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Author Topic: Dwarf Fortress Commercials  (Read 21523 times)

Karnewarrior

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Re: Dwarf Fortress Commercials
« Reply #45 on: April 13, 2011, 07:40:24 pm »

no love for One Dwarf Against the World?
Only if we want to go for the kind of commercial that attracts angry teenagers hyped up on testosterone, like GTA.

"Dwarf Fortress: IT'LL MAKE YER MOM AFRAID OF YOU. BUY IT NOW OR WE'LL HURL LEGIONS OF FLESH EATING MONKEYS AND NANOBACTERIA AFTER YOU AND YOUR DOG."
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TolyK

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Re: Dwarf Fortress Commercials
« Reply #46 on: April 14, 2011, 01:26:37 am »

[camera, far far away, shows a fort suspended on a support.
[camera zooms to Urist]
[Urist pulls lever]
[camera zooms out]
[fortress falls, magma starts pouring out]
[sign says: "Dwarf fortress: Losing is fun!"]
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Gatleos

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Re: Dwarf Fortress Commercials
« Reply #47 on: April 14, 2011, 10:02:42 am »

Close-up of a Dwarf, staring forward intently. The shot then switches to a lever. A discordant choir slowly gets louder and more frantic as the camera switches to the Dwarf, to the lever, back to the Dwarf, to the lever, faster and faster...

As the choir reaches the boiling point, the Dwarf pulls the lever and everything goes quiet for a few seconds. Then the screen is loudly engulfed in magma. Cut to DF logo with elevator music in the background.
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Thief^

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Re: Dwarf Fortress Commercials
« Reply #48 on: April 14, 2011, 11:44:42 am »

Close-up of a dwarf, staring forward intently. The shot then switches to a lever. A discordant choir slowly gets louder and more frantic as the camera switches to the dwarf, to the lever, back to the dwarf, to the choir, to the dwarf, to the lever, to the choir, faster and faster...

As the choir reaches crescendo, the Dwarf pulls the lever. The camera cuts to the choir, still screaming loudly. Then the screen is engulfed in magma. Cut to DF logo with innocent whistling in the background.


Sorry.
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Gorjo MacGrymm

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Re: Dwarf Fortress Commercials
« Reply #49 on: April 14, 2011, 03:14:39 pm »

Let me tell you a story of a ragtag band of wanderers who find a new home to settle far from their old masters.  A story of life, love and family, of a community working together to strike the earth and create a future for themselves.
-cut to scene of a female dwarf holding her baby while she picks ripe pickle berries from a farm plot. 

A place of where danger lurks around every corner seeking to tear down this peaceful life.
-cut to scene of evil ugly goblin watching from the shadows as the mother puts her baby down while she returns to work in the fields.
-cut to scene of distraught mother crying and screaming reaching out into the darkness from her doorway, "Noooo, bring back my baby!"

A place where the machines of war are fueled by the burning rage and grudges against those who would upset this new land.
-cut to scene of many dwarven weapon and armor smiths working forges scattered around a pool of magma, the red/orange backglow painting the shining steel of new weapons and armor a dull blood red.

A place where ingenuity, invention and cunning are as deadly as any army.
-cut to scene of sweaty dwarf working with hand tools on some mechanical device.  camera pans back to show a control box with a lever sticking out of it.  he tightens the last screw and then pulls the lever.  Hundreds of giant steel serrated disks erupt from the hallway behind him in a dazzling display of deadly intent and engineering brilliance.  "Groovy", he says.

A place where the pain and terror of war are far too familair companions.
-cut to scene in hospital, beds and traction tables full of brave, wounded dwarven soldiers, beards matted with red blood.  A much over worked doctor storms into the shot, "More soap dammit, We need more Soap!" he bellows out in frustration.

A place where loss and suffering are felt deeper then the cut of any knife.
-cut to scene of drunken dwarf in mess hall yelling in hysterical frustration, "Dammit, there all dead. All of them.  Do you hear me, all of them!  My friends, my famliy!  All lost!"  he smashes his table in a sudden rage, grabbing his chair and throwing it across the room, hitting another dwarf.  Turning, he grabs the dwarf drinking behind him and begins to beat him mercilessly while in the background shouts can be heard from city guardsman.

A place where the past seems to always find you.
-cut scene to a noble arriving at the new town, sneering at the old expedition leader.

A place where the cruelty of government can be felt like a yoke about the neck of freedom.
-cut to a scene of same noble giving a speech, "I hearby declare that No silver blocks shall hencforth be sold until time as I see fit.  Also, I demand that my bedroom be furninshed in platinum only. bedecked with many gems!"  behind her can be scene dwarves carrying large hammers, an ugly, gleeful look in there eyes.

A place where justice can be as unforgiving as the foulest of demon gods.
-cut to scene of dwarven commoner lying on the ground amongst dark shadows, one hand raised over him in defense.  Scattered about him are silver blocks glinting from distant torchlight. "Look, you just dont understand, I have to sell them to feed my family.  Dont you get it?!  The economy is broken!"  The camera pans to show a wickedly armored dwarf lifting a giant hammer over his head with a snarl, before bringing it down with brutal efficiency, his eyes and smiling teeth gleaming in the dancing light.



----------thats all i got now.  this is a great thread.  Also,........sigg'd
"Oh my god guys, wood, is like, totally murder."
« Last Edit: April 14, 2011, 03:31:31 pm by Gorjo MacGrymm »
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"You should stop cutting down all these herr trees, or, MAN is my Queen going to be Aaaaa-aang-Re-ee with you guys!" flipping his hand and batting his eyelashes."
"Oh my god guys, wood, is like, totally murder."

Julien Brightside

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Re: Dwarf Fortress Commercials
« Reply #50 on: April 14, 2011, 03:59:41 pm »

I think I see a pattern in the posts here.

yarr

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Re: Dwarf Fortress Commercials
« Reply #51 on: April 15, 2011, 01:27:43 am »

[Camera shows a single sock lying on a field]

Marlboro commercial voice actor: "Greed is the strongest force in our universe..."

[Camera zooms out a bit, showing a severed foot lying next to the sock]

"it has not only started wars..."

[Camera zooms out even further, showing an elven ambush squad behind bushes, waiting...]

"Greed also"

[Camera now shows about 10 dwarves running towards the sock, the one up front being a legendary crutch-runner]

"ends wars!" The voice actor begins to cough and retch, for whatever reason...

[One dwarf after another gets shot and killed, trying to grab the sock]

[fade to black]

bay12games.com/dwarves
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Karnewarrior

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Re: Dwarf Fortress Commercials
« Reply #52 on: April 15, 2011, 06:30:57 am »

*Fade from black to stock footage of a fire*

[action movie announcer]: This January...

*Scatered clips of dwarves fighting goblins and elves*

Beards...

*scattered clips of forges making weapons*

Will...

*scene to a dwarf shotting a crossbow... straight up*

Fly.

*that same dwarf simply standing there, looking at the camera. The bolt comes back down and hits him in the head with a hollow thunk*

Dwarf Fortress.

*scene to a dwarf trying to drink magma*

URIST THE DUMB: Nope. Not booze!

*scene to a dwarf picking an axe*

URIST MCSOLDIER: Let's see... steel, no... iron, no... bronze, no... Ah. Wood axe! *picks up wooden axe*

Today, we facepalm.

*scene of god facepalming*
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The trust you have bestowed upon thy comrade is now reciprocated in turn.
Thou shall be blessed when calling upon personae of the Hangman Arcana.
May this tie bind thee to a brighter future!​
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Gatleos

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Re: Dwarf Fortress Commercials
« Reply #53 on: April 15, 2011, 02:08:32 pm »

The content of the commercial doesn't really matter all that much if you get a really good voice-over.

ResearchIndicates: Play Dwarf Fortress.

*Player-base Doubles*
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Urist is dead tome

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Re: Dwarf Fortress Commercials
« Reply #54 on: April 16, 2011, 02:23:31 pm »

Also, the dwarves should be voiced by Scots, the humans by Americans, the goblins by Germans, and the elves by valley girls.

I dunno, I think we should have a British accent for the goblins too. Just more sordid.
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Gatleos

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Re: Dwarf Fortress Commercials
« Reply #55 on: April 16, 2011, 02:58:46 pm »

Also, the dwarves should be voiced by Scots, the humans by Americans, the goblins by Germans, and the elves by valley girls.

I dunno, I think we should have a British accent for the goblins too. Just more sordid.
I'd go with a british accent for the Elves. Get someone pompous-sounding.
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Think of it like Sim City, except with rival mayors that seek to destroy your citizens by arming legions of homeless people and sending them to attack you.
Quote from: Moonshadow101
it would be funny to see babies spontaneously combust
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Jeoshua

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Re: Dwarf Fortress Commercials
« Reply #56 on: April 16, 2011, 03:07:25 pm »

I say, old chap, that the british fop would most certainly be of human or dwarven stock.  By George, elves are not even [BEAST_HUNTER]s, they've no initiative at all, no verve, I say.
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Gatleos

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Re: Dwarf Fortress Commercials
« Reply #57 on: April 16, 2011, 03:21:00 pm »

Ooh, I know! Give the Elves really obnoxious, exaggerated Canadian accents.
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Think of it like Sim City, except with rival mayors that seek to destroy your citizens by arming legions of homeless people and sending them to attack you.
Quote from: Moonshadow101
it would be funny to see babies spontaneously combust
Gat HQ (Sigtext)
++U+U++ // ,.,.@UUUUUUUU

UnrealJake

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Re: Dwarf Fortress Commercials
« Reply #58 on: April 16, 2011, 03:34:26 pm »

Also, the dwarves should be voiced by Scots, the humans by Americans, the goblins by Germans, and the elves by valley girls.

I dunno, I think we should have a British accent for the goblins too. Just more sordid.
I'd go with a british accent for the Elves. Get someone pompous-sounding.

God damn I'm going to reach my hand through the internet and RIP OUT YOUR THROAT.

Ooh, I know! Give the Elves really obnoxious, exaggerated Canadian accents.

Never mind, I'm happy now :)
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Oliolli

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Re: Dwarf Fortress Commercials
« Reply #59 on: April 16, 2011, 03:38:03 pm »

Also, the dwarves should be voiced by Scots, the humans by Americans, the goblins by Germans, and the elves by valley girls.

I dunno, I think we should have a British accent for the goblins too. Just more sordid.
I'd go with a british accent for the Elves. Get someone pompous-sounding.

God damn I'm going to reach my hand through the internet and RIP OUT YOUR THROAT.

"UnrealJake grabs Gatleos by the throat with his right hand.
 UnrealJake pinches Gatleos in the throat tearing apart the muscle.
 An artery has been opened by the attack!"
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