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[Heron TSG]

It was in tents.

Got any bad jokes to share, people of the internet?

[Simmura McCrea]

Hisenburg's driving down the road when he gets pulled over by the police. The officer asks him if he knows how fast he was going. He responds "No, officer, but I knew exactly where I was".

After a week of being simultaneously punished and not punished, Pavlov's dog learned not to chase Schrödinger's cat.

[Farseer]

After a week of being simultaneously punished and not punished, Pavlov's dog learned not to chase Schrödinger's cat.

Sounds like all relationships.

Bad dum dum TISH.

[RedKing]

Q: What's red and bad for your teeth?
A: A brick.

A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "Can I get a ...... Martini?"
The bartender replies: "Why the big paws?"

Q: What is the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
A: Christoper Walken

Q:What has five legs, three eyes and two tails?
A:A dog with spare parts.

Q:What is green and has wheels?
A:Grass. I lied about the wheels.

Q:What has four legs and one arm?
A:A happy pit bull.

 
I have a thing for anti-jokes (like the one about "lied about the wheels."). Another good one is, "A guy walks into a bar. He's an alcoholic and it's destroying his family."

[Urist is dead tome]

It was in tents.

Got any bad jokes to share, people of the internet?

Reminds me of that circus fire on that circus train. You know, the one Andy Serkis was in.

[Gorjo MacGrymm]

Q: What's red and bad for your teeth?
A: A brick.

A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "Can I get a ...... Martini?"
The bartender replies: "Why the big paws?"

Q: What is the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
A: Christoper Walken

Q:What has five legs, three eyes and two tails?
A:A dog with spare parts.

Q:What is green and has wheels?
A:Grass. I lied about the wheels.

Q:What has four legs and one arm?
A:A happy pit bull.

 
I have a thing for anti-jokes (like the one about "lied about the wheels."). Another good one is, "A guy walks into a bar. He's an alcoholic and it's destroying his family."

wow

I think I have to hunt you down now, with my pit bull......   

[Burnt Pies]

Did you hear about the Magic Tractor? It went down the lane and turned into a field.

[Bauglir]

-snip-

[MetalSlimeHunt]

MetalSlimeHunt-"Knock, Knock."
Hopeless Classmate-"Who's there?"
MetalSlimeHunt-"Die in a fire."

Yes, I really told that one to a disliked classmate of mine. Followed seconds later by...

Hopeless Classmate-"Knock, Kno-"
MetalSlimeHunt-"Shut the fuck up."

Also one of my favorites that I had the chance to use.

Someone-(Anti-New Jersey Comment)
Someone Else-"Hey, I'm from New Jersey!"
MetalSlimeHunt-"My sympathies."

[Nikov]

I was going to write these out, but I think I'd rather refer you to The Gipper.

[Euld]

Four men were out golfing.  The hole they were on had a nasty water hazard in front of the green, and it was a three par hole.  First guy teed off, the ball went right to edge of the hazard, and the ball hitched a ride on a leaf.  It floated across the water hazard for an agonizing 40 minutes, reached the other side, and managed to roll onto the green.  Second guy teed off, the ball reached the edge of the hazard, the water parted in front of it, and the ball zipped neatly across the dry ground and onto the green, a bit farther from the first guy.  Third guy tees off, and the ball hydroplanes across the surface of the water, across the green, and almost, almost makes it in the hole.  Fourth guy tees off, and it goes *ker-plunk* in the middle of the water hazard.  A fish eats the ball, then floats to the surface because it can't handle the extra buoyancy.  An osprey swoops down, snatches the fish, and lands in a nearby tree to eat.  The ball falls out of the fish's dissected corpse and lands at the base of the tree.  A nearby squirrel snatches up the ball and climbs a different tree a good distance away from the osprey.  Lightning strikes the tree that the squirrel went up, and the tree falls across the green in flames.  Then the ball rolls out of the ashes and neatly lands in the hole.

The third man turns to the fourth man and says, "great shot Dad."

[Ricky]

^ liked that one


Okay, here's a bad one for you guys

What's Irish and stays out all night long?

Patty-O Furniture

[Heron TSG]

I have saved all of the terrible jokes people have told me throughout the years in a text document. Enjoy.

Spoiler: Oh sweet jeebus (click to show/hide)

What do you call a fish with no eye?
Fssshh

Who does a pharaoh talk to when he's sad?
His mummy.

Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin.

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the softball team?
Because she ran away from the ball!

What do you get when you cross a tyrannosaurus rex with fireworks?
DINO-MITE!

Why don't blind people go skydiving?
Because it scares the bejesus out of the dogs!

Why is there no gambling in Africa?
Too many Cheetahs!

What kind of guns do bees use?
BeeBee guns

How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue!

What kind of horses go out after dusk?
Nightmares!

A man didn't like his haircut, but it started to grow on him.

What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?
A SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE!

What did the grape say after the elephant sat on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little whine!

what did one hat say to another?
You stay here, I'll go on a head!

Why did the rapper carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.

A cannibal went for a walk and he passed his brother.
Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
BECAUSE IT'S POINTLESS!

What's it called when you lend money to a bison?
A BUFFA-LOAN!

What do you call a pig that does karate?
A PORK CHOP

What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?
BYE-SON!

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
IT WAS IN TENTS

What happens to Pastors who eat chili dogs?
They have to sit in their own pew.

What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?
HE GOT A LITTLE BEHIND IN HIS WORK

What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A PRIVATE TUTOR!

What did the Island Gobbling Sea Monster say?
These islands aren’t Philippine me up. I need Samoa Tahiti!

What do you call a pony's cough?
A LITTLE HOARSE!

What does a ghost wear when it's raining outside?
Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooots!

What do calendars eat?
DATES!

Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure?
Because he was a little shellfish.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?
Bob

What do clouds wear under their shorts?
THUNDERPANTS

What did the worker at the rubber band factory say when he lost his job?
OH SNAP

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
PUMPKIN PI

What is the definition of a good farmer?
A MAN OUTSTANDING IN HIS FIELD!

What did 0 say to 8?
Nice belt!

Why did the police officer smell?
Because he was on duty.

Why did the elephants get kicked out of the public pool?
THEY KEPT DROPPING THEIR TRUNKS!

What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
Wipes his butt.

What's the best way to carve wood?
Whittle by whittle.

A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way.

What did one shark say to the other while eating a clownfish?
This tastes funny.

What do you call a deer with no eye?
NO IDEAR!

What is invisible and smells like carrots?
Rabbit farts

There’s two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says
‘You man the guns, I’ll drive’

How does an octopus go to war?
WELL-ARMED

What did the elder chimney say to the younger chimney?
You're too young to smoke!

Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?
THE OUTSIDE!

What do you call it when you feed a stick of dynamite to a steer?
Abominable! (say it out loud, slowly)

What did the monkey say when he caught his tail in the revolving door?
It won't be long now
What washes up on tiny beaches?
MICROWAVES!

How does the man in the moon cut his hair?
ECLIPSE IT!

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because he felt crummy.

Why was the sand wet?
Because the sea weed!

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything!

What is a shark's favorite illegal substance?
Reefer!

What kind of music do chiropractors listen to?
HIP-POP!

What do sharks say when something radical happens?
JAWESOME

What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice Krispies!

Where does George Washington keep his armies?
In his sleevies

How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A buccaneer!

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids

What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink?
WATAAAAARR!

What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield?
Its butt

What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?
Dam.


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs playing in the leaves?
Russell.

Why did the cowboy adopt a weiner dog?
He wanted to get a long little doggy!

What do you do when you see a spaceman?
PARK YOUR CAR, MAN

Why did the pirate go to the Caribbean?
He wanted some arr and arr.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents!

Guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under arm. Says to the bartender: "I’ll take a beer, and one for the road."

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
Both crews were marooned.

what do you do with epileptic lettuce?
You make a seizure salad!

What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day?
A FRISBEE!

What did the cobbler say when a cat wandered into his shop?
Shoe!

Why did the man dump ground beef on his head?
He wanted to see a meatier shower!

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?
Roberto

What did the baby say to its mother after breastfeeding?
Thanks for the mammaries!

What do you call a nosy pepper?
JALAPENO BUSINESS!

Why did the skeleton go to the party alone?
He had no body to go with him!

What does a vegan zombie eat?
Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!


How does Hitler tie his shoes?
with little Nazis!

Why did the cookie cry?
Because his mother was a wafer so long!

What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked into his office?
I can clearly see you're nuts!

Why are all the frogs around here dead?
'Cause they keep croaking!

What type of music do mummies listen to?
WRAP MUSIC!

What do you get when you cross a sheep and a bee?
A bah-humbug.

What game would you play with a wombat?
Wom.

What do you call it when a dinosaur crashes his car?
Tyrannosaurus Wrecks

What did the big bucket say to the little bucket?
You look a little pail!

What did the policeman say to his tummy?
I've got you under a vest!

[Burnt Pies]

What do you call a Deer with no eyes? No Idea.

What do you call a Deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea.

[Gorjo MacGrymm]

What do you call a Deer with no eyes? No Idea.

What do you call a Deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea.  <--------- Holy cow thats bad!  lol

Did you know Helen Keller had a dog?
well, neither did she.


yeah, i went there.