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Author Topic: Depressed Cousin Wants to Date Me  (Read 4782 times)

Mindmaker

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Re: Depressed Cousin Wants to Date Me
« Reply #30 on: March 20, 2011, 09:46:32 am »

Consulting you mother would be a good start.

Well, she seems to be similar to me in some regard. I too would get groundlessly infuated with any women I got to know, when I was depressed.
Somebody I got to know over the internet, a new friend I just made, it really didn't matter at those times. The person in question would get idealized by me and I'd grow dependant on her.
Waiting for hours in front of my computer, just to for her to come online, beeing deeply hurt for every unanswered messages, or her suddenly going offline without notice and similar stuff.
No need to go into further detail.

Just be clear about your relation to her and don't let her feel at any time that there could be more.
Be impolite, if you have to be. You're not helping her, if you keep her hopes up about this.
I've been kept on the hook for several times and it only extends your misery.

It's the sort of thing you have to get over yourself, supported by friends and family. You can't rely on another person to fix it for you.
« Last Edit: March 20, 2011, 09:48:39 am by Mindmaker »
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Eagleon

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Re: Depressed Cousin Wants to Date Me
« Reply #31 on: March 20, 2011, 01:24:04 pm »

Ask her, gently, if she's open to some counseling. Make it clear it's not because you think she's crazy, but for finding ways to deal with and understand her issues. Also make it clear you're not dumping her off on someone else. Being 18, she doesn't have to do anything a doctor tells her to, and she should be made to know that - it's empowering. There's this huge opposition towards it here for whatever reason (not even advocating medication, as some of that shit is honestly terrible), but it helped me tremendously when I found the right psychiatrist.

You don't know what she might be hiding from you, either. I say with some reluctance that unusual attraction to family members can be a symptom of sexual abuse - not saying that's the case here, but yeah.
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Gearskull1

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Re: Depressed Cousin Wants to Date Me
« Reply #32 on: March 21, 2011, 12:40:45 am »

Sometimes people are sad because they feel they don't have a place in this life. That's a vauge statement, but It's very true. depression can really only be stopped by the person who is depressed. She may need to find something to consume her, and lift her out of depression. A new group of freinds, Instruments, a change of place or situation can often help.

She may want to "Date" you because you are the only person she feels is close to her? with the sort of underlying motive that having you will make her problems dissapear. This is not true, but it can make sense to someone who is 18 and depressed very easily.

My advice is to try and have fun with her, put her in a good mood whenever you can. She will find her way.

Good Luck!  8)
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Patchouli

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Re: Depressed Cousin Wants to Date Me
« Reply #33 on: March 21, 2011, 05:26:41 am »

I can't talk with my mum until about 2 days from now, so I'm pretty much holding tight for now. To be frank, I'm worried that someone will introduce her to someone else, and will undo all this work.

As far as anime advice goes, I showed her K-ON. She really likes it. Yui and Ui's relationship seemed to help me convince her to get a bit closer with my sister as opposed to me. She wants to be more like Mio in the sense that Mio can lead despite being a wuss. She wants to learn an instrument. She likes how Mio seems to take things too seriously and is emotional, but doesn't let it overtake her and shows that she can still have fun. She likes Mio's hair. She took a listen to Jeff Beck. She seems more receptive to the advice of "cheer up" when I bring up Yui with it. Seeing Mugi work fast food despite being rich seems to be viewed as a "mature" action to her.

I also dropped hints that I liked girls like Ritsu as opposed to Mio, and it pleases me to see that she's adamant in her decision that Mio is better than Ritsu, so she's not blindly following and becoming things I just happen to like.

The lyrics to Fude Pen, Watashi no Koi wa Hocchikisu, and Fuwa Fuwa Time made her cry though, and dropped hints that she relates too heavily to the lyrics.

She eagerly awaits watching season 2.

I might show her Clannad or Grave of the Fireflies next. She apparently likes drama.

She says she was spoiled as a child and never worked. Was apparently hugged a lot by friends and her grandmother as a child. Had a dog she was very close to and often relayed her problems to in the worst of times. The family that moved in with us was actually not the family that she lived with for the majority of her life - she mostly lived with her grandmother and dog. She says that may be the reason why she's not close to her brothers or her parents.

Journey isn't done yet, but HUGE thanks to everyone that helped out so far.
« Last Edit: March 21, 2011, 05:29:00 am by Patchouli »
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Farseer

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Re: Depressed Cousin Wants to Date Me
« Reply #34 on: March 21, 2011, 05:31:32 am »

Feel free to introduce her to me. ;p

I'll barely hit on her. :3 I promise.

EDIT: Honestly, I think you're going about this all wrong. All you're doing is letting her get her claws more and more into you. You can say, "BUT SHE'S FAMILY I WANT TO HELP HER" all you like but ultimately it's going to be she drags herself up or she drags you down.

You've got two choices, and neither of them are nice:-
1) Just ignore her. Tell her you don't care about her, you never will and you wish she'd stop being a whiny bitch.
2) Destroy her. Completely. Make her into nothing and then remake her. I'm not sure how linguistically good you are, whether you can stretch the truth until someone believes utter bullshit etc etc, but if you can I suggest this option. Break her then give her books with the way you want her to be. Personally, I suggest the Satanic Bible. It's a load of bollocks, but it's great to make a person who has at least some degree of independence.

I'd happily do the second option for you. :3 It's a hobby of mine.
« Last Edit: March 21, 2011, 05:36:54 am by Farseer »
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Cheeetar

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Re: Depressed Cousin Wants to Date Me
« Reply #35 on: March 21, 2011, 06:14:04 am »

Feel free to introduce her to me. ;p

I'll barely hit on her. :3 I promise.

EDIT: Honestly, I think you're going about this all wrong. All you're doing is letting her get her claws more and more into you. You can say, "BUT SHE'S FAMILY I WANT TO HELP HER" all you like but ultimately it's going to be she drags herself up or she drags you down.

You've got two choices, and neither of them are nice:-
1) Just ignore her. Tell her you don't care about her, you never will and you wish she'd stop being a whiny bitch.
2) Destroy her. Completely. Make her into nothing and then remake her. I'm not sure how linguistically good you are, whether you can stretch the truth until someone believes utter bullshit etc etc, but if you can I suggest this option. Break her then give her books with the way you want her to be. Personally, I suggest the Satanic Bible. It's a load of bollocks, but it's great to make a person who has at least some degree of independence.

I'd happily do the second option for you. :3 It's a hobby of mine.

Holy hell. Please, don't do what Farseer is suggesting.
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Captain Mayday

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Re: Depressed Cousin Wants to Date Me
« Reply #36 on: March 21, 2011, 06:17:54 am »

Act like a complete sociopath. If you want, I'll help. :D

 ::)
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freeformschooler

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Re: Depressed Cousin Wants to Date Me
« Reply #37 on: March 21, 2011, 07:29:27 am »

Feel free to introduce her to me. ;p

I'll barely hit on her. :3 I promise.

EDIT: Honestly, I think you're going about this all wrong. All you're doing is letting her get her claws more and more into you. You can say, "BUT SHE'S FAMILY I WANT TO HELP HER" all you like but ultimately it's going to be she drags herself up or she drags you down.

You've got two choices, and neither of them are nice:-
1) Just ignore her. Tell her you don't care about her, you never will and you wish she'd stop being a whiny bitch.
2) Destroy her. Completely. Make her into nothing and then remake her. I'm not sure how linguistically good you are, whether you can stretch the truth until someone believes utter bullshit etc etc, but if you can I suggest this option. Break her then give her books with the way you want her to be. Personally, I suggest the Satanic Bible. It's a load of bollocks, but it's great to make a person who has at least some degree of independence.

I'd happily do the second option for you. :3 It's a hobby of mine.

I but what  :o
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scriver

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Re: Depressed Cousin Wants to Date Me
« Reply #38 on: March 21, 2011, 08:16:28 am »

Feel free to introduce her to me. ;p

I'll barely hit on her. :3 I promise.

EDIT: Honestly, I think you're going about this all wrong. All you're doing is letting her get her claws more and more into you. You can say, "BUT SHE'S FAMILY I WANT TO HELP HER" all you like but ultimately it's going to be she drags herself up or she drags you down.

You've got two choices, and neither of them are nice:-
1) Just ignore her. Tell her you don't care about her, you never will and you wish she'd stop being a whiny bitch.
2) Destroy her. Completely. Make her into nothing and then remake her. I'm not sure how linguistically good you are, whether you can stretch the truth until someone believes utter bullshit etc etc, but if you can I suggest this option. Break her then give her books with the way you want her to be. Personally, I suggest the Satanic Bible. It's a load of bollocks, but it's great to make a person who has at least some degree of independence.

I'd happily do the second option for you. :3 It's a hobby of mine.
All respect I might have had for you, lost. Just like that.
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Farseer

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Re: Depressed Cousin Wants to Date Me
« Reply #39 on: March 21, 2011, 08:32:59 am »

All respect I might have had for you, lost. Just like that.

Hey, if he wants to kill her with kindness, that's his choice. If you never cut the umbilical cord, how is the child meant to survive?

Retro

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Re: Depressed Cousin Wants to Date Me
« Reply #40 on: March 21, 2011, 08:48:55 am »

WARNING WARNING INTERNET TOUGH GUY ALERT BEEP BEEP

Farseer, this is a thread about the OP's problems, not a place for you to boast about how totally evil and masterfully manipulative you totally are omg like seriously I destroy and rebuild people three times a day just before every meal. All that wannabe-pretend-evil posturing is annoying, kind of sad, and rather blatantly not relevant to the OP's actual concerns, so I'd advise moving on.

Tellemurius

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Re: Depressed Cousin Wants to Date Me
« Reply #41 on: March 21, 2011, 09:57:22 am »

All respect I might have had for you, lost. Just like that.

Hey, if he wants to kill her with kindness, that's his choice. If you never cut the umbilical cord, how is the child meant to survive?
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Vector

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Re: Depressed Cousin Wants to Date Me
« Reply #42 on: March 21, 2011, 02:50:51 pm »

All respect I might have had for you, lost. Just like that.

Hey, if he wants to kill her with kindness, that's his choice. If you never cut the umbilical cord, how is the child meant to survive?

Having been through that myself, I'm going to say: no, because a year later I'm still not over it.  The guy in question wasn't even intentionally destroying me, and yet... no, Jesus Christ, don't do this stupid shit.

I hate having to wake up and realize that there are people who actually advocate this sort of thing, because it's anathema to me.
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Domus

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Re: Depressed Cousin Wants to Date Me
« Reply #43 on: March 21, 2011, 04:13:44 pm »

Before reading what I have written, I would like to say that I am a non-native English speaker. Typo's, sentences that don't read like a train or nuances that might be a bit of may be the result.

Anyways; The things you have written about your cousin sounds like she has been (and thus probably will be) in this state of mind for some time now. This is a bad sign, because normally people will pull themselves together and move on. Now that she is dwelling on this state is a sign that she needs help from others to get past this. I would suggest, since you are her only outlet for now, to let her keep open up to you. If you cut off contact now you might make her feel more isolated and she will close even more to people... As well, it will create a new pasture to grow negative feelings on. However, this does not mean that you should solve her problems for her or not encourage her to do so. Try to encourage her to do things that are active. Sporting is a great way, because it will create chemicals that make you feel good. As well, it is good for psychical health and will improve her looks. Although shallow, it is a way that people can build self-esteem off. Discipline, pulling though are other things that come into this as well.

I would suggest not to steer her to solo-activities. Although it will give her something to do, she keeps isolated by these activities. If she want to make new friends, or develop her social skills, she has to interact with people in some way. -Internet- although fun, is not a replacement for the real world.

Two questions I would like to ask you:
What is her daily schedule? Does she go to school? If there isn't a routine, this is probably the first step you should work for. Give her a reason to get out of bed on time. Fill the day for her (or better, let her do it herself is she is able to), so that she has less time to think about things. As well, a structure and be able to predict what happens the next day gives a safe feeling. There is a reason why mental health wards have strict day programs.

Does she sleep on time? Does she sleeps alot or little? As a social worker I have noticed that sleeping is one huge fucking factor of how someone experience the quality of their lives. Compare it yourself, if you have a day after a horrible night of sleep, or waking rejuvenated. It makes a huge difference. Now think what would happen if you had a month of those horrible nights of sleep after each other. It would make me depressed, no doubt about that. So, if she has a unhealthy sleeping habit, tackle that down as well.

I would involve family by the way. You said you will be moving out in a while. Make sure there is someone who can keep an eye on her and support her when needed. The suggestions of activities (sporting, soup kitchen, learning life skills) are good and hopefully she will pursue them. But the changes are that she will have a relapse when you are gone (negative habits and thoughts will poke up, they always do) and then she will need someone to pull her through.
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Zrk2

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Re: Depressed Cousin Wants to Date Me
« Reply #44 on: March 21, 2011, 05:15:14 pm »

Apparently Farseer was a pathos alt, so he should definitely be ignored.

Domus, your English is pretty good.
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