I worry vaguely that I'm going to get some flak for this, but there's something so awkward about couples, "families" (i.e. couples with children), and stuff like that. For a single person, I mean. I've found that my friends who end up pairing themselves off stop relating to me in a meaningful way.
Yeah, this is sad and it works both ways. After my wife and I had our first kid, we lost contact with most people. Most of the people we know just didn't like to be around a kid and didn't like how we couldn't pay exclusive attention to them when they were around. There were even a couple cases of dirty politics that got us removed from social groups we still tried very hard to cling to (main case being a role-playing group GM'd by one of our best friends). It really really sucked.
And many people will make flippant comments about babysitters, but they really don't realize how difficult that is. All of my relatives live 400+ miles away, so I only have my immediate family. My wife doesn't even have that. My family and the few friends we have who actually like children almost always have better/more important things to do and will usually only help out when necessary. Professional babysitters are ***
expensive*** and not even an option at all since our kid developed diabetes.
I don't like kids.
I really don't have a problem with people who don't like kids. I can't expect a person to like children anymore than I can be expected to like politicians.
What does bother me is openly expressed hatred and intolerance, and you would be surprised just how frequently this is encountered.
We do our best to keep our kids from bothering other people in public. It can be really really hard to do, though, since these days a parent's options for discipline in public spaces is really limited. The only thing I can do when a kid is acting up is take him to a secluded area for a time out, which is definitely not always an option. Sometimes such a space is not available. Sometimes that would involve unfairly punishing both children when only one deserves it (which causes an explosion of problems beyond just being unfair). Sometimes you're in the middle of something important and just can't.
Controlling kids in public really requires the ability to dish out quick and harsh consequences, but this can get your kids taken away from you these days. Kids are aware of this and take advantage of it. Now that my oldest is 6, I'm finding I can threaten later consequences with a good amount of effect. This did not work until recently, and still doesn't work on my two year old.
And for me, at least, quiet from certain kinds of noises is not a want, but a need. The noises kids tend to make often set off an unbearable sensory overload. It's not simple annoyance. If it were, I would just deal with it.
I sympathize with you here, but not with most people.
Most can just deal with it. I feel no sympathy for the guy standing in front of us in line who gets in my wife's face and barks "Shut your damn kid up!" when he giggles mildly after minutes of complete silence because he saw something he thought was funny. Or when I'm in the
children's section of a department store and my kid is throwing a fit because I won't buy him a toy he wants, and a guy comments loudly on his cell phone "
Sorry could you repeat that, someone here doesn't know how to discipline their child!" (Tip: Children don't usually throw temper tantrums because they're not being disciplined)
And, as far as the not receiving slack from modern society for being a parent:
I think you should receive slack from modern society for being a person, with a person's needs, not necessarily receiving perks based on parenting things. People should be considered as people. As a member of a family, you will have times when you have to take care of the family, but also many times at which the family will save you time. As a single person, there will be many events where I will be spending a hell of a lot more time taking care of things--or so I believe, though I may be wrong--and no slack will be accorded for the drain.
I agree that people should be allowed to attend to their needs, and this is a universal problem. Sick day policies, for example, are atrocious at most work places. It's very wrong for everyone.
I contend that it's quite different with kids, though. For example, I've had to argue with management at my office multiple times because my wife was sick. She wasn't sick enough that she required care, but she was sick enough that I didn't trust her to care for our diabetic child alone. It only takes
one mistake to lose him forever. It's a big deal. But it's not the kind of thing that you can really get a clear doctor's statement on, isn't covered by any law or workplace policy, and HR/Management absolutely do not want to concede on it. I've almost lost my job and a lot of pay over this. This doesn't punish me, it punishes the child who is completely helpless and unaware.
I could give at least a dozen examples of similar conflicts off the top of my head.
Plus, they are a huge drain on your time and energy.
I was a Media Arts/Sciences major in college with a focus on 3d art. There was another guy in my class doing exactly the same thing. He had absolutely no family or financial obligations. He locked himself away and did nothing but master his craft for three years. His capstone project was an animated short that looked like it was produced by a fully staffed professional studio. He got hired as a technical director at Pixar straight out of graduation.
I couldn't do this, and I KNOW I have just as much talent as him. I made 3d models that rivaled the work of our professors, and my capstone project was incredibly successful. But I didn't have the time/energy to develop a wide enough range of knowledge in the field (I can make fantastic 3d models but I don't have enough technical knowledge of rendering to show them off properly, for example) or a large enough portfolio. My capstone project was an interactive comic demonstrating the unexplored potentials of interactive comics. I spent the first half of the semester planning/preparing and produced the actual work in only a month. It was a bare bones project, but generated tons of interest and still looked better than most capstones shown that semester. My first kid was 4 years old, and my wife was also a full-time student who required tons of support because my second kid was born exactly 4 days after my final presentation. I honestly don't know how I accomplished as much as I did that semester. I'm incredibly proud of what I achieved. Two years later I still don't have a job in my field. Employers don't give a shit about your situation. They want to see something pretty. It pisses me off. Immensely.
I will probably spend a large portion of the rest of my life depressed, with the accompanying loss of productivity, because I just can't get people and often find myself without enough human contact, but no one is ever going to take that into account. Indeed, I will not be treated like a person. I will simply be told that my problem is that I lack a date.
I sympathize with you on this. I do acknowledge that the expectation to pair up and have kids is unfair. This aspect of the childfree movement I find quite legitimate. I just wish they would distance themselves from the other part.
Edit: And if I were around, I would definitely hang out with you and find ways to relate. I can get along with just about anybody, and know others who can as well. It sucks that you're isolated to the point of depression, and I honestly know what that's like, even if it's not for the same reasons. Just don't give in to the idea that it won't get better. It will. Just keep pushing your boundaries and it will.
I'm sorry for this rant. I hope it's comprehensible and inoffensive. I'm... really tired.
I also hope you don't mind that my above post was mostly venting
Edit Edit: Oh and as for the debate about procreation being the biological purpose of life... I really don't care and don't think this should matter at all. It may be a biological imperative, but it's not a necessity. It should be a personal decision and society should not punish a person in any way whatsoever for deciding either way.
I DO think that it can be selfish. I don't believe people should be encouraged to stop having kids altogether, but I do think that anyone who has kids is being selfish if they have any more or less than two. Only children are very difficult to raise to be emotionally and socially mature. Any more than two children is contributing to overpopulation. Two children breaks even and allows them the essential life experiences that can only come from having a sibling.
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Topic: Chill and Relaxed Progressive Irritation and Annoyance Thread (Read 872585 times)