Come to Indianapolis with me and tell all of my prospective employers that. I'm passionate about software development. I'm pretty good at it. I'm willing and eager to learn whatever technologies they may require but I don't have. I'm asking for significantly below the average salary as I'm a fresh college grad.
Being UK based that might be tricky
but you should keep looking you don't want to work where someone doesn't value you, and if your passionate enough try checking out some of the startups around there. The other option is conferences, I can't speak for every company but two of the last three I've worked for do a lot of recruiting at the various developer conferences.
are PHP and SQL really easy enough to learn in a week?
I've always had an idea for a good PHP/SQL/actionscript mega-project.
maybe after I finish up my current projects I can learn them
I'd have said both are easy to learn enough in a week to use, however don't expect to be very good at it until you get more familiar with it. Unless of course you already have half a dozen other languages under your belt,
of course there aren't many languages which you couldn't pick up enough to use in a week if you know a few already.
I'd recommend html5 and javascript over actionscript though, as actionscript is pretty dead ending now. (Although if you already know it then it would make sense)
I have heard that PHP is a nightmare of inconsistancies and exceptions...
A lot of the inconsistencies are because the initial command set matches the C (not ++) apis but the newer stuff is written directly for PHP itself. I wouldn't have said it's much worse that most languages, a little messy but certainly usable and very fast to use. Especially for any website style project because that is the main focus of most of the third party libraries.