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[Corai]

Some fool would come along, say that homosexuality is TEH EVULZ, then have her and her wife executed.

WWUD if somebody told her that the dwarves with gray beards are the source of all evil?

[IcyTea31]

Ignore them. Anything with a beard can't be evil.

WWUD if she realized that losing is fun?

[Mr Space Cat]

"Catten, fetch my suicide axe! I'm about to have buckets of fun!"

WWUD with a cage full of war dogs and wild cave crocodiles?

[Lagslayer]

Release them all into the caverns to keep the place free of vermin and eldritch abominations.

WWUD with thousands of magnets and rubber bands?

[Detahramet]

say "Fuckin rubber bands, how do they work?" whilst pounding back a barrel of Faygo



Fuckin Magnets, how do they work according to Urist?

[Eric Blank]

Magic. Magical secrets handed down by Dodok, dwarven god of mountains, metals, minerals, jewels, and pregnancy. His children alone have the power to convert ordinary magnetite into the legendary magnet, which can be used to collect scraps of certain metals, which are themselves considered holy.

WWUD if the god of magnets became angry with him and cursed him to become stuck to metal objects constantly?

[Lagslayer]

Curse? More like a blessing! What kind of dwarf does not love the embrace of wrought iron?

WWUD if he had a pet cat girl?

[Scruffy]

It is a female and a cat and thus would keep multiplying until every cat loving dorf in the fort has 20 of them. The cat tallow soap and cat bone craft business would become the fortress' main export.
(Or the catgirl would just follow it's owner into a dangerroom and lead to tragedy and a miserable dorf.
Edit: Or get eaten by a hydra. I know you have read that comic strip.

WWUD if the a mysterious disease wiped out every plumphelmet in the fortress?

[Mr Space Cat]

Conduct experiments to see if one could brew dimple dye and drink it. Paint based !!SCIENCE!! ensues.

How could Urist weaponise paint?

[Lagslayer]

Paint his captives red and drop them into a pit full of angry bulls Scyther and Electabuzz. Oh yeah, I went there.

WWUD if he was on "Pimp my Beard"?

[Mr Space Cat]

This is a finely crafted dwarf beard. It menaces with spikes of gel and rings of dwarf hair and braids of dwarf hair. It is encrusted with diamonds, gold nuggets, and cat leather. Engraved in the beard is an image of Urist and an elf in dwarf hair. Urist is striking a menacing pose. The elf is in the fetal position. The engraving relates to the facepunching of some elf last Tuesday by Urist.

How would Urist weaponise his new spiky beard?

[Scruffy]

Shear it and use it as a spike new flail.
Catten animal shearer cancels shear Urist McBeard. Handling dangerous animal

WWUD if he was being dragged to the farmer's workshop for beard shearing?
(I failed to mod in this feature by the way. They refused to use the sheared dwarf beards)

[IcyTea31]

Murder the shearer with his beard. Brutally.

WWUD if snow could be made into balls? (Both small, throwable ones and big, rolling ones.)

[Eric Blank]

Use them to pelt his opponents with deadly force.

WWUD if the planets aligned on the winter solstice and conjured forth unimaginable beasts from the furthest corners of reality?

[Scruffy]

Iä! Iä! Urist fhtagn!
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Urist !!DRUNKFORTRESS!! wgah'nagl fhtagn.
Oh, wait. Fhtagn not. It no longer sleeps.

WWUD if this eldritch abomination was the outpost liason from the Mountainhomes?