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Author Topic: Blackmagechill's writing makes slashfic look like Shakespeare  (Read 627 times)

blackmagechill

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So, I decided to write a story about suicide and bullying, because I was recently involved in an incident thing of sorts. I am a horrible writer, bash my writings accordingly.
Spoiler: hopy shit lot of words (click to show/hide)
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Heron TSG

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Re: Blackmagechill's writing makes slashfic look like Shakespeare
« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2011, 10:59:41 pm »

Sounds like an introduction to something. I'll do some conventions editing. Take it or leave it, I'm just changing stuff to what sounds better in my mind.

I got off of the bus and went into my house like any other day. Mostly because it was a normal day: there were a few good jokes in class, some Algebra homework everyone cheated off of each other to finish, and a nice presentation in English class by yours truly.

   I go upstairs and drop my binder on the floor, kicking off my shoes next to the door. Both hit the carpet with the whumf sound stuff makes when it hits sort of  thick carpet. I grab my laptop and open up my web browser. I go to Facebook, and open up Photoshop while the page loads.
I think I’m was pretty good with Photoshop, and I exercise that talent by picking up a few good pictures and shifting around faces or adding stuff that shouldn’t be there. Sometimes it seems a little mean, but I don’t care.

    I see the page load, and I get a blurry view of a photo Mortimer posted. I clicked on it to enlarge the photo before reading the comments. It’s a picture of a piece of paper with a bunch of shaky writing on it. It was taken with a webcam, probably the only camera little Morty ever had his hands on, so it’s really grainy. I start to read it, and I realize it was a suicide note.

I start laughing, because it describes how bad his life was, although his parents were actually kind of rich. He also wrote about how mean people were. At this point I almost can’t stop laughing, thinking it’s a joke. Lyle the joker, (Is this the narrator? Maybe clarify.) always the first one to laugh. And then it gets even better, he starts talking about me in the note. I remember this because we wrote letters a few months ago about how mean and nasty and over all flawed the other person was for a joke, and I sent mine to him. He started tearing up at the time, but I guess he thought this was a way better prank. So, I get to the end, where he finally says he’s going to kill himself with a bunch of sleeping pills. I look at the comments, which are a bunch of different 'I’m sorry's and poems about suicide and death. A few people made fun of Mort habitually, and some were my friends. Wow, had he gotten them. I mean, there has never been a better joke about suicide ever. So, when I scrolled down to the bottom of the comments list, I posted “Damn Mort, you got everybody with this one. Good to see you grew a sense of humor.” . I closed out of my browser, clicked my laptop shut, content with all of my digital social interaction today (implied). I do some of my other homework, and started texting a few people, trying to work around my crappy touch screen.


That Evening
I go down stairs after dinner (the ribs were great, especially with that new barbecue sauce) and turn on the (TV or television is common, though t.v. is acceptable. It just doesn't look as good IMO. to watch the news. I watch the news because I like to know what’s going on outside of my small town hell, unlike most people who think the answer to everything outside of the United States is “Nuke it.” It’s some special interest story. I’m not really listening to while (implied) I get a bowl of chips from the kitchen.but It sounds like something about some kid doing something. I put the chips back in the cabinet next to the fridge, and then walk into the living room to sit on the couch, skipping back to see what I missed. There was a suicide in my town. When I hear the name, my jaw drops and I knock chips all over the floor. I run up to my room to get to my phone. The name was Mortimer Echeman. He WASN’T kidding. It was all serious. Someone - Mortimer - had actually committed suicide, blaming me for why they did it. People don’t do that. That’s not supposed to happen. More importantly, that's not supposed to happen to ME.

I noticed that you changed tense a lot, so that was what I focused on. It's possible to do it in some cases, such as talking about an earlier time, but generally you want one sentence to be in one tense.
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Est Sularus Oth Mithas
The Artist Formerly Known as Barbarossa TSG

blackmagechill

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Re: Blackmagechill's writing makes slashfic look like Shakespeare
« Reply #2 on: March 21, 2011, 08:50:48 am »

Yeah, and I went back and edited to first tense when I realized what was wrong, but I did it pretty quick, so  I'll try to fix more of it.
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