Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[RedKing]

Ok...bit of backstory here, and I apologize in advance for burdening people with chunks of my life story. But I'm genuinely nonplussed here.


About 17 years ago, my father and I had a falling out which resulted in me severing all contact with him--for about 13 years. I also have a much younger half-sister (same father) who lived with him while I did not, nor did I grow up under my father's care and supervision (he was in the military, my parents divorced, my mom got me and for reasons I won't go into, I wound up being raised by her parents).

So when my wife finally forced the issue by tracking him down and contacting him about four or five years ago, my sister had gone from five to 18, and about to head off to college. She was...not thrilled to see me again. Which I understand. From her standpoint, her big brother who she sort of idolized vanished without a trace and she saw it gnaw at her dad for years and then I just sort of pop back into existence with a family in tow.

I've written her a couple of letters (emails and paper) where I briefly just said, "Look...you have every right to be angry. But just understand that the Dad that you grew up with, and the Dad that I basically didn't grow up with...are two different people." I feel like I've offered an olive branch repeatedly, but it's not being accepted. She's not uncivil or anything, but whenever we travel to visit my father it seems she always has a good excuse to make herself scarce as soon as possible after we arrive. And on the few occasions that my father has made it down here, she's never joined him (again, there are always convenient excuses as to why not). So, she's graduating from college this weekend, and I did receive an invitation to the graduation (I'm pretty sure that was at our father's insistence).

Problem is, the same day two of closest friends are celebrating their twins' 1st birthday, and I really wish I could go. They lost their first child two days shy of his first birthday to a genetic disorder, and the twins were micropreemies who almost didn't make it. We couldn't even visit them for the first nine months because their immune systems weren't developed enough. Their kids are only slightly younger than my own son, and I'm sure they'll all play together as they get older. Our kids haven't even seen them in real life until this birthday party.

This isn't the first time I've driven to some event to show my support and try to be the good brother making up for lost time. She's a semi-pro equestrian, and we drove one time to a riding event in the middle of nowhere in the rain. Stood around for an hour or so watching people make horses walk in circles. She saw us, but didn't wave or make any other kind of signal of recognition. When the event was over, she packed up her gear and got on the bus with the rest of her team. Didn't wander over (we were standing nearby) to say hi, or thanks for coming, or anything like that.

I've already decided that I'm going to the graduation, even though it's a 3-hour drive each way. She'll only earn her Bachelor's once. The twins will (gods willing) have more than one birthday and more than one chance to play with ours. What I'm stuck on is....what do I do if it's same old, same old? I'll be there with my father, so she can't exactly avoid me altogether. But if I get the cold shoulder treatment again, and wind up driving six hours roundtrip to spend a few minutes in awkward polite conversation just to please our father...then what? I can't tell if I need to force the issue more and just have it out with her, or just accept the fact that the bridge is burnt and that no matter how much my father might want it rebuilt, it just ain't happening? Compounding the problem is that all three of us--me, her, our dad--are non-confrontational introverts. This whole thing has been like a four-year exercise in uncomfortable avoidance of having to talk about this yawning gulf in our respective relationships.

Thoughts? Like I said, sorry for turning this into a therapist's couch but I'm honestly out of answers.

[MetalSlimeHunt]

It's very clear she holds a grudge, and isn't willing to let it go. You already tried to fix your relationship with her, and she quite clearly has refused your olive branch.

My advice is to go to your friend's children's birthday party. Your sister just doesn't want this to work, and if your hunch about your father being the one to ensure that you were invited is correct then she probably is hoping that you don't show up. It isn't pleasant to say, but it appears to me that she just doesn't want anything to do with you.

[Phmcw]

Maybe she still disagree with you on your father. Did you discuss it with said father? He may inform you on why your query didn't work.

[scriver]

Well, you can always celebrate even this birthday at a later date, and as they are your friends I'm sure they'll understand. You won't get a new chance to show up at your sister's graduation, and if she hopes you'll be there (even if she'll be to prous to show it, like I would be), she might not be as understanding. The way I think, rebuilding bridges is all about perseverance - to keep showing her that you are interested in knowing her again. While still respecting her anger, of course. It's a balancing act. The point is, if there is a chance of rebuilding your siblinghood, not showing up will let her down further. If there's no chance at all, well, at least you gave it a try. In the end, I guess it comes down to whether you are ready to give up on it or not. If you don't want to give up, then you should go to her graduation.

[Bouchart]

So what is the point in reaching out to family members you barely know after all these years have passed?  Move on with your life.

[scriver]

I reread your post, and it seems that I missed the part about you already having decided to go. Basically, my advice would be the same, though. Even if she gives you the cold shoulder now, at least you show her that you want to refriend her. I do believe you should try to talk to her about it, dancing around the issue won't solve anything. I also think it's important to not expect a complete turn-around or anything, rebuilding trust and links takes time. And it's a process that is going to happen at her convenience and speed. All you can do is let hee know that you want to be her brother again.

edit@

So what is the point in reaching out to family members you barely know after all these years have passed?  Move on with your life.

If there any reason he shouldn't do it, when it's obviously what he wants to do?

[Vector]

Bring flowers (ask your father what kind she likes), a big smile, familial pride, and a welcoming attitude.

If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work.  But often, you can perform an act whose effects are felt later.  You'll never get the good of those acts, but someone else will feel their goodwill, and they'll continue to reverberate long after you've forgotten about them.

So, is it better to look back on a brother who was not in her life and gave up almost immediately, or one who did some nice things for her after a long silence?

Just saying, I think you have an opportunity to give someone else a gift that they can treasure later, and might make her more prone to come back to you later, on her own terms.  I mean... you're thirty+, and she's only eighteen.  I'm sure you remember what being eighteen was like.

It seems clear that you want to get along with her.  Just do your best.  Apologize, if you haven't--don't rationalize, just apologize, because the rationalization makes it about you, rather than about your apology.  And do what you can, with as much good will as you can muster.

[RF]

She's an 18-year-old girl.

Seems normal to me.

Give her a few years to grow up.

[RedKing]

I should have made clearer...she was about 18 when we re-established contact. She's 21 going on 22 now.

@Vector: I think you're right about not trying to rationalize or explain things at this point. That can come later.

[Vector]

Twenty-one going on twenty-two is still in the "extremely young and ragey" stage.  Speaking as someone who is still in it, anyway >_>  So, yeah, all of it still applies as far as I'm concerned.

[RF]

Yeah.

I meant like 30.

[RedKing]

Thanks all, there was some genuinely useful perspectives offered. I'll let y'all know how it goes.

[Gorjo MacGrymm]

At first I agreed with most everyone here until I got to the part where you said you all were non-confrontational introverts.  Its quite possible she wants a relationship with you but cant broach the subject of the long seperation without fear, and therefore, choosing to avoid the pain.  I would suggest forcing a conversation with her, apologizing for leaving her (do not make any excuses, it will make you seem......less mature I guess are the best words....in her eyes), ask her if there is something you can do for her to make amends, tell her that hew wellbeing is what is most important and that you will respect her feelings and that you wont ever close the door on her again, even if she decides never to walk through it so-to-speak.  Then expect more of the same treatment you allready described.  Attempting to rebuild broken relationships is dificult and doesnt happen over night.  She is probably going to have to learn to trust you again.  But, it should be her decision.

Also, avoid words like Im sorry, and go for "It was wrong of me to leave you alone".  Speak directly to the heart of the matter, dont tapdance around it.

[RedKing]

Well, the big day was this past weekend, and it went well. Not stunningly well, but it was certainly less awkward than it could have been. Couldn't really sit down and have any kind of heart-to-heart talk, both because of the crowd of family on hand, and the fact that it was supposed to be HER big day. I'm not going to be the one to drag it down by bringing up unpleasantries.

It helps that I get along well with her boyfriend and with a lot of her relatives on her mom's side, who knew me when I was younger. Most of them hadn't seen me in 20 years, but we were instantly talking and catching up at the dinner afterwards.

From what my wife said, the party for the twins went well too, so it was a good weekend all around.

[scriver]

So it sounds like it went rather great, all things considered? That makes me happy.