Aaaahhhh my workgroup would have a damn 90 minute meeting just as people start discussing hints I have dropped at private details.
Here is what I can say about this (it's hard to present a clear picture without overstepping very sensitive points of confidentiality) that is relevant, and I think it needs to be said. A lot of my outlook on life (including feminist issues) has been formed by these experiences, and I hate how people try to simplify and judge other's circumstances.
She was the first real friend I ever made in my life. I met her online when I was 13, and was hitting the rock bottom of my loneliness. She was one of a few people who really started turning my life around.
Four years later she hit her own rock bottom. Everyone she knew had fucked her over in some way. All her friends and family. I'm sure she was responsible for some of that, but not to the extent that she suffered. She was raised in alternate periods by her mother who neglected her so badly, that she remembers stealing dog food from her neighbor to survive as a young child... and that's just the neglect... not the abuse... I've mentioned that I have only met one person in my entire life who I believe absolutely deserves to be locked up for the rest of her life without any access to her family, and she is that person. And then her grandparents, who took her away from that environment when the abuse got too extreme. They were materially supportive and honest, hard-working people, but also fox news chomping southern baptists from hell, who forced her to behave ultra-religiously with the threat that they would "beat the hell out of her" otherwise and would stab her in the hand with a fork for bad table manners.
She grew up with serious emotional instability and immense inner conflict over lifestyles and ideologies from going back and forth between those two environments. She made a lot of bad decisions and got involved with people who used her. After high school, her grandparents sent her to some higher education establishment that I don't know if it should be called a university or what... but it was partially closed-campus, enforced fundamentalist christian "values", used its students for free labor, and really might as well have been run by scientologists. It also had a huge brown recluse infestation, that they wouldn't admit to having or take proper steps to get rid of. She got bit and the bite was misdiagnosed by the school nurse until it got severe. She still has a scar. She was unable to do any work for weeks. Afterwards, the school wouldn't admit any fault, and started making insane demands of her for the missed time.
She said "fuck this" and moved to the Netherlands to be with a guy who she'd known online for a couple years. After a year over there, the guy sent her back to the states on short notice with nothing but her suitcase. When she got back, nobody would help her. None of her family would do anything for her. None of her friends would let her stay for more than a couple weeks. She eventually found herself staying with a couple guys she'd met at a party, who started demanding "favors" after a few days.
That's when I couldn't take it anymore. I convinced my family to send her a bus ticket. I didn't know at that point how bad her life story was. I knew she'd had it rough, but I wasn't expecting the massive emotional meltdown that was in store for me. I just knew she was in the gutter and it was my duty as a close friend to pull her out.
I had just recovered myself from a long and deep depression, and here unexpectedly at 17 I had to care for someone who was constantly alternating between rampage and suicide. I did a lot of things wrong. I should have sought professional help, but I didn't have much information about how to do that and misinformed/exaggerated misgivings about the type of help I would be able to get for her. I should have been more open with my parents about the extent of her problems, but I did crazy things to hide them because I thought if they knew how much trouble she was, they would kick her out. I saw her life as completely in my hands.
And somehow, I managed to nurture her to the point that she's an eccentric but fully functional adult who is back in school and doing well, and we've built a life together in the process. It's been a hell of a journey. I've learned a lot of things and toughened up in ways I never would have otherwise.
First and foremost, I've learned that possibly humanity's worst failing is in their inability or refusal to look past each other's problems, where there is usually a lot of good stuff to be found. Yeah, a lot of things my wife has done would count as abuse. If our genders were reversed, she'd have probably been arrested a loooong time ago. At the same time, she's incredibly caring so long as no one's pouring salt on her wounds. I've seen her do great things for people, and she's often the glue of every social group she participates in. This is a person who many people have told me to abandon, including most of the people who are now her closest friends and saw nothing at first but her damaged side.
Second, I've learned not to judge. Life's circumstances are impossibly complex, and being a good person often means sacrifices. Even sacrifices of ideology. (compromise?) Most of life is grey. Treating it as black & white means abandoning anyone whose circumstances can't be defined in two colors. In this case, I would have the preventable suicide of a valuable human being weighing on my conscious for the rest of my life, if I had listened to everyone's shallow black & white judgments.
Third, people change. My wife's personality (ESFJ) will never change, but she has abandoned the religion she was dogmatically brainwashed into. She has come a very, very long way in controlling her anger issues. She's learned to value herself above seeking the approval of people who only mistreat her (and on another order of complexity, this is a revelation that would have never occurred were I not willing to swallow my convictions and be civil, even trading hugs, for weeks with a person that I regard as a complete monster). Jealousy is one of her worst problems, but it's not nearly as bad as it used to be and after years of conflict and diplomacy and swallowed pride and long-term strategy, she has begun admitting over the last year or so that it is actually a problem with her that causes unfairness to others. She has come this far because I have worked with her instead of simply telling her she's wrong and horrible.
Janet, you of all people should understand this. Perhaps I'm confused. I've only seen fragmented bits of personal details from you, but I think you're a person who has suffered a lot of damage and hurt a lot of people in return... and have come a long way on the reaching out of people who saw you for more than your problems.
My plans for what will happen when my wife begins to show age? All I'll say is I think I can manage.
And no... I dont stay with her just because of the kids, but they have been a major motivator to be a better person and try my hardest to make harmony for everyone instead of seeking it only for myself.
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Topic: Chill and Relaxed Progressive Irritation and Annoyance Thread (Read 872507 times)