It's not so much that I want to switch between two sides as, that when things are balanced correctly, I don't feel like I'm on either side. I have to strive to keep a balanced mental gender so that I don't endure a number of negative effects. It's not that I
want to switch between the sides, it's that my mental perception of my gender, behavior, and body interact swings from one side to the other, and I'm working to stabilize at perfect center.
When I go too far on the "female" side, I feel weak, impure, lazy, and a whole string of other epithets that could really just be summed up as "fragile, depressed, and mentally unsound." Oh, and I end up flirting with dudes I'm actually not interested in. Being submissive and passive are also part of this. Er, submissive and passive by my standards. They might actually be "flamingly aggressive" by other people's standards. I get over-involved in things in the name of nurturing. I try too hard to make friends and get along.
When I go too far on the "male" side, I end up not only being revolted by my body, but also way too argumentative for most people to deal with, and I start getting urges to flirt with women (that I'm really not interested in), just sort of as a matter of course. I get aggressively over-involved in things in the name of competition. I shun friendships. I feel shocked when I see my face in the mirror and it's a girl-face. It's alien to me. Same thing with my hands... they just look
wrong, and the sort of thing where you'd say "bro, those aren't my hands! Shouldn't I be taller than this? Why do I look so mousy? This is so weird... I have to lose some weight because jegus, I look like some kind of chick or something. Thank god my brow line isn't smooth, at the very least. At least I can feel okay about that."
And, of course, when I end up on one side or another, I start yearning for the standards of the other side, and balance.
I prefer the middle, where I feel that I have a lot more control and flexibility. I can react to other people's personalities more easily, moving from side to side to counterbalance them and, between the two of us, create symmetry. I feel peaceful, as I very seldom do. Sure, my body still feels slightly off, but at least everything else works well.
I guess it's a sort of yin-yang thing, haha. Anyway, I'm slightly too far on the "female" side at the moment, but I'm working to get back where I should be.
I'd say that the main thing I miss about being a kid was my ability to remain centered at all times. I don't really know when I lost it--probably around when I learned that there was such a thing as "acting like a girl" or "acting like a boy." Still working on getting it back.
Anyway, acting particularly like either side is a ruse that occasionally feels like a good response to a situation, but what feels best is trying to find that central point, and standing on it.
Hey, cool, I got a veggie brother, too! Zombiedrugs yay. ((Is it okay to say "asparagus" if they drugged him into a vegetable? ))
I hate to say this, but I laughed.
Jury's out on this one, but I'll leave you with my laughter for now =)