I think the point is that one needs to understand that anger can be useful for people to continue living, and it's up to them when they're ready to let go of it--or not. It is not inherently useless. It is not necessary for change, but if it is part of us as we fight for change, that does not make us lesser in any sense of the word.
The most I have suffered in my life was when I was trying to let go and "control" my pain. I stopped trying and I was still sad, but I wasn't sad in the same, self-condemning way. I could feel sad without feeling guilty for feeling sad, because I no longer allow other people to audit my emotions and tell me when they are and aren't reasonable, are and aren't causing suffering, and so on, and so forth.
We walk out into the world and have so many people telling us what to do all the time that it becomes impossible to listen to ourselves at all, or know ourselves, or act in our own best interests--flooded by all the messages of society, including the messages that there is no reason or need to feel in some way. That any suffering we value as formative was, in fact, pointless.
My suffering made me who I am, and that is why I want to make this world better for other people, who are also suffering but are not being listened to, just as I wasn't so many times. It had value. It made me angry. It gave me insight. So long as any other person on earth is in pain, my pain is worthwhile.
I will continue to contend that this life is not any lesser, simply because it has fewer people in it and less connection. Our capacity for feeling is not "what makes us human" any more than is any other arbitrary designation. We simply are what we are, and I find peace in being as angry and depressed as I feel like being. Allowing myself to feel anger when I want to feel angry, rather than rationalizing away all responsibility for another party with "compassion" and denying myself any compassionate feeling, helps me stay balanced between extremes. Extremes of anger and submissive calm, that is.
EDIT: Kael, since when did anger imply a lack of control? There's a difference between speaking from a position of anger and speaking angrily.
One of the reasons why I am where I am now is because I spent my childhood, as people told me to, giving far, far more than I had to give (to no reward whatsoever, because everyone always wanted me to give more) and ignoring every slight people rained upon me.
Externally, anyway.
Very yes, my entire life is, rather unfortunately, one of sadness/anger. What else do you think makes me study and work up to 18 hours a day? Fluffy, happy, contented thoughts? Yes, I have a softer side, which unfortunately rarely if ever gets to come out (yet another reason I'm sad/angry), but I"m also a very well focused punk for hire....
Anger makes me a very effective legal researcher at work, which entirely goes against the idea of not being in control when angry. I'm reading cases, trying to find some way, any way to screw over the other side, for hours, because I'm getting paid to hate them. It's nearly a requisite of my job. At some point most people pack it in if they just kinda happily go... meh.... I don't care.... O "Everybody Loves Raymond" is on tonight at 6PM on TV. No, I'll stay later and work harder when it's
This is one of my favorite examples the thought process motivating me at I work:F*** you [homeowner's insurance company]! This old couple paid their premiums on time and in full for 42 years before their house burned down and you denied their claim without saying specifically WHY which is the very least of what you owe them. 'It's not covered by the policy,' screw you and the horse you rode in on you god forsaken puke. Either tell me WHICH PART OF THE POLICY AS APPLIED TO WHAT HAPPENED excludes them from getting paid for having their house burn down or pay. The fire marshal's report said the fire was an accidental electrical fire, which means they aren't at fault and your insurance company pays. Your employing a systematic series of delay tactics is immoral and exists solely for putting more money in your pocket in a way you have no legal right to do so and every legal responsibility under the insurance contract to avoid.... Simply, this is what they bought homeowner's insurance...for....
I swear I will become your new best friend, whether you want me or not, until and unless the firm I work for either sues or gets an answer that prevents suit. What's that you say Debbie? Mr. Jamison, your boss, the man I need to speak to but you've been stonewalling me against speaking to for 8 weeks is unavailable and you won't give me so much as a phone appointment at any time in the foreseeable future, weeks, months, years, leap years, or decades?
Nada huh?
The phone conversation when my patience finally wears out is just fantastic and I'm rather calm when I say it but pissed as hell after 2 months of stonewalling bullshit: "See Debbie, we've gotten to the point where I'm calling you Debbie over these past two months haven't we? Good. See, here's my problem, my firm's client can't find his way home, now it burned down but still, your insurance company is supposed to pay for it when/if/whatever that happens. It hasn't. That way home of his, he can't find it, it's through you and I know what we'll do just to get him back home. You don't.... Frankly my firm of attorneys knows how to paint this place several different shades of trouble, so ... what's your favorite color?"
Debbie, somewhat shocked: "I hardly think that's called for is it? I mean rea"
"O but it is called for, you see if you don't let my boss speak to Mr. Jamison sometime soon, then I'm just going to mail you a picture with a self addressed return stamped envelope and a pen to a request your autograph. Could you sign that photograph, because I'll be your biggest fan if you've got the spinal fortitude to do this? If you've got the guts to go in front of 12 jurors, most of whom own homes, or know someone who does, and some of whom are your customers, and ask them to screw over Ma and Pa Kettle over here, aka faithful premium payers for nearly half a century, then just wow. I mean and you don't even have a reason for denying their claim..... Just wow, I'm impressed.... Should I mark the envelope to your attention specifically or...?"
[Dead silence]
Debbie, "Mr. Jamison will see you now...."
"Thank you very much."
I handed the phone to my boss who was surprised Mr. Jamison answered the phone, because you see, he had specifically avoided doing so for months. I told my boss what I said verbatim and he thought it was funny as hell. His only caution, "just be careful who you pull that on."
We ended up suing them, winning, and most importantly collecting on the judgment, but not before a year of stonewalling and the old couple living with relatives because their house burned down and the insurance company was a cheap pack of bastards....
Anger is just a tool, we all have it; it just matters how you use and control it. If you don't control/use it well, then you're screwed. Nothing above has anything to do with me being happy. I grant you, I could be just as, if not more, effective if I were able to live the life I wanted to and be happy, but that sadly enough ain't gonna happen in the near future. So I do what I can with what I have where I am.
I am admittedly nearly obliged to have three caveats here:
1.) Don't do what I did unless you know exactly what you're doing and who you're doing it with most people can't pull that shit off, but I got paid for doing it.
2.) I would have to say I would unequivocally trade what I "am" to be truthful and happy and accepted. All three of these, with none missing. Simply, it isn't worth it.
3.) This is just an example of the great big lie I live and one of the reasons no one suspects I'm trans. I fake being confident rather well, but really I'm terrified that people won't accept me and toss me out of society.
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Note on Correspondences:Much to my surprise and shock, I haven't gotten any hate mail at all here. In fact, I've gotten an overwhelming outpouring of support, which shocked my cynical self to no end. If I haven't replied to your personal message or email, it is because there are simply dozens of messages and I just can't reply to them all individually. I consider this an unexpected and wonderful problem to have.... I hope you'll agree. This is the exact opposite of what happened in 2004 when I let it slip on another game message board.
I tried for a long time to think of some way to thank all of you and failed. I'm literally at a loss for words. The closest I've come is that my 1st and 2nd greatest fear (it counts twice) is being cast aside because of what I really am and your acceptance means more than I will ever fully tell you. Those few friends who know in real life kept reassuring me that there would be people out there who didn't mind and I typically just sort of politely smiled, thinking they were just trying to make me feel better by saying that.... Much like a nurse who lies when she smiles and says, "you won't feel a thing..." and then jams you with a needle.... I was especially moved that some of you said it wouldn't matter to you at all if someone you were hiring or working with was trans. I am ever so glad to have been mistaken and proven wrong. I am very much aware there will be people who won't accept me, but I will remember your kind words when they don't.
I am humbled and honored; you are better people than I imagined.
I can not thank you enough.
Yours,
Truean
Author
Topic: Chill and Relaxed Progressive Irritation and Annoyance Thread (Read 857372 times)