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[Schilcote]

REST?
I AM A GOLEM. I DO NOT NEED TO REST.

ROCK THE FUCK OUT IN ORDER TO HEAL MY INJURIES. Or just planejump back to the Emet and fix meself up there. Even if I can't jump back here directly, I know where the portal is.

Umm, you do remember that only one person can go through it once every 200 years right?

Yeah. I'm one person.

[Riccto]

But what about going back in?

[Schilcote]

But what about going back in?

Even if the portal doesn't allow return trips, I can just planejump back.

Formerly known as Quendor, the Great Underground Empire reached its height under King Duncanthrax, began declining under the excessive rule of Dimwit Flathead, and finally fell in 883 GUE. The area is now called the Land of Frobozz, after its largest province.

Many centuries ago Entharion the Wise united the warring city-states of Galepath and Mareilon, forming the Kingdom of Quendor. As the first king of a long dynasty, Entharion ruled from Castle Largoneth over a kingdom which was little more than what is currently the province of Frobozz. Our current calendar dates from the first year of Entharion's reign.

Little is known about the early years of the kindgom, save that it was ruled by a string of obscure rulers who did little to merit history's recognition. Eventually the war-like nature of the early city-states was forgotten, and they all united for good under the brown and gold flag of Quendor.

Centuries later, in 659, the kingdom of Quendor was still relatively small, encompassing seven-and-a-half provinces on the western shore of the Great Sea, an agrarian land whose major products were rope and mosquito netting. It was the thirty-first year of the reign of Zilbo III, the last king of the Entharion Dynasty, which abruptly came to an end with the ascension of Duncathrax to the throne of Quendor on the final day of 659.

After removing Zilbo, Duncanthrax quickly developed a reputation for cruelty, bloodthirstiness and aggressiveness, thus earning himself the nickname "The Bellicose King." He raised a tremendous army and began a systematic conquest of the neighboring kingdoms. Within three years, Duncanthrax ruled an empire that controlled virtually all the land between the Great Sea and the Kovalli Desert. It was during this period that the new king moved the seat of power from Largoneth to Egreth.

In 665, the forces of Duncanthrax vanquished the Antharian Armada at the famous battle of Fort Griffspotter. The island-nation of Antharia was, at the time, the world's premier sea power, and this victory gave Duncanthrax undisputed control of the Great Sea and put the superb ship-building facilities of Antharia at his disposal. After this stunning victory, the Bellicose King turned his attention to the vast domain of the Eastlands. In 666 he swept across the territory with a large invading force, dealing the natives a key defeat with the Diablo Massacre at the Zorbel Pass.

As he absorbed the new territory into the kingdom, Duncanthrax made a startling discovery: huge caverns and tunnels existed in the Eastlands. These underground realms inspired Duncanthrax's imagination; he soon realized that by burrowing into the ground he could increase the size of his empire fivefold or even tenfold! He put this plan into motion in 668 with the creation of the Frobozz Magic Construction Company. The natural caverns in the eastern lands were expanded tremendously, and new caverns and passages were dug in the western lands, chiefly in the vicinity of Duncanthrax's castle, Egreth. By the time of his death in 688, Duncanthrax ruled virtually all territory in the known world, above and below ground.

After Duncanthrax, the throne was occupied by a long series of his descendants. These were unspectacular rulers, who took on the surname Flathead, for obscure reasons not necessarily related to the planar shape of their pates. During this period there was very little change in the Empire, as the conquered kingdoms were assimilated into Quendor and the frantic pace of tunneling gradually abated.

The beginning of the end for the immense kingdom came during the reign of Lord Dimwit Flathead during the eighth century. During his colorful reign, Dimwit became the first to call Quendor "The Great Underground Empire," a designation now popularly preferred to Quendor. He also renamed the Great Sea "the Flathead Ocean." Preferring the Eastlands, he moved the Empire's capital to Egreth (in the Westlands) to Flatheadia (in the Eastlands). In a raw act of excessiveness, Dimwit ordered the construction of a nine-bloit-high statue of himself, an act that angered the powerful mage Megaboz, and eventually led to the destruction of his empire. (Please see the entries on Lord Dimwit Flathead and Megaboz.)

The rulers following Dimwit did their best to uphold his tradition of excessiveness. The high level of taxation continued, although the money was increasingly spent not on massive construction projects but on extravagant parties and long vacation trips for members of the Royal Family.

During the feeble-minded reign of Wurb Flathead in 883, after countless years of decadence and overtaxation, the Great Underground Empire was destroyed by the great Curse of Megaboz. The underground caverns fell into disuse, coming under the power of the first Dungeon Master; the Royal Treasury was sacked, and everyone moved somewhere else.

[Press any key]

So I guess it's called Quendor again.

[choobakka]

It is FrobozzCo, it's just its Abyss branch. The one who has been closest to the main branch is Riccto, in his hallucination of Zork 1.

[Schilcote]

It is FrobozzCo, it's just its Abyss branch. The one who has been closest to the main branch is Riccto, in his hallucination of Zork 1.

Didn't FrobozzCo go down along with the rest of the GUE at the end of the Age of Magic?

It is interesting to note that the first Dungeon Master, who indirectly caused the destruction of the Flatheadia headquarters, was rewarded by Megaboz with a controlling share of FrobozzCo's stock. Despite this puzzling political situation FrobozzCo thrived right up through the end of the Age of Magic. In fact the company made a killing in the fall of 966 by issuing a Special Crisis Edition of their Magic Catalog to convince people that even at a time when magic was failing, FrobozzCo wouldn't fail them. In this catalog they proclaimed the official FrobozzCo business philosophy: "Sell good magical aids at a reasonable profit, treat your customers like super enchanters, and they'll always come back for more."

[choobakka]

It is FrobozzCo, it's just its Abyss branch. The one who has been closest to the main branch is Riccto, in his hallucination of Zork 1.

Didn't FrobozzCo go down along with the rest of the GUE at the end of the Age of Magic?

It is interesting to note that the first Dungeon Master, who indirectly caused the destruction of the Flatheadia headquarters, was rewarded by Megaboz with a controlling share of FrobozzCo's stock. Despite this puzzling political situation FrobozzCo thrived right up through the end of the Age of Magic. In fact the company made a killing in the fall of 966 by issuing a Special Crisis Edition of their Magic Catalog to convince people that even at a time when magic was failing, FrobozzCo wouldn't fail them. In this catalog they proclaimed the official FrobozzCo business philosophy: "Sell good magical aids at a reasonable profit, treat your customers like super enchanters, and they'll always come back for more."

If you will observe the new MMO, Legends of Zork, FrobozzCo is still alive and kicking. And if I say the game is set when FC is still around, then FC is still around. So quit whining.

[Schilcote]

It is FrobozzCo, it's just its Abyss branch. The one who has been closest to the main branch is Riccto, in his hallucination of Zork 1.

Didn't FrobozzCo go down along with the rest of the GUE at the end of the Age of Magic?

It is interesting to note that the first Dungeon Master, who indirectly caused the destruction of the Flatheadia headquarters, was rewarded by Megaboz with a controlling share of FrobozzCo's stock. Despite this puzzling political situation FrobozzCo thrived right up through the end of the Age of Magic. In fact the company made a killing in the fall of 966 by issuing a Special Crisis Edition of their Magic Catalog to convince people that even at a time when magic was failing, FrobozzCo wouldn't fail them. In this catalog they proclaimed the official FrobozzCo business philosophy: "Sell good magical aids at a reasonable profit, treat your customers like super enchanters, and they'll always come back for more."

If you will observe the new MMO, Legends of Zork, FrobozzCo is still alive and kicking. And if I say the game is set when FC is still around, then FC is still around. So quit whining.

I'm not whining. I'm correcting.

[choobakka]

OY! BDTHEMAG! Where are you?

And Nirur, I had an absolutely evil idea for an updated concept for the bard/lich...  You'll have fun!
"Nirocky Torirror Picture Show"...

[Zako]

I'm not talking one person through the portal at a time every 200 years, I mean one person can go through the portal ONCE every 200 years. As in, if you leave, you cannot come back that way.

[choobakka]

He's right. Sorry Schilcote.

[Schilcote]

He's right. Sorry Schilcote.

But I can still just planejump back now that I know where the portal leads.

[choobakka]

He's right. Sorry Schilcote.

But I can still just planejump back now that I know where the portal leads.

Yup.

[choobakka]

Sorry BD...

REST?
I AM A GOLEM. I DO NOT NEED TO REST.

ROCK THE FUCK OUT IN ORDER TO HEAL MY INJURIES. Or just planejump back to the Emet and fix meself up there. Even if I can't jump back here directly, I know where the portal is.

Damn monsters... Time to go back home. (1) Or not. (4) You're in the Academy of the vortices at least. Whatever. You find a lab and fix yourself up in there. (5+2) You fix yourself up really well. It feels like you made yourself tougher. (-1 to damage) You now have armor plating on most parts of your body, made from some scavenged iron. It gleams in the light. You look like some kind of badass knight dude. With your maul, and your armor and everything... Time to go kick some Slaadi ass!

Tell SAM I still love him/her/it despite having Sword, Shout something unintellable at FREDTACULAR for him to get his metal booty up here, Confront bugs.

Oh SAM... Oh sweet and lovely SAM... You serenade your weapon. It says, "What are you doing. Stop doing that." You shout to Fred to get up here, (6) and he comes crashing through the wall. OH, YEAH! You give Fred a pat on the back for his excellent Health-Potion Man impersonation, and charge up the stairs. This looks like a library of some kind. A much bigger library than would fit in the tower. Weird. You hear a buzzing sound, and a thing comes from behind a bookshelf. It takes the shape of a humanoid, but is about fifteen feet tall. And, you know, it's made out of bugs. All sizes, from tiny gnats to huge buzzing beetles. It makes a face with bright red eyes and says, in a voice like a buzzing beehive, "Whyyy havvve youu commmmme to take whhhhat izzzzz righhhhtfullly the propertyyy ovvv theee zzzizzzterzzzz? Geeet ouuut puuuunyyy moooortaaallll!" It grows claws of bees and prepares to throw down. MINIBOSS! (1) It swings at you and Fred, but fails completely. (5) You take the opportunity to hit it in the back with a firebolt! (dodge:1) It hits hard! Right in the (BP:1) Head! Or head-analogue! (No +1 damage since this thing is basically a swarm) (damage:6) You light its head-analogue on fire! The swarm is now ablaze! Damage dealt each turn. (1) The fire spreads down its body! The smell of burning chitin wafts through the library.

(I swear, if you end up controlling this thing...)

No point. A) I don't want the lich knowing I can Control Undead so it can devise a countermeasure, B) The lich would reaffirm control, either when Nirur takes over or when I get close to the lich, and C) I'd rather not push my luck with controlling both the miniboss and the boss.

What are you doing? I could destroy it in two, maybe three swings of Meddler Smiter ... Hmm, should really get around to renaming that sword at some point. Anyway, you don't stand a chance! Let me destroy it!

"You'd only get us hurt by directly engaging it."

Throw the dagger into the monster's left knee! If I render it immobile, I should be able to just run past.

You throw the creepy dagger at the monster's knee! (3) (dodge:2) It strikes the monster, in the (BP:4) right shin. (damage:5) It severs the leg, and (1) the monster collapses hard, (damage:5) losing three of its arms and the clown head! The throwing knives fly from its grasp and (2) go towards you! (dodge:4-1) You move out of the way. The monster is laying on the ground, but it's still moving. It aims its bubble gun at you and (6) (dodge:5-1) one of the bubbles grazes you! It's made of acid! Gaah! (damage:1-1) The acid all hits your armor and quickly pours off before doing any damage. The lich says through the speakers, "Now, why did you have to hurt my little boy for? What had he done to you? Besides trying to kill you, that is... Anyway, you shouldn't have done that. I'm very upset with you." (6 vs 1) Nirur easily takes the body from the distracted Torir.

Stop being a klutzy dumbass and be a fucking pirate for once.

You are so pissed at yourself. What business does an Orc have being captured like some... Some... Elf! Time to break out! WAAAAAGH! (3) Or not... You're still trapped in the shackles... You hear a voice from the next cell. "Hey, boy. Lean over to the wall. I've got somethin' ta' tell ya." You lean over and see an old Sea Elf. A SEA ELF! The sight of a sea elf desecrating a pirate vessel enrages you so much that you give one more WAAAAAAAGH! and (4+1) rip through the chains! The voice from the next cell changes. It seems a lot... Squeakier? "Hey. Thanks. I knew that would work." You look again and see a gnome in a diving suit. An illusionist? He says, "Let me out of here. He's going to feed me to his zombies!"

Great. Like that's not dangerous at all. Ax looked around to make sure there were no observers, then climbed on the fire escape anyway. If it's going to collapse, maybe I can jump through a window. And when all the guards come running back here to the alley I can carry on unhindered. Even if I get up three floors its better than trying to sneak past the guards at the front door anyway.

Of course the fire escape would be rusty. Dammit... Might as well make an effort anyway. (5) You quickly make it up to the highest point on the fire escape! Must have some sort of enchantment... You look through the nearest window and see rows of cubicles with all kinds of creatures. None of them look out of the windows, and then you see why. A huge demon wielding a whip. He lashes anyone who so much as stretches in their chair. Real nightmare boss... Gods, you're glad you aren't in there.

(AI:2) Fail to do anything.

Yay! Apathy!



Statuses:

Spoiler: Riccto, the Awesomely Alliterative Amoral Alchemist (click to show/hide)

Species: Mutant
Description: A "Being" That stands like a man, the size of a man, but covered with horrible burns and an alchemists robe
Profession: Alchemist/Mad Scientest
Background:  He once was a man. Atleast he thinks so. But what he does remember is his knack for mixing up chemicals and herbs, always trying to find that perfect mix. But he has suffered his fair share of accidents in the lab
Home Plane: Astral Plane
Abilities: Master Alchemist, Mad Alchemist, Astral Denizen, Well-Read
Mutations: Alchemical Immunities, Four Arms,
Inventory: Bottle Sling, Good Chemistry Set, Leather Robes, Phial of enchanted gas, Doctor's Bag, Plague Doctor Mask, Iron Dagger, 5 gp, SAM, Infinity doses of Wizard's Wallbanger, Mild Hallucinogen (10 doses), Sword
Spells: Spined Hands, Firebolt

Spoiler: SeriousConcentrate, the Emo Demon Wonderboy (click to show/hide)

Name: Axolisin Sathael. He prefers being called Ax or Sin since he thinks it's awesome.
Species: Tiefling
Description: Short, pale, and skinny. He stands about 5'5 and 120 pounds. His hair and eyes are pure black and his pure white skin has light gray spots across it. His horns are goat-like. He spends a lot of time moping and figures since he's just so mistreated he can do whatever he wants.
Profession: Thief
Background: He's been kicked around his entire life as you might expect and resorted to thievery since Tieflings are branded as thieves and untrustworthy anyway. He's very small time and hasn't progressed much beyond mugging, purse stealing, pickpocketing, and robbing the poor.
Home Plane: Plane of Shadow
Inventory: Steel Daggers, Throwing Daggers, Good Lockpicks, Black Leather Armor, Magic Ring, 75 gp
Abilities: Burglar, Good Eyes, Denizen of Shadow, Fancy Horns, Trap Master
Health: Fine

Spoiler: Schilcote, AKA Tony Stark (click to show/hide)

Species: Golem
Description: Created as a result of DRUNK THAUMATOLOGY!. Was intended to have humanlike personality and intellgence. Doesn't talk much, but isn't stupid. Has no goals of his own besides survival, goes around helping people with various things for lack of a better purpose. Will do anything asked of him unless he has a reason not to (if it conflicts with an existing goal or his basic morality). Lawful Good (as in lawful as the opposite of chaotic). Extremely logical and unemotional. Dislikes entropic behavior. Is good with machines (clockwork and a bit of early steam power, I guess).
When he does talk, it sounds something like the above paragraph.
Profession: None. See above. Requires no food and builds his own shelter, and has very little interest in material goods.
Background: See description.
Home Plane: Material Plane.
Inventory: Lifeban, Toolkit, 15 gp, Magitek Manuals, Foot Jets (5 continuous turns/20 hops)
Abilities: Pneumatic Joints, Simple Personality, Material Plane Denizen, Oh Captain My Captain, Armor Plating
Health: Fine

Spoiler: bdthemag, the Barefisted Brawling Bionic Boy/Bimbo (click to show/hide)

Species: Mutant
Description: An ugly looking mutant who hates most people. Permanantly disguised as a beautiful woman.
Profession: A guard to a local inn.
Background: Created in a magic experiment gone wrong, he escaped and decided to live his live in a nearby city.
Home Plane: Material Plane
Mutations: Rhinocerous Skin, Claw Hands
Abilities: Alcoholism, Brawler, Material Plane Denizen, Curse of Beauty
Inventory: Half-Brick in a Sock, 3 Empty Beer Bottles, Gloves, Dress Cursed Brass Knuckles, Bionic Arms

Spoiler: Nirur and Torir, the Split Personality (click to show/hide)

This character brought to you thanks to the wonderful racial descriptions.
Species: Aasimar
Description: Lawful Neutral, almost Lawful Stupid. He firmly believes in the tenets of his faith, and is willing to die to uphold them. Was split into Nirur and Torir, god and evil respectively. A god of good put them back together, and they now are essentially one person with two minds.
Profession: Paladin.
Background: His people believe themselves to be the only true guardians of the material plane; the best way to help the mortal inhabitants of said plane is by not touching anything. Obviously this is what The Creator had in mind, and any who meddle in the plane, and therefore blaspheme The Creator, are to be punished severely.
After three decades of military service (doing nothing), he has been sent out as a sort of test to determine the extent of the planer distortion, fix it if possible, find the perpetrators, deliver justice, then report back.
Home Plane: Ethereal Plane.
Abilities:
Nirur: Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking, Righteous Fury,
Torir: Puppy Kicker, Evil Bastard
Both: Ethereal Denizen, Split Personality
Inventory: Variably Holy Longsword, Variably Holy Symbol Full Plate Armor, Enchanted Ring, 50 gp Scary Dagger

Spoiler: ggamer, the Orc Pirate Extraordinaire (click to show/hide)

Name: Jo'Ldza (Big Jo)
Species: Orc
Description: We'sn orcs may be deesa jerks, but we's still hassda jobs. I'mn A big ork. Got'sa bald head, with red eyes and wella build a'ms. I'sa been a kaptain for more dan' twenn'y yea's. I 'elp keep the balance wit' mah krew.
Profession: Kaptain of an orc sailing ship
Background: Grew up on a sailing boat with his brother, who was also a kaptain. inherited kaptain'ism and crew from his brother when he died.
Home Plane: Water Plane
Abilities: Sailor, Swashbuckler Water Plane Denizen, Dinghy Pilot
Inventory (All in the pirate ship's hold except for the shirt and pants): Good Rapier, Grappling Hook, Pirate Outfit, Magic Coin Necklace, Paralyzing Poison (3 uses), Hand Cannon (no powder), 20 gp

Allies:

Spoiler: Iali Boltcut (click to show/hide)

You kind of made his house into your flying machine, so he decided to tag along. He is now going all fangirl over Schilcote, who he sees as almost a demigod of mechanics.
Abilities: Master Mechanic, Old Man
Inventory: The entire contents of his house, which you made into a flying machine.

Spoiler: Kafired and Akituhub Warpshot (click to show/hide)

You saved them from some pirates. Yay!
Abilities: Powder Monkeys, Kids, Air Plane Natives
Inventory:Clothes

Spoiler: Fred (click to show/hide)

A mindless cannon robot the size of a man. Has a shoulder-mounted badass cannon.
Abilities: Never runs out of gunpowder.
Inventory: 12 corrosive gas shells, 25 normal cannonballs

Vehicles:

Spoiler: Flying House "Emet" (click to show/hide)

The house part belongs to the gnome mechanic, the flying mechanism belongs to Schilcote, the fueling system was made by Riccto. It runs on air and can easily break the sound barrier. It will almost never break. Schilcote can planejump the ship, but will have -1 on all actions in the next turn.
First floor: Workshop, door outside, kitchen
Second Floor: Nirur's room (one cannon - left), Spare bedroom (one cannon - right), Engine room
Third floor: Spare bedroom, cockpit (two cannons - forward), Iali Boltcut's room, ladder to roof
Roof: Pouting TieflingAx's "room", Badass FlameTurret, Two swivelling cannons

Spoiler: Magic Dinghy, "Da Masta' Exploda" (click to show/hide)

Bought by Schilcote to keep Big Jo happy. Flies as fast as you can row it (with the orc alone? Pretty fast.), enchantment is permanent.

Vortices Found:             Stones Activated:
Plane of Death  √
Abyss √
Plane of Water √
Mechanus √
Celestia √                              √
Wizard's Tower √
Generic Asian Dojo √

[SeriousConcentrate]

Ax shook his head. Sad sacks. That's why I'm not doing any 'honest' work. Smash and grab, I always say. He looked up, trying to judge the distance to the top... it was too far still. No choice but to go in there. He crouched by the window and kept an eye on the inside. OK, so just wait until whip-happy dumbass goes to the other side of the room. Then I open the window, slide in, close it, duck behind the nearest cubicle, and make my way to the stairs while staying low and out of sight.

His body tensed, ready to start as soon as he saw the opportunity. And if he sees me, throw a dagger and run like hell.

[Nirur Torir]

My character missed! I don't know if that makes Torir bad at throwing knives, or really great at throwing them.

Nirur charges the monster and performs his specialty attack.

What are you doing? No, stop! Get away from it, now's our chance to retreat! And ... No! It's undead, powered by music, likely has multiple souls, and is a favorite creature of its master! If you cut the limbs off, they'll just start swarming! Are you even listening to me? RUN AWAY! Don't ignore me when I'm giving tactical advise!