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[Darvi]

I seem to have forgotten how to count.

I SUUUUUCK

[elitetaco3519]

I wonder if Game Freak ever thinks of ways not to whip a dead horse.

[FuzzyZergling]

I wonder if Game Freak ever thinks of ways not to whip a dead horse.

This horse is the opposite of dead. It is kicking Death in the face, and Death is letting slip a single black tear of pain and sorrow at the loss of this great beast.

[monk12]

Our story begins with a neat little movie before the title screen. An angry looking bastard is being crowned PokeKing in a room full of people with poor fashion sense.

This guy

During his coronation he experiences a dramatic flashback (a frequent occurrence at coronations,) and sees an image of himself, surrounded by his loving companions when he began his world conquering spree at the tender age of 8.

Is that a Millennium puzzle? Did I pick up the wrong game?

After being instructed (not asked) to HOPE, DREAM, and DISCOVER! I am brought to the title screen. New game ahoy!

As is tradition, the game starts with a Pokemon Professor walking the player through character generation. This is a good opportunity to compare and contrast Generation I with Generation V.

Aaah, good old Professor Oak! THE Pokemon Professor, since despite the fact there were scientists all over the place, all they cared about was picking fights with 12 year olds- Oak was the goddam Gregor Mendel of Pokemon biology. Wears pants and a shirt like a normal person, sports his lab coat like a Marine sports his dress uniform, stern expression, and he's reading a BOOK. None of this high-falutin' Pokegear or Pokephone or whatever all crap everybody else uses. This guy is so old-school, whenever a Charmander sneezes he needs to pay royalties to Oak because Oak discovered FIRE.

Then we have Professor Juniper...

I'm not sure what she's doing with her hand there- maybe she thinks she's a shark? Still and all, as character art goes she is far from the silliest thing I'll be seeing. So what if her hair looks like chocolate ice cream? Or that her lab coat seems to have been designed for a stripper? She's clearly ready to head out and find all kinds of Pokemon in the field, instead of hanging around in a lab someplace. Surely she won't need my help!

We go through the usual rigmarole, gender confusion, what's your name, so on and so forth.
  "I'm going to introduce you to your two best friends!"
  "I have friends? Hooray!"
  "This is Cheren. He may be a little difficult, but he's an honest person."
                     As you may have noticed, he's also kinda... well, no point in beating around the bush. Dude's gay. But that's cool, I don't judge, we're bros. We're twelve, not like he's gonna hit on me or anything.
"This is Bianca. She's a little flighty, but she works hard."
                     Oh I see, they're doing a compare/contrast thing. See, 'cause Cheren is the Smart Guy, and Bianca is the Ditz. Alright, I get it. On a side note, I now know never to Google her name with safesearch off again. EVER.
  "During your travels you will meet many people with different personalities and points of view. I really hope you find what is important to you in all these travels."
  "Way ahead of ya- gonna be the best around, murder my way to the top and rule with an iron fist, just like the PokeKings of yore!"

With that introductory crap out of the way, I get my first glimpse of my hometown. It looks a LOT like Pallet town. Three houses, the world's foremost Pokemon Lab (why these things are always in the middle of nowhere is beyond me), sea to the south and adventure to the north. I can feel my childhood singing to me as Professor Juniper walks into a house, then walks right back out again.

Turns out, that house is my house. As is tradition, my room is the entire second floor of the house- apparently my parents sleep on the couch, or maybe a secret basement or something. And it is a NICE room- wide screen plasma TV, Wii, Laptop, queen sized bed... it is obvious that I have been born into the home of a minor nobleman. From our modest holdings in the hinterlands, I will fight my way past all the other noble Gym Leaders to establish my supremacy as Lord and Master of Unova, just like the great PokeKing of yore.

Cheren and I are chilling out, waiting for Bianca. See, when Professor Juniper came over, she dropped off our starter Pokemon. In a box. Not the Pokemon Storage system, mind you, but an actual gift wrapped parcel. I guess it makes sense considering they're already in Pokeballs, but still, seems like a rather abrupt way to introduce me to my platonic life partner. Oh well, I'm sure an important scientist like her is very busy making discoveries and shit. At least she left a note; "I've brought three Pokemon, one for you and one for each of your friends. Please settle your choices politely."

There's only one way to resolve this

Cheren is pissed Bianca isn't here yet, what with this being our special day and all. When she does make her entrance, we learn something important about her character. You know how everybody loves a good "That's what she said" joke?

  "Am I a little late again? Soooooory!" that's what she said
  "The Pokemon were delivered to Monk's house, so he gets first pick. They're waiting for us inside that gift box."
  "That's certainly generous of you... you're just doing this for the type advantage, aren't you?"
  "Ayup."

I take Oshawott, to great fanfare and celebration. Cheren takes Snivy the grass duck, and Bianca takes the derp pig.

It's like they were made for each other

I take the opportunity to get to know my depressed little otter. Says he's careful, whatever that means. Hates to lose- considering his lot in life, this isn't unexpected. Ability, Torrent- Powers up water type moves in a pinch. Sounds groovy.

[I'm a saaaaaaaaaaaad otter]

And this is when it dawns on me, as I look around for my rival battle. I have two rivals. Just waiting to jump out of the bushes around every corner and murder my loved ones. F**K

Bianca decides it would be a good idea to have a Pokemon fight in my bedroom, what with all the smashable objects within easy reach. After an intense tackle-spamming battle, Oshawott wins with 1hp left. Sure enough, my room is trashed- mud and dirt from nowhere, carpet torn up, all manner of devastation. At least the TV made it out unscathed. What I can't figure out is how the fire pig got tracks on the goddam walls.

It will forever be a mystery

  "Pokemon are amazing! So little, but so strong! I'm so glad I get to have a Pokemon!" that's what she said

Bianca forks over 500 Pokedollars, but I'm too busy being happy I'm not one of the poor peasants who can't afford a Pokemon license, restrictive though they've become. But that is their lot in life, and this is mine, as Mew intended. (Yes, I'm a Mewler, not one of those heretic Arceus worshipers. I've accepted the discrimination I receive for walking the path of the righteous.)

Cheren shows off his skills as a doctor, healing both Tepig and Oshawott without the use of any drugs, potions, or healing devices of any kind! Naturally, he only did this because he wanted to challenge me to another duel in the hopes he can smash my sweet TV and claim it was an accident. Jealous prick.

  "You'll be my opponent in our first Pokemon battle!"
  "Never done it before, eh? Don't worry, I'll be gentle."

[I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE!] *jumps*
*CRITICAL HIT*

Didn't take long for Oshawott to display his suicidal tendencies, but fortunately Cheren is a lot stupider than he looks, as he used leer twice in a row after being in position to deliver a killing blow.

  "So that's a Pokebattle! I made a strange blunder in my first battle, but this feeling I have... I'm finally a trainer" we're still talking about battling, right? "Let's go apologize to your mother for messing up this room."
  "I'd better come too!" that's what she said

After they both take off downstairs, I feel free to explore my room a little more thoroughly. Apparently my father bought me this sweet TV, which has survived Cheren's attempt at sabotage. My PC doesn't give me access to my item depository; instead it gives me the rather inane message "People live alongside Pokemon in this world. The people who battle with Pokemon are called Pokemon Trainers." Funny thing, I don't remember typing that.

Downstairs, Cheren and Bianca make hurried excuses to my mother and leave, although it is apparent she knew what was going on all along. My father is nowhere to be seen, but hey, its not like this is the most important day of my life or anything.

  "Pokemon battles sure are lively- I could hear their cries from down here!"
  "Yeah, my baby otter almost died twice, but he pulled through. And got lucky. Mostly lucky."

Before heading out on my own, I decide to explore my house a little. My house is full of Pokemon Goods, ANOTHER really nice TV, and a tiny little kitchen- apparently we don't eat as a family. Then again, my room is nicer than this room, so why would I ever leave it? Out of curiosity, I watch a little TV- it is ABUNDANTLY clear that A) Everybody in this world loves puns and B) Many mechanics have shown up since I first took Squirtle to Indigo Plateau. I decide to leave before I know exactly how screwed I really am.

NEXT TIME: Nuvema Town
Comments/criticism/suggestions welcome! Easier for me to change the format early on than later.

[FuzzyZergling]

Very nice, you have a fine wit to produce such humorous commentary.
I read with interest.

[IronyOwl]

Very nice indeed. You pull off complaining about everything under the sun very well. The pictures also work nicely; I'd have expected not having screenshots of the actual game to be a hindrance, but thus far it's turned out better than just a bunch of shots of your otter at low health or Bianca giving ditzy dialogue.

[ExKirby]

I lol'd at the Spider Pig picture. Who the heck picks up a pokemon mid-battle and runs it up the wall?

...Actually, don't answer that.

[Boksi]

This picture is surprisingly adorable in its retardedness. Retardation. Whatever.

[Bluerobin]

The pictures also work nicely; I'd have expected not having screenshots of the actual game to be a hindrance, but thus far it's turned out better than just a bunch of shots of your otter at low health or Bianca giving ditzy dialogue.

Agreed! Nicely done so far.

[warhammer651]

So we're the wealthy nobleman of the town?


Great job so far, though I dislike the otterly (sorry) bad water pokemon. Derp pig is a little derpy to begin with but its evolved forms look so much cooler than the rest imo.


Now go get medieval on their asses.

[breadbocks]

You should have gotten Smugleaf.

I mean Snivy. Stupid name, but the dude's a pimp.

[Zorgn]

On the bright side, he does look like a better foe than the suicidal otter and herpderpig. He's such a smug thing, you just can't feel bad about beating the snot out of him time and time again.

[monk12]

Thanks for the kind words!

I was going to post the next part tonight since it took me about three times as long to satirize the game as it did to play it (so far, anyway,) but in doing some related research I ended up taking an extended Wiki Walk.

For everyone who was saddened by my choice of starter, rest assured that I had some shtick prepared for each choice, and it rather looks like I'll get the opportunity to use it. I'm actually pretty happy with the way this fell out, as the Pokemon seem to match the personalities of each Rival.

Besides, Snivy is easily the most sinister of the group

I'd have expected not having screenshots of the actual game to be a hindrance, but thus far it's turned out better than just a bunch of shots of your otter at low health or Bianca giving ditzy dialogue.

I've actually found that many of my favorite LP's (narrative-wise, anyway) don't tie themselves too closely to the plot of their game. Often, they manage this by either using screenshots scarcely, or eschewing them entirely. I plan on taking some creative liberties with the plot, at the very least to justify the Nuzlocke premise. Since I don't actually KNOW where the plot is going, my liberties may get very creative indeed.

About the only thing I haven't quite solved is how to make a good, dramatic battle without screencaps or my own artwork to provide a succinct summary. Hasn't really come up yet, what with all the low-level tackle spam going on, but eventually I'll have to hurdle that problem one way or another.

[breadbocks]

You need to steal your rival's Snivy.

[FuzzyZergling]

One of my favorite LP's is a Princess Maker one where the girl's father is Gendo Ikari. It used screenshots, but also had a lot of flavor. Plus, Breast Expansion Pills.