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[Hanslanda]

Previously on Hans Prussian Murder Extravanganza:

I took a big bite out of Poland.

Recently on HPME:

I finished Poland off along with Saxony and Courland (FUCK Courland. Little fucking shithole full of jerks.) and what was left of the Austrian Rebels. It took awhile to consolidate my gains, moreso than I had expected, but I did it. I had to fend off countless raids from Courland and Polish remnants after I took Saxony, but I finally got enough money together to go marching in there and crush them. Now I have Sweden to my north, an ally. Russia to my east, a neutral-and-not-angry neighbor. Venice is at war with me to the southwest, but I have twenty little citystates I'm not at war with all along my western border, so I can probably just slink around them and wipe Venice out without much trouble. All in all, I have few enemies, a huge income rate, and massive, well-experienced armies sitting around waiting for commands.

The temptation to idiot ball myself and attack Russia in the winter is incredibly strong.

Empire Total War

[Akura]

Took out a flying alien war machine... thing. Not sure what it was and I've only ever encountered one before, an encounter that puts it in the "run the hell away right n- you're dead already" category. It looks like a spinning top, with the lower section opening up several leg-like things to reveal a drill-like piece below. It seems to have two attacks, when it opens up it shoots energy bolts everywhere, and when it closes and spins very fast it shoots a barrage of missiles into the air that drop down and hit you for over 300HP a piece(you have 500HP, though people say you can get more?).

Lured it over to a town where a couple of colonists started firing arrows at it... for about 4HP per hit. My rifle, a custom heavy-hitter was doing about a hundred per shot, and it was barely having an effect on its HP bar. I took shelter in the store(where I hastily traded for supplies), and put down a rocket turret and an artillery turret. These did some appreciable damage along with my rifle, and it seemed not to want use missiles on the turrets - just me when I ran out in the open. Luckily the store provided total cover from overhead missiles. After wasting hundreds of bullets(these two turrets seem to have infinite ammo), it went down, yielding about a hundred each of gold and iron, plus 32 diamond, 3 1GHz processors, and several 500MHz processors. Loot probably wasn't worth what I spent bringing it down. but it was a hell of a fight.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Planet Explorers

[TheBiggerFish]

I beat the game.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Risk of Rain.

[hector13]

Won a round (and inevitably a match) of Arsenal in Goldeneye Source 5.0

Basically you start off with a really good weapon (mostly a gold or silver PP7, but sometimes a Golden Gun) and you have to kill other folk with it. Once you kill two, you go up a level, and get a new, inferior weapon to kill two people with, and so on 'til you get the last weapon after 9 kills, the hunting knife.

I was quite lucky that the person I found first when I got the knife had a magnum, a weapon that does a lot of damage but takes ages to use because of the recoil between shots. I got a slash in while they got a shot in, and there was a second or so I thought I'd lost it as we were both moving in the same direction at the same speed at the same time... 'til they backed into a wall and I slashed 'em for the kill.

This game is awesome and is absolutely free!

[Wolock]

I arrived in the Carribean at Eleuthera. I started to work for the English. After sinking a Spaniard and a couple of pirates in the Bahamas I went back to port and upgraded my sails. I decided to sail to Florida and hit the evil Spaniard and slimy French shipping there. As I left port I accidentally hit the space bar which prompt my ship to fire on the town... Well no harm's done I suppose and I went on to the Floridian coast where a Spaniard and a surprising amount of French trade ship off the Florida Keys.

I decided to get back to the Bahamas after the port sent a bounty-hunting brig against me. I sailed to Nassau to get repairs and buy the upgraded cannons but once I approached the port the town start shooting at me. The backwater town of Nassau known for it's unruly nature decided to avenge poor old England for the single accidental shot I fired on Eleuthera a while ago...

Saying that I didn't took it well is an understatement. I decided to took the town and give it to the greedy Dutch. For the following months I've disrupted English shipping in the Bahamas, attacked a governor's ship, plundered not once but twice the port of Grand Bahamas and captured a brand new frigate. On the side I've also hunt down Jack Rackham and learned the location of Henry Morgan's treasure.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Sid Meier's Pirates!

[origamiscienceguy]

Was caught in open battle while outnumbered 4 to 1 and my enemy was had better quality troops as well. However, I used the terrain to hide my ranged units behind a ridge, and have my armored troops with their shields soak up projectiles from the enemy ranged units. Meanwhile, I rode out on a mount and charged right into enemy lines from behind, getting all their attention. They all started firing their projectiles at me instead. I rode around in circles until they all ran out of ammunition. I then told my ranged units and infantry to switch places, and my archers started picking off the enemy one by one while they were chasing me in circles. Once my men ran out of ammunition, I took over, twisting around in my saddle and headshotting any soldier without a shield to protect themselves. Once I ran out of ammunition, I ordered everybody to charge, with the enemy facing away from them and completely focused on me. The first moments of the engagement went well, with many kills and few losses, but as the enemy realized they were being slaughtered from behind, they turned around. I took this opportunity to use hit-and-run tacktics, riding in, killing a few, then leaving once they were focused on me. Eventually, the entire army was defeated, but at a great cost. Two thirds of my army died that battle.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

mount and blade warband.

[pikachu17]

They thought they could stop me, just by chopping my limbs off!
But I told them that "none shall pass", and I meant it!
I bit their limbs off!

Yes, I un-intentionally re-enacted the dark knight scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, but with him successfully biting their libs off.

Dwarf Fortress.

[KingofstarrySkies]

Carried my fireteam in the very first Strike. KOSS IS STRONGEST THERE IS!

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Destiny, as a Titan.

[TheBiggerFish]

@pikachu17 gib combat logs ploxx

[MaximumZero]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

I know, I know, the song is stupidly easy, but I sight-read the whole thing because I'd never even heard it before. Purple bars indicate mastery.

Rocksmith 2014

[TD1]

They thought they could stop me, just by chopping my limbs off!
Successfully biting their libs off.

That could either be construed as an attempt at writing "limbs" or "lips". The latter conjures horrible images.

[AzyWng]

Carried my fireteam in the very first Strike. KOSS IS STRONGEST THERE IS!

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Destiny, as a Titan.

That game's still active? I thought it was pretty much dead (at least, no-one was talking a whole lot about it recently)

[KingofstarrySkies]

There's still a decent pop. New expansion is coming out soon, too. Can't wait!

[MaximumZero]

There's still a decent pop. New expansion is coming out soon, too. Can't wait!

Preorder from me and get the Iron Gjallarhorn!

* MaximumZero ducks tomatoes for talking about preorders on the internet.

[BFEL]

So apparently young me was fucking retarded. Cuz I just discovered the most HILARIOUSLY overpowered thing in Fable: Anniversary that I pretty much never used when it was on Xbox: The Physical Shield spell.
It doesn't SOUND massively OP, but getting hit with it on doesn't count against the "Without a Scratch" boasts, nor against combat multiplier. So basically this new character is OVERWHELMINGLY rich and experienced all by the time I finished the Arena, with just one scar that I got before I could buy the spell and I can focus on style instead of damage reduction in my wardrobe. Which leaves lots of dosh for buying up the most ridiculously OP weapons. Also houses. And will potions, which are all you really need to win with this combat style.

Fable: Anniversary