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[Fikes]

No one has made the spore joke yet? Huh....

Eve has some of the features you want, but no, the game you described, that everyone wants, is not exsists.

[jester]

Spore is not a joke.  It is a serious warning.

edit.  The wasteland settler mod for FalloutNV may one day get somewhere near (or closer) to what you (and yes, we all) want.  Mount and Blade warband and especially some of the mods have that starting off being a peasant belting looters with a stick for pennies on your lonesome and work your way up to King o'er all the lands with a great smacking army feel about them.

[Deon]

The wasteland settler mod for FalloutNV may one day get somewhere near (or closer) to what you (and yes, we all) want.

It won't. Arcoolka quit modding . Real life is a bitch.

[Trappin]

Wurm on an emulator server.
http://wurmemu.com/forum/index.php

[Sensei]

Dawntide?

Edit: Also, Shores of Hazeron. Not very survival-y but it covers the other elements.

[Viken]

I cannot get Dawntide or WurmEmu to work on my computer.  One to a 64-bit Java error, and the other to a launcher issue that hasn't been resolved yet.  Grrrrr. 

[raalph]

Unreal World?

[hemmingjay]

The wasteland settler mod for FalloutNV may one day get somewhere near (or closer) to what you (and yes, we all) want.

It won't. Arcoolka quit modding . Real life is a bitch.

yes this was one of the biggest blows to the Fallout Mod scene to date.

[Gabeux]

I've been looking for a game like that for YEARS, eventually gave up.
Shores of Hazeron kept me busy for quite a while, but college is making me get away from games almost completely.

I cannot get Dawntide or WurmEmu to work on my computer.  One to a 64-bit Java error, and the other to a launcher issue that hasn't been resolved yet.  Grrrrr. 

Dawntide sucked when I went on a beta, it's framerate and lag issues were really bad.
Someday when I'm bored I'll probably try the WurmEmu though... can you change stuff like skill decay/skill gain status?
This may be a real dumb question, but I never tried running any 'big game' servers on my computer.

[Darkren]

Wurm on an emulator server.
http://wurmemu.com/forum/index.php

I was disappointed to find this is nothing than a Wurm private server; I had my hopes up for finding an actual (downloadable) wurm emulator. Turns out the "Head GM" announced it will never be open source. Grand shame, since it would be perfect for offline play.

Wurm seems to remain the top choice, UnrealWorld looks like a close-second, and Xsyon looks like it's a distant third (same gameplay concept from what I can tell, but weird-looking different-looking style and setting). Going to be giving UrW a try.

[Aristharus]

hinterland was more of an rts, and it almost sucked.  There was an old game called afterburn or something where you controlled a post apocalyptic settlement

I think you mean Burntime, which was a pretty good game actually, but I don't think it fits the OPs description of what he's looking for very well.