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Sure. Why not?

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No, let sleeping threads lie.

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[USEC_OFFICER]

For Glory!

For too long the Romans have been attacking our cities! Why, what passes for their warriors swarm around Thessalonica like flies around spoiled meat. The brilliant general Pwnzerfaust had decided that it was time to take the fight into Italy!



While Pwnzerfaust was marching up the Italian peninsula, Bookie began his march east, to attack Pontus.

Spoiler: Battle of Labranda Creek (click to show/hide)

 The Battle of Labranda Creek deserves the name of Slaughter of Labranda Creek. Arranged against this incompetent army of Pontus was some of the finest Spartan warriors and Cretan archers.



The enemy were ill-trained and equipped levies, who barely deserve to be called soldiers. As soon as they marched within range, the Cretan archers opened fire.



Poorly disciplined and frightened, the enemy marched up to the creek. At the sight of our splendidly armed warriors, those in the front stopped, while their fellow peasants continued forward. In such a tightly packed mess, it was impossible for an arrow to miss.



The enemy finally surged forward, but only to escape the slaughter. With their bowels turned to water, they started to flee.



They were ran down by Boksi and Sheb.



The battle was a slaughter, with the enemy killing only a few peltasts.

Spoiler: Taking of Croton (click to show/hide)

The city of Croton was ill prepared for Pwnzerfaust's army. In the early rays of the rising sun, several hoplites pushed a siege tower to the city's walls, and opened the gates.



Pwnzerfaust's bodyguard charged into the city. They were joined by Johnfalcon99977, a relative of Pwnzerfaust who wanted to join in his conquests.

As the enemy garrison rose from their slumber to see what was occurring, the two general's bodyguards slammed into their ranks.



The enemy fled in disarray, and were swiftly killed.

Despite the fact that Pontus still had two large armies in the field, Boksi knew that they were conscripted levies, and would easily crumble under his experienced troops. He besieged the town of Ephesus, eager to take it.

Spoiler: Siege of Ephesus (click to show/hide)

In very little time a set of battering rams were assembled, and with great enthusiasm, they were dragged to the enemy's walls, and took them down.



The enemy's levies tried to stem the flow of valiant Greeks, but could not hope to stop KaguroDraven's Spartans.



Additionally, Sheb's Thracians had breached the wall nearby, and charged into the exposed backside of their cowardly bodies.



The two bodies of troops advanced forward, flanking the enemy and charging. Sometimes the Thracians would be the anvil, and the Spartans the hammer, and sometimes their roles would be reversed. But always their charge was deadly, and their fighting fierce.



But Sheb's lust for battle caused him to expose himself, and the enemy gleefully attacked his lone troops with all their number. Despite being dreadfully outnumbered, the Thracians fought bravely, slaughtering many of the enemy. Soon, only Sheb and 8 of his most powerful countrymen still stood.



KaguroDraven saw his friend's plight, and urged his Spartans to even more heroic deeds, if such a thing was possible. The host of Spartans descended on the men of Pontus, and set them to flight, scattering them to the four winds.



The beautiful temple of Artemis in Ephesus landed into our hands.

The front at Macedon had stagnated with the death of Kleomenes. His troops languished in Thessalonica, repulsing enemy armies who ventured into our territories. Such a mighty body of troops could not be wasted for long, and the general Farseer, a descendant of Kleomenes, was elected to lead them.

Spoiler: Skirmish in Thessalonica (click to show/hide)

Before the Macedonians could be wiped from this mortal sphere, the province of Thessalonica had to be secured. Several remains of Roman armies were hiding in its hills, and had to be dealt with. Farseer saw this as a test of his own abilities as a general, and spent his energies to protecting the province. After a series of strategic manoeuvres, he had finally engaged the dispirited Romans.



Farseer deftly manoeuvred his cavalry around the flanks of the enemy, while his phalanxes moved to engage the enemy.



As soon as the phalanxes engaged, the horseman charged down on the Romans.



The Romans were surprised at the Corinthian's presence, and quickly surrendered their arms.

Pwnzerfaust and Johnfalcon99977 had continued up Italy, and laid siege to the town of Capua. The resistance of the Romans had been slight, and the pair were assured that the conquest would proceed as smoothly as before.



They were sadly mistaken when an army of veteran Romans marched to Capua's aid.

Spoiler: Battle of Capua (click to show/hide)

As the Roman army marched into view, Pwnzerfaust ordered his men to assume a defensive formation.



Our soldiers were nervous. They had never faced such an experienced and well-equipped body of barbarians, and were worried about the enemy general, who was the best that the Romans had. But Pwnzerfaust and adwarf knew that even the most elite soldier were no match for a well-placed arrow.



While adwarf had encouraging his archers, the enemy cavalry tentatively scouted our phalanxes, looking for a weakness that was not there.



They were repulsed at the same time that the enemy host had reached our brave warriors.



The enemy had their heaviest cavalry in reserve, and threw them at a point between our phalanxes. Pwnzerfaust saw the enemy's aims, and lead his bodyguard into the fray, with Johnfalcon99977 on his tail.



The enemy fought fiercely, but could not hope to beat our warriors, and turned to run, with Pwnzerfaust and Johnfalcon99977 on their tail. A rearguard action was undertaken, but was soon smashed apart.



The carnage was unspeakable.



The Romans fled the field, leaving the victory to our troops.

[Zrk2]

What an utter steamroll. Bra-vo.

[USEC_OFFICER]

What an utter steamroll. Bra-vo.

The uber Senate army was a let down. I expected them to kill more than 99 people. Though I guess that their long march was just too tiring.

EDIT:

Spoiler: What could have been (click to show/hide)

[Sheb]

I guess nothing can stop you anymore. :p

[Tarran]

...Wow, that guy is utterly useless as a leader.

[KaguroDraven]

I just have to mention this here becouse due to pure luck I managed to win a battle where the enemy outnumbered me, via reinforcements, by an uttly rediculas amount as Greek Cities. I was makeing war on Macedon and decided to send a relitively small stack of Armored Hopilites and Archers to take Thessalonica since it wasn't well defended and no armies where near by. Now when I got there I was just a tiny bit short of the city so I couldn't take it. Next turn like 4 or 5 large Macedon stacks attacked me. I figured 'well I'm fucked' but fought it anyway just for fun. This is where I got lucky, part of my side of the map had one of Macedon's farm buildings, meaning I could put men there and not be flanked by one side. I immediately turtled, putting my archers in the middle and makeing thick lines of Armored Hopilites and waited. Somehow I won, the enemy just kept on comeing again and again and again, luckily most of the army was cavilry. Complete and utter luck, but it was awesome.

[USEC_OFFICER]

I guess nothing can stop you anymore. :p

Actually, Egypt could easily become a threat. They're just as advanced as I am, plus they have the valuable middle east area. Also they have the elite pharaoh's archers, which means that I can no longer turtle. And the pharaoh's spearmen are elite phalanxes. And I fully expect to be fighting another war or two at the same time.

This is going to be fun.

[Sheb]

Well, as long as the Seleucids hold, you're good. You just need to expand quickly until then, and maybe get a fleet or two. Cyprus make for a great target to improve your income.

[USEC_OFFICER]

Well, as long as the Seleucids hold, you're good. You just need to expand quickly until then, and maybe get a fleet or two. Cyprus make for a great target to improve your income.

This is the Seleucid Empire we're talking about. When the AI is in control, a couple of peasants with pointy sticks could conquer them. So Egypt is curb stomping them.

I am building up two fleets, mostly to stop Pontus and the Brutii from blockcading my ports, which cuts a couple thousand denarii from my income with every port.

[Zrk2]

Really? How did they end up sucking so bad? If they're hard to play as someone should play as them, because difficulties make an LP more fun.

[USEC_OFFICER]

Really? How did they end up sucking so bad? If they're hard to play as someone should play as them, because difficulties make an LP more fun.

The problem is not that they are so hard to play, but that everyone like to attack them at the same time (Like Greece). And like Greece, the AI can't handle that very well sometimes.

[KaguroDraven]

Really? How did they end up sucking so bad? If they're hard to play as someone should play as them, because difficulties make an LP more fun.

The problem is not that they are so hard to play, but that everyone like to attack them at the same time (Like Greece). And like Greece, the AI can't handle that very well sometimes.

The other problem is you sometimes see the AI do something far easier than the player usually would. Like in the JefMajor LP, Pontus is huge, for players being that large can make even nations on the other side of the map make war on you, not so with the AI apparently.

[Erkki]

Really? How did they end up sucking so bad? If they're hard to play as someone should play as them, because difficulties make an LP more fun.

The problem is not that they are so hard to play, but that everyone like to attack them at the same time (Like Greece). And like Greece, the AI can't handle that very well sometimes.

The other problem is you sometimes see the AI do something far easier than the player usually would. Like in the JefMajor LP, Pontus is huge, for players being that large can make even nations on the other side of the map make war on you, not so with the AI apparently.

Which difficulty settings is this on? The AI gets some denarii bonuses on hard and very hard (apparently more on hard). I've seen the diplomatics work pretty well between the AIs but above medium difficulty they pretty much declare war with the player the second they share any land border. keeping strong border garrisons helps and they might even help you, but if the AI has a navy to block a port with, not much you can do.

AFAIK total wars have 3 separate AIs for each faction, the diplomatic AI, the strategic AI that thinks its in war with everyone and the battle AI. If the strategic AI sees a good target it will go after it even if it was in peace, only difference is it just wont make a peace with the human player.

[USEC_OFFICER]

M/M, though with the way that the game is going, I could have done M/H or H/M. Perhaps even H/H.

[USEC_OFFICER]

Conquering Italy

With the Roman army repulsed, Pwnzerfaust was free to attack the city of Capua. Boksi was staying in Ephesus, until reinforcements could be brought through the ever tightening ring of Pontus levies. Farseer confidently marched into the remains of Macedonia, eager to wipe them off the face of the world, now that his attention is undivided.



Or, at least it was.



Needless to say, Farseer immediately marched to retake the city, and slaughter all of those who would accept such an offer.



This does not bode well.

Spoiler: Capture of Capua (click to show/hide)

The remains of the Roman army huddled in Capua, fearing the smashing blow that is Pwnzerfaust's wrath. The walls could barely be manned with all their troops, and exhaustion had taken its toll. The few decrepit soldiers who stood on the walls watched with sunken eyes at the Greek army.



Suddenly, the siege engines groaned, as they started to move. Surprised, the Roman soldiers sounded the alarm, and those with white hearts leapt off the walls to their death.



When the siege towers reached the walls, the gleaming hoplites jumped from them, upon the Roman soldiers. Great cries of anguish were heard at the sight of our warriors, and the Romans were soon slaughtered.



The gates secure, the rest of Pwnzerfaust's host moved inside the city, to give their spears a taste of the Romans who still cowered within. Inside the city square the Romans were arranged, their breastplates soiled and bloody from their previous tangle with Pwnzerfaust. With a cry they rushed forward, seeking to take as many Greeks as possible to the underworld.



Our brave hoplites, their arms gleaming in the early sun, repelled the Romans, and the stones of the square soon drank greedily of the Roman's blood.



A large family of Roman nobles took the trip to Hades that day, their deaths a blow to the Roman cause.

The Romans, grating at their loss of both Capua and Thessalonica, sent their armies to take what greed alone could not hold.

Spoiler: Fourth Battle of Thessalonica (click to show/hide)

Brave Farseer still stood in that city, and boldly led his worthiest troops out to give battle to the Romans, so that he could wash away their lust for battle with their blood.



The two armies rushed towards each other, their arms crying for blood.



With a loud crash, the two hosts collided in a flurry of metal and men. The sounds of their struggle reverberated throughout the valleys and the mountains, that all who were nearby stopped to listen.



The skill and courage of the Greeks overpowered the Romans, who turned and fled. They attempted to run from death, but death ran them down anyways, in the form of Farseer.



How soon will the cries of men turn into the wailing of women!

But Thessalonica was only part of one attack, with the other based on Thermon.

Spoiler: Third Siege of Thermon (click to show/hide)

The walls of Thermon had been expanded since the Romans last trod its ground. Mighty walls of stone protect the city, with many stout defenders within.



What army could hope to fight their way within? But the Romans, foolish as they are, attempted to smash down our gates, take our walls, and drive our menfolk back. They erected rams, and ladders, and siege towers, all in an attempt to complete their designs. It was not long before they rushed forward, ready to take the city. Our archers shot at them with every step, and our peltasts rained missiles upon their heads. But this attack was a mere diversion. But the men of Greece were vigilant, and spotted the true attack. Along Farseer rode, to run these men down.



They were lightly armoured and armed with bows, to shoot our hoplites down from behind them. But their bows could not protect them from Farseer's wrath.

The Romans climbed our walls, only to find themselves surrounded and outnumbered.



On every part of our walls our men were waiting, ready to shed the blood of any Roman who approached.



Their wails of anguish rose to the heavens in vain. The Roman general, with his bowels turned to water, tried to flee, only to encounter Farseer the bold, and his faithful troops.



In the setting sun, those Romans who escaped with their lives considered themselves lucky that night was soon to cover them from our wrath.

Perhaps the Romans should have been looking to their own defence. The walls of Greece are strong, and her men mighty. Pwnzerfaust, mightiest of the mighty, was marching upon Tarentum.

Spoiler: Battle of Tarentum (click to show/hide)

Frightened at Pwnzerfaust's approach, The Romans tried to gather as many troops as they could. But they had exhausted their manhood in the region of Tarentum, and only 100 men could be mustered. As Pwnzerfaust moved to intercept these troops, the generals of Tarentum knew that they had to act, lest they be trapped in their city.



Pwnzerfaust and Johnfalcon99977 urged their bodyguards forward, eager to eliminate this ragged relief. They rushed forward, their steel-tipped lances ready to piece Roman flesh.



How ironic is it that the relief force would need relief from the men they were suppose to be saving! The Romans engaged Pwnzerfaust's army, their limbs invigorated by their fears. Pwnzerfaust ranged throughout the battle, never staying in one spot but constantly in motion. Here he fights in the line, slewing Romans left and right. There he charges upon an exposed centuria, and there he cuts the Roman general in twain, ending his life.

Wherever Pwnzerfaust was, his protege Johnfalcon99977 was soon to come. His blade was eager to follow Pwnzerfaust's example, but his reserves strained to match such a peerless general. Against two such mighty Greeks, the swiftest in the battle and the race, the Romans were powerless, and were killed almost to a man.

The pair of Romans who fled barely had time to reach the city gates before Pwnzerfaust was upon them. Tarentum was ours.