Hello and welcome to the KoB tournament. Today's arena segment is the long open slopes of the NW corner of the Arena of the Mind, perfect to simulate the open range where the deer and the antelope play.
And the buffalo roam?
I'm not sure exactly what you're talking about, but could the audience please join me in welcoming her Ladyship Imustistrath to our little cavern! Your presence makes us all feel a little closer to the Mountainhomes, your Grace.
Thank you, but we may dispense with formalities between nobles. Please call me M.J.
So, I see the pens are full to bursting with livestock. Who's fighting today, Urist?
The Grazing Division of League HERBIVORE is defined by the large herds of peaceful grazing animals who wander most of the overworld. When threatened, they usually run, fleeing the map if they suffer casualties and only fighting when absolutely necessary, though many of them are quite large and therefore dangerous.
So who is favoured?[/b]
Well, that's the thing, your La - ah, MJ. No one. They don't fight. I set up this division to demonstrate the concept of Victory through Peaceful Resolution, a most undwarvenly concept that we could all learn from. When at the end we compare the bloody chaos of the other divisions to the peace of the... sweet merciless Armok, they're KILLING EACH OTHER!
Oh.
I put some gutter cruor into their feed. I thought that it would help start things with a bang. I mean, livestock are boring, aren't they? And gutter cruor always makes ME want to hit things. Look at those cows and deer go at it!
Wow... I didn't... wow...
Are they supposed to be biting so much?
I didn't know a cow could shake a deer like that... but mostly those bulls are just kicking the skull in. Wow.
--- 7 healthy cows, 4 dead deer ---
Well, I hope the next matchup is more balanced, though I can understand getting rid of deer right from the start. They had four, but usually you get seven. But the other fights should be...
Those elephants sure are nimble, aren't they. The donkeys can't land a single kick.
--- 7 slightly bruised elephants, 7 dead donkeys ---
Watch out for those tusks! But the next matchup comes from the savannahs. Let's hear it for the Gazelles and the warthogs!
Tusk attack! Warthog tusk attack! Go for it, piggies! Go... no, don't kick them! Gore them! Gore them AAAAAALLLL!!!!
(aside) I'm starting to wonder about our fortress' leadership...
They're supposed to have tusks! Four sharp tusks - why are you just kicking those poor gazelles to death like that?
--- 7 battered warthogs, 10 dead gazelles ---
Size matters, not numbers or weapons, on these bloodsoaked plains. Next up, the gentle groundhogs take on the hoary marmot team.
Awww... they're so cute. Go Groundhogs!
Very different fighting styles from what we've seen so far MJ.
Urist, the marmots are biting my groundhogs until they bleed to death!
They bite, but they don't shake each other around like the cows did. and they aren't the blunt force machines the herd animals are, either.
--- 4 wounded hoary marmots, 4 dead groundhogs ---
And our next mismatch is four mountain goats and seven muskoxen. Urist, I think you're intentionally skewing the herd sizes.
Ah, no. They're really quite solitary. And I didn't want the legendary muskoxen disqualifying a potential contender right away.
--- 7 unscathed muskoxen, 4 splattered goats ---
A muskox can and will kick a goat's leg right off! And they shake 'em like a dog shakes a rat!
Yes... I should imagine that any animal of mismatched size that can bite would behave the same. On a completely unrelated note, muskoxen are much bigger than dwarves too.
Oh, these next two matches should be interesting. Horses vs Mules and the Bactrian Camel against the Dromedary. I think I favour the mules on this one. The expression is "kick like a mule," yes?
Are you asking me about human expressions, Urist? And mules don't travel in herds. Why are there seven?
Ah, yes. Well, for domesticated animals, I roughed up herd sizes to match the usual numbers. Later on we'll see some cats take on a jaguar, just like they did in that unfortunate Potash Maker incident.
...and we are seeing a return to usual Grazing Division tactics here.
Tactics? They're just forming a big mob and kicking each other to death!
Essentially, yes. The mules got off to an early start with a lucky head shot, but now the horses have equalized. We're seeing a little biting action, but as her ladyship says, the usual tactic is to kick until you hit the head. And now two more mules are down... mostly they just bruise each other as they maneuver for the all-important cranial takedown... all but one of the mules have died... and that's match, audience. A clear win.
And the humans are wrong again, Urist. All this thinking only distracts us from obvious common sense.
--- 2 healthy horses, 4 wounded horses, 1 dead horse, 7 dead mules ---
And now: Bactrians versus Dromedaries!
All I see are camels. This is a stupid match, Urist. A huge mass of brown, identical camels, beating each other with their feet. Two have died and I don't know which team they belong to... really the grazers are kind of boring, even hopped up on gutter cruor... But once one goes down, the others seem to follow. The two-humped camels are each being attacked by two humped camels... heh.
--- 2 healthy one-humped camels, 3 wounded one-humped camels, 2 dead one-humped camel, 7 dead two-humped camels ---
That's way too many humps, audience. But the qualifying round is over.
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Topic: King of the Beasts Tournament (Read 3393 times)