a problem.
- But..
No, it will resolve itself.


Ha! Stupid Parthans have taken our bait! Haven't they learned anything?! Our skirmishers are always a bait!
- They couldn't learn anything from their defeat.
What?.. Why?
- They have all died.
Oh.. Right.


What worries me is Pontus. We need an enemy that is engaged in war and.. What? I MUST be drunk.. World is this beautiful only when i'm drunk..


Partha took the bait.. Take their city! It will be unde- what is this?!


PARTHANS! Surrender, and we shall allow you to join our infantry!
Parthans : Never!
Give us your horses!
Parthans : Come and get them!
Sparta : Not cool! This line is also protected by..
SILENCE! RAZE THE CITY TO THE GR- what..
Parthans : ..the..
Sparta : ..spartan logo is also protected by the copyright, using it allows us to... oh my..


Scythians : Can we fight already..?
Oh yes, Scythians.


Let's make this quick, i have to be home by midnight




(easiest battle yet, added only to show Parthans in the LP. They will always die like that)

Scythians : We'll be back!
My mother-in-law has said the same thing. Although i must admit, i had to cut off BOTH her-
- SIR!
Don't interrupt my evil speeches ever again!
- But.. Susa!
What now.. I... oh...


That does it.. PARTHANS! YOUR END IS NEAR!

Spoiler: Partha's last dance (click to show/hide)

- What is the plan, sir?
A two phase battle plan. The first one is very easy..
- How so?
Well.. Parthans are placing their slingers and missile cavalry closer to us. Their infantry and heavy cavalry will be arriving later.
- I wonder what hellish misunderstanding has caused this fatal mistake..

A month earlier at Parthan HQ
Parthan General : Our slingers and missile cavalry will scout the area for incoming Armenians, while our infantry and heavy cavalry will protect the city behind its walls.
Parthan General 2 : Yes, we definitely need to watch out for Armenians.
The last not-stupid Parthan : But shouldn't we leave ranged troops behind walls, and...
Parthan General : TAKE HIS HEAD OFF!

Back at the mountain of Gold and Virgins (Armenian HQ)
The trick is to wipe out as many of them as possible before their cavalry arrives, and then use our infantry as meat shields.


Random Parthan Cavalry Archer : It seems that enemy heavy cavalry is killing everyone on our flanks..
Other Parthan : We have more heavily-armored, impervious-to-arrows targets! Awesome! Let's stay here and shot at them!


Parthan : They appear to be charging our way, and everyone else is dead.. What are the orders captain..?
Parthan Captain : Let me think.. Can someone list all the pro's and con's of our current situation?
(i'm sorry.. they're just too stupid to make fun of)



Now we'll have to try and kill both of their generals. This way we can take Susa easily.
- What if we don't succeed?
We'll have to use a trick to open their gates.
- A Trojan Horse? (272BC so we can use it as a joke opening! Yay!)
Yes.. Susan (the) Horse. (nobody promised a GOOD joke!)


Their forces are concentrated, thus we'll have to break them.. open...
- Ha.. haha..
What is it?
- Concentrated Parthans..? What are they? Pooing?
...You would hear crickets chirping, but they were too uncomfortable at how unfunny this was.

Maneuvering is fun when our archers keep shooting at enemies..

Get their general...

Armenians : SURPRISE!
Parthans : ..what? We don't get it..

Damn it.. Their general survived our assault... Proceed with our plan..
A Parthan : Uhh.. i wonder what they meant with the whole surprise..

A Parthan : Oh.. now i see! Well.. fuck.

Parthan General : We need to save our troops! Armenians didn't expect that we, mighty Parthans could charge their flanks and...
Armenians : SURPRISE!

Parthan General : No! I never had a chance to visit a theatre!
He's better off dead..
- I agree, sir. What did they play at Armenian theatre yesterday?
Mildew and Sawdust. Romance.

Parthan General 2 (the one that got beaten, but survived) : Run! Quickly!
Damn you! You won't get away this time! NOT AGAIN! Cut it off-..
- That's what she-...
...


Damn it all..
- Look at the bright side, sir. We're sieging the city he fled into.
Yes, that is true.. But..
- And most of our loses were infantry.
All right, that IS good news indeed.

Spoiler: Susan the Horse (Yes i will repeat jokes! DEAL WITH IT!) (click to show/hide)

How goes the western advance?
- Great, sir. Our troops should be in Pontus in a matter of months. Perhaps a year.
Good! I have never expected that any army could travel so swiftly.


Reinforcements will be sent to them as soon as we improve the defenses of Kotais, and.. Well.. i want you to look at this.
- Si-.. It's a... It's..
Cataphract Archers.. Once this new training ground is complete, we will amass an elite army that shall conquer the entire world!
- Amazing!
Yes.. and the stables will have entertainment centers too! And a small sandbox for children. This reminds me of my own childhood..
- (shudders)


Hey! Masseur! Wake up! HOW DARE YOU SLEEP DURING MY-
- Forgive me, mighty leader, but it was so overwhelming.. Each hour it was harder and harder to stay awake and..
... I was talking for three minutes..
- ..oh.. How.. how is  the siege going?
Ah! The glorious siege! Let us see what's going on, shall we? It's about to begin!


What is this...
- What, sir?
The palace, next to the center of town.. Don't you see..!?
- Oh my...
HOW DARE THEY DEFILE SAND WITH GRASS!? THIS CITY SHALL BURN!


Have the useless infantry push the siege equipment forward, and force enemies to run out of arrows.
- They have no archers left
Yes, but the towers.. hmm..
- Sir?
I'm feeling generous. Have the infantry advance slightly to the north from the western gate. It's safe from enemy tower fire.


- What about cavalry?
Oh. Have them sit in giant circles and sing songs.
- Oh, how wonderful, they will be overjoy---
*SMACK*
Cavalry shall be placed on both flanks. Have the men encircle the entire city, stopping any reinforcements to the city.


Here they come!


- Praised be stone! The enemies are nearly wiped out!
Have a few survivors left alone. Charge the gates as soon as they pass through them!


In unrelated news our useless infantry has finally taken down their walls.


Parthan Gate Crewman 1 : Isn't it a bit suspicious that they're just letting our troops get inside?
Parthan Gate Crewman 2 : Nonsense. The sight of our mighty walls has scared them, that's all.
Parthan Gate Crewman 1 : But they're standing so close.. as if they were waiting..
Parthan Gate Crewman 2 : Just open it.


Parthan Gate Crewman 2 : Wow! What are they doing!
Parthan Gate Crewman 1 : Surprised?! YOU FOOL!
Armenian Captain : Remember to not kill this man.


We shall advance from three sides. Infantry!
Infantry : Yes? Sir.
You shall charge forward and attract enemy attention. Your loses will be heavy. You will have to endure till our cavalry arrives.
Infantry : Sir, yes, sir.
Discipline! I love that!



Sandwich them!


- What is a sandwich?
I have no idea, i just read the lines from the script.


Fool : No! Mom! I don't want to go to school! The other children will laughhhh--- NOOO!


So falls Susa, the last Parthan city that we care about...

Yeah!

[Jacob/Lee]

1337 gold profit.

[Stworca]

1337 gold profit.

Gotta love these hidden gems.

The update was somewhat longer than the previous ones so.. All feedback is welcome.

[KaguroDraven]

I propose we 'ally' these desturbed madmen known as the 'seculoids'. then turn on them when the time is ripe.