If I might suggest, adwarf, I really think you're going about this the wrong way.
In particular, I think you might be having trouble because you copied your race from another game. I still strongly recommend not doing that anyway, but in this case there's a very concrete reason why that's not going to work very well. Simply put, the two games are different, and so what's needed for a workable faction is different. It's like trying to submit the same exact character sheet for two different RPGs. Some stuff might work, but some other stuff might be missing or wrong or get in the way.
And indeed, it really looks like that's what's happening here. You've got some stuff ("proud, brave, honest, good farmers") that works, some stuff ("enslaved by a great nation, even though nobody's been around all that long") that doesn't, some stuff ("They worship Kain? Who's Kain? Why do they worship him?") that really needs to be explained better, and some stuff ("They've invented underground farms and flying machines") that's too specific or doesn't really work. All of this would probably be mostly fine (or irrelevant, like who EXACTLY Kain is) in Fiefdoms at War, because the inner workings of your society aren't really all that important. But the civs here work a lot differently, and I'm not sure you're really grasping that.
My advice, then, is to start from scratch. Even if you're certain you want most of the details to be the same, you should really rewrite them from a more "this is what my civ is generally like" perspective, rather than the more "this is what my faction is and has accomplished" theme you seem to be going with. Example spoilered below, because I've been long-winded enough as is.
As an example, think about if you wanted to make Romans. Compare the two possible descriptions below.
They're somewhat decadent, but good engineers and disciplined in battle. They hunger for conquest, and the wealth and luxury it brings.
They're a mighty empire whose legions are invincible in battle. Their leader is Julius Caesar, who crushed Spartactus' slave revolt. They've invented aqueducts to carry water everywhere, and massive shields that protect them.
The first is more general and open-ended, which means it's better for this game. There's a lot of room for them to do stuff and expand or grow in various directions.
The second is more specific but limited. That might be alright for some games, but it leaves the question of where they go from here. It's also not especially interesting, because it's pretty much just talking about how awesome they are.
If anyone has a more concise way of saying this, speak up.
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Topic: At the Dawn of Time discussion thread (Need a replacement player!) (Read 58011 times)