Ahh, SS13... I remember a round ages ago on the lowpop TGstation server where I spawned in as a mid-round antagonist along with a couple other mooks. Specifically, space pirates.
I had spawned in as the head honcho, one Captain Laserfish, and set about trying to figure out what the heck this role actually entailed... And how our tiny little ship even worked.
My swabbies were a pair of scabrous curs, and while I was trying to work out the primitive combustion generator of our ship so we could have power, one of them simply yoinked one of the suits and fucked off into space while the other snuck up behind me and decided to try and murder me for literally no reason other than I said that we should wait before assaulting the station. He got the drop on me and wrapped his bony fingers around my neck, throttling the life out of me as I lay there helpless.
...
...however, I noticed that I didn't appear to be passing out as quickly as usual. I did a quick self-inspect, and noticed a minor detail we'd all managed to miss. Namely, we were both skeletons. We didn't breathe.
I realized this, but he apparently hadn't yet. I decided to play along and mimed gasping for air a couple times, waiting an appropriate amount of time before using the highly useful "feign death" emote, going limp and "lifeless" in his hands... He held on for a bit longer and then, finally satisfied with his traitorous handiwork, stood up and scoffed "Heh. Nerd." at my motionless body before turning around and starting to fiddle with some of the equipment.
Which I decided was the appropriate time to stand back up and bean him over the head with a toolbox. I got a couple lucky hits in thanks to his slow reactions, what with his shock at my lack of dead-ness, and he was soon flat on the floor trying to choke out things like "Wait", "Stop", and other such empty platitudes... Once I'd incapacitated him, I decided to make sure the deed was done (considering I'd just discovered my own resilience, I figured I shouldn't take any chances). Since I'd already managed to rework some of the piping so the engine could actually work by this point I shoved his body into the combustion chamber, closed the door, and flipped the ignition switch.
The chamber roared into life with swirling flames, charring his bones to blackened soot while I looked on through the door. "I don't be abidin' mutineers on my ship", I sneered.
With that problem out of the way, and with some actual power generation going, I decided it was time to start trying to be a pirate. I was now captain of a crew of one, so it was going to be tricky... I'd have to be sneaky about it.
Now, as a pirate, I was supposed to acquire booty... The most direct and straightforward way of doing so was the credit siphon that would automatically drain cash from the station's digital account. However, I knew that doing so would alert the entire crew to the fact that there were pirates about, and unless Cargo had decided to be industrious for some reason there probably wasn't much money to drain from there anyway.
So I did things the old-fashioned way. Parked my ship a reasonable distance outside the shuttle bay, flew over, bonked my way through one of the windows (that area regularly gets vented anyways, so not actually that suspicious), and simply walked halfway down the hallway to where the ORM was conveniently located, neatly dismantled it, and simply stuffed all the gold, diamonds, and other assorted goodies into a crate that I then flew back out into space with. With the chest safely back on board the ship, I'd already completed the value objective thanks to the generally massive amount of goodies the busy little miners had dropped off.
I could've just sat back and coated my ribcage with rum for the rest of the map and still been "successful". ...buuuuut where's the fun in that? It didn't look like the round was winding down any time soon, and I knew the mid-round antagonists had been spawned in thanks to the admin feeling a bit bored with how peaceful everything was going. So why not keep going?
So I went live. I tuned into the station's comm channels and started going full Arr Yaharr, threatening mayhem and bloodshed if they didn't surrender their valuables to the one, the only, Dread Pirate Captain Laserfish! As expected, most people were completely unenthused/unimpressed with my theatrics, except for the one validhunter who started openly salivating at the thought of free kills... But in his overexuberance, he managed to get himself dealt with before ever finding me, as Sec apparently wasn't too thrilled with him breaking into the armory so he could go pirate hunting.
With no booty payments forthcoming, I leveled a dire curse against those foolish stationlubbers... And set out for a raid.
Now, I'm not a particularly bloodthirsty player generally... Dying is generally pretty lame and boring, so I'd rather not inflict that on someone if I don't have to. But a bit of property damage, terror, and light maiming? That's just good fun! ...unfortunately, I'm actually terribly unrobust most of the time, and while I did manage to spook a couple people and get some good "Yarr!"s in, I promptly got myself captured by the detective and I think the HoP. Strangely, they decided to toss me into a cell to unlive out the rest of my days rather than just smushing me on the spot... Apparently they wanted to show how they were better than filthy, uncivilized pirates.
Alas, it seemed the saga of Laserfish had come to a rather abrupt and embarrassing end... I'm generally not in the brig that often, and as such am completely clueless in the arts of escaping. And with a lifetime (unlifetime?) sentence, they weren't exactly going to just let me out anytime soon. And I'd have to listen to the detective showing up every so often and telling me the poor choices I'd made in life, and how crime never pays.
...that is, of course, if I were a lesser man. A man who was not Dread Pirate Captain Laserfish.
I waited until the detective was out of sight, then slipped out of the handcuffs that'd been left on me. I hid them on my person so there wouldn't just be this huge conspicuous sprite lying around, and then went over to the thematic cot in the corner, and laid down.
This placed me under the bedsheet that'd been provided, neatly concealing the fact that I was no longer cuffed. Then I just lay there motionless, and waited for a chance. A hope.
...and, finally, it came. The detective, apparently wondering if I'd just gone AFK or fully logged out, tried talking to me through the cell door. When I didn't respond, he let himself in and came over to prod me a bit. At this, I leapt to my feet and pulled off the luckiest disarm attempts I've ever had, managing to knock him down just as he'd pulled his baton out. I snatched the baton, gave him a few solid cracks on the noggin, and yoinked his card and comms before leaving him (most likely to perish, sadly) in the cell. I also disguised myself in his coat and hat, and used the current state of chaos in the station as cover while I grabbed whatever loose loot I could find and skedaddled out of there back to my ship. The emergency shuttle had already been called at this point, so there was more than enough chaos to go around.
I sat back comfortably on my ship, splashing rum on my bones and puffing on a cigar... I still had all the booty, having accumulated far more wealth than my objective even called for, along with some of the "bonus treasures" such as the station's parrot. As the survivors shuffled onto the shuttle, I sent one last triumphant broadcast over the station comms:
"Ye shall always remember this day, as the day ye *almost* caught Captain Laserfish!"
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Topic: How did you last *own*? (Read 1353235 times)