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[Solifuge]

I've had consistent blahs for weeks now, separated by a few hours of normalcy when thoroughly engrossing myself in something, putting on the entertainer's mask, or taking strides to help others out or make them happy. It's a run-of-the-mill depressive streak, and I can see it plainly. So can my folks and friends, apparently, as they've voiced more concerns now than they have in the past.

While visiting my folks the other day, my Stepdad mentioned on a whim that Winston Churchill was Manic Depressive, and he channeled his depressive emotions into intense focus. That's sort of what I've always tried to do when I feel depressed, but with some things it can be difficult. I can easily wrap myself up in something thought or work-intensive, such as a new creative project, or spending a few hours to help someone out... but I have a much harder time of it when the task is something important to me, or something I need to do. It's tough to get myself to leave the house for classes, to continue searching for work, to maintain contact my family and friends, and so on. Additionally, I find it far more difficult to spend 15 minutes finishing a frivolous project than I do spending 4 hours starting a new one.

I know that my emotional state is pushing me to make poor choices, hurting my grades in the current semester, and damaging ties with people I care about; and yet pushing past it is like slogging through shin-deep mud. In hindsight I can see myself finding excuses, pushing things from my mind, or wrapping myself up in some task or other, but I can seldom tell when I'm doing it at the moment.

I can see that I'm at the root of these things... me and the choices I make. I'm convinced I can correct it under my own power, without seeking psychological help, chemical treatments, or so on; that I'm just not being focused, self-conscious, or tough enough on myself. I keep taking note of the poor choices I've made, and commit myself to changing them, but when the time comes I don't even notice myself falling into the same old habits... ignoring immediate things like phone calls or my alarm clock, or long-term problems such as my financial situation. I keep telling myself that I need to push harder but I keep failing to, and when I fail, I know that I only have myself to blame.

I can't tell if I'm just depressed, or am unconsciously sabotaging myself, or what... but whatever it is, it's a mess, and I'm having trouble finding a way out.

[Tellemurius]

Alright my friend, first things first, what do you want to do right now? just what do you feel like doing right now.

[Solifuge]

Warning; I'm going to be blunt.

There are two flavors of wants:
 1. Things I intend to do, because I should do them
 2. Things I am driven to do

Anything that I "want" to do right now is in the first category. This includes eating anything beyond the bowl of cereal I had about 12 hours ago, continuing to apply for jobs, reading any of about 10 books that I have been meaning to read, taking care of several things with my cable/phone provider so I can use my phone again, resolving yet another financial crisis before it hits me, and bringing myself to go to class tomorrow, after a streak of absences. I'll go eat after finishing this, and will force myself to tackle something on that list thereafter, but it perhaps gives something of an idea.

The things I'm driven to do within the second category are the sort that push some people to do stupid things involving ropes, sharp implements, or inappropriate usage of medication. I have the presence of mind to know that it's nothing more than nonsense, and would never act on them, however, and don't let myself dwell on them.

[Akigagak]

Soli, I can't give you any advice without being a massive hypocrite, as I'm stuck in the same goddamn hole as you are. I know how... empty it is. It's depressing when you look back and see you've done fuck all, but at the time, it just feels blank. And I've made more than my fair share of empty promises to myself, though I'll often push myself to help someone else as fast as I can.

All that aside though, I'm there (on Steam or whatever) if you want to talk. I mean... It's not like I've got a life.

[Vector]

I'd try to keep a diary.  When my self-esteem was low, I used to write down three things I liked about myself every morning.  It started off with things like "I have nice ankles and I didn't emotionally manipulate ______ today" and pretty quickly moved into things I was getting better at, day by day, because I was paying more attention to the things I did well so I'd be able to fill out my little sheet of three things.

I also used to fold paper cranes, one every time I talked to someone or did something else I needed to do.  Hundreds of them.  As above, it started out with "I said hello to someone I knew when they greeted me" and slowly developed into "I solved a really hard math problem" or "I successfully initiated a conversation."  I still keep boxes of origami paper in my room, just in case I need to start again.  It gives you a physical representation of your successes.  I was helped by wanting so badly to succeed somehow on anything, no matter how small, that I'd jump onto any excuse to fold a paper crane.  Maybe it'd even be something like "I didn't keep my boyfriend up past when he wanted to go to bed tonight, even though I feel terrible."  Some measure of progress in the things I cared about.

Something.  Anything.  It was one of the better ideas I've had vis-a-vis this sort of problem.  I hope it helps you.

[Tellemurius]

Alright you wanna know secret about the brain? It can be confused, it can be manipulated, it can be CONTROLLED. What im saying right now will help you alot. you need to fight your Driving wants, you need to counteract them with anyway possible. You will need to be optimistic, do not be discourage. Get active with friends, get help if you want it. Do not take the easy route.


Im telling you right now this will help me. Example is me. I fucking sat in a class for fucking 8 years and watch my life pasted away. The fact that no negative event effected me scares the crap outta me. I watched my father yelled at me for 8 years expelling my failures in front of me, i watched my grades slipped past everytime pulling out a procrastination, I watched people stared at me any person close to me for the last 4 years has just left me. I had abandon myself, i am considered borderline insane because i can keep to myself while destroying any social life i have. And you know what? i fucking didn't care, i had people telling me i should kill myself for being useless and i scoffed at them. So fucking what if i didn't followed your damn standards, i can think for myself.

[Falc]

I recognize a lot of what you wrote, Solifuge. I am, perhaps, in not quite as bad a place as you are, but there's a good chance that that's just pure luck.

That does mean I can't offer much proven advice. Whatever I tell you will be, to some degree, hypocritical since it's advice I wouldn't follow myself. Not beacuse it's bad advice, but because I don't consider myself worth the effort. Perhaps you can relate to this feeling that it's easier to try and help a stranger than it would be to fix myself.

Yet in a subtle way, I am trying to work on myself. If I help others to feel better, then their thanks, appreciation, maybe even friendship, makes me feel just a bit better too. Basically, I'm trying to outsmart myself. I like solving problems. Whether it's a puzzle or a quest in WoW or someone with a depression. But when I do the last bit (no I don't claim I can cure depression but I do believe that I could find some small way in which I could be some small help, which is the real puzzle...), I do tend to get something for myself out of it.

So here's my advice: find something you enjoy doing. You said yourself you tend to throw yourself into some things, so try to figure out what it is about those things you really like. And then, find a way in which you can do those things and get a little side benefit for yourself.

[Pillow_Killer]

Well, Soli, you still havent ran that D&D game

[MC Tsiru]

Sounds like me when i lost focus on my key goal. While every other action is purposeless, it's always fine for me to do (or not do) this "stuff" as long as my key goal has been worked on. I had some shitty (OMG so really shitty) years at the beginning of my university studies as i lost interest in my former key goal. Over the years i developed a new goal and things began to accelerate. I still lose focus now and then but my goal stays the same. Ok, nowadays it shifts more to family compatibility and such ... but this one thing has continuity. .... And it's not "your savior the lord" ... lawl.

Do you have some big goal?

[Lovechild]

Not going to try to give a definite answer here, but a few general tips:

- Eat regular, tasty and nutritious meals. Small amounts of chocolate count as nutritious.
- Go outside every day, take a walk around the block if nothing else.
- Listen to epic/funny/optimistic music. Suggestion: Jonathan Coulton
- Try to set up routines for stuff you need to do every day (eating, going to school, etc). They are powerful.

[eerr]

Humour me for a little while.

Tell me something you need to do.

Don't give me any extra details, nor explaination.

[ChairmanPoo]

I think it's a combination of wiring (I'm convinced some people have an easier time at staying put doing something consistently, just like some people have an easier time with languages, or calculus, etc...), practice at it, mood, and maturity.

[Vactor]

I noticed this happened to me around the end of the fall semester, and for the first part of the spring semester, by the end of spring semester i'd finally be feeling good enough that i could get my stuff together enough to repair it.  I'd start strong in the fall semester, but things would get shaky by the time finals came around.

This happened every year before I realized that it was seasonal, I since got a full spectrum light, which while not a magic elixir, did give me some amount of help.  I've actually been quite low the last few weeks, i'm thinking its about time I broke it out again.

This is all assuming you're living in the northern hemisphere.

[eerr]

Honestly, I'm more depressed if anything.

Thinking back, the opposite of this was living back in syracuse, when the summer was incredibly sunny I was incredibly active.

Except the winters were often really really bad.

[Xvareon]

I'd try to keep a diary.  When my self-esteem was low, I used to write down three things I liked about myself every morning.  It started off with things like "I have nice ankles and I didn't emotionally manipulate ______ today" and pretty quickly moved into things I was getting better at, day by day, because I was paying more attention to the things I did well so I'd be able to fill out my little sheet of three things.

I also used to fold paper cranes, one every time I talked to someone or did something else I needed to do.  Hundreds of them.  As above, it started out with "I said hello to someone I knew when they greeted me" and slowly developed into "I solved a really hard math problem" or "I successfully initiated a conversation."  I still keep boxes of origami paper in my room, just in case I need to start again.  It gives you a physical representation of your successes.  I was helped by wanting so badly to succeed somehow on anything, no matter how small, that I'd jump onto any excuse to fold a paper crane.  Maybe it'd even be something like "I didn't keep my boyfriend up past when he wanted to go to bed tonight, even though I feel terrible."  Some measure of progress in the things I cared about.

Something.  Anything.  It was one of the better ideas I've had vis-a-vis this sort of problem.  I hope it helps you.

I really agree with this approach.  You'd be surprised how effective a simple reward system is; having a tangible result in recognition of something you've done, no matter how small, is often enough of an incentive to try for another one.  Thanks for posting!