Wow, lots of suggestions, thanks guys.
smigenboger: Why do I want to live in the CZR... It's mostly the culture, I guess. I mean, there are downsides, but by and large, people here are very open and accepting. Very few people I've met here have been judgmental in any way and my circle of friends is full of such a wide range of people that you would never imagine them being friends with each other where I'm from. I'm talking teachers, DJs, bankers, junkies, people with high-functioning autism, uptight straight-edge folks, good-looking, scruffy-looking, young, old, one guy with mafia connections, and another guy who works as a lawyer for parliament. And people aren't afraid of each other like they are in the US. Kids can take public transport to school without their parents worrying in the slightest, and I've never heard of any violent crime. The worst thing you have to worry about normally is pickpockets. I feel safer here than I've ever felt anywhere. The police do carry guns, but they can't really use them unless someone is shooting at them first (and I've never heard of a cop shooting a gun, ever). I also love the food here - Czech bread cannot be found or even baked anywhere else in the world because they have special types of bread flour here. The beer is the best I've ever tasted, and also cheaper than I've ever seen it anywhere. There's loads of work for me as an English teacher (more than I can handle, in fact), and the cost of living is low enough that I can pay all my expenses and still save up enough money to pay my student loans every month in the USA, and then have some left over to go out every weekend. And the party scene here is unbelievable. I've always been shy and awkward and I never would have imagined myself going out dancing each weekend, but the clubs here are open all night and some of my closest friends are DJs, and knowing I won't be judged for anything I do really cuts down on the shyness. There's also a legal minimum of four weeks paid vacation per year for everyone, and a reasonably good social security system and I can expect to actually get a pension when I reach the age of retirement. And I'm not really a fan of American-style cities, but Prague doesn't really feel like a city. It's more like a great big town with grass and trees and parks everywhere and really good public transportation.
I could go on, but the short version is, I was unhappy in the US, and I'm happy here.
Zrk2: I imagine I might like Canada, but then I'd be in the immigrant situation again and I don't want to have to put in that work to live anywhere but here. Anyway, isn't it really cold in Canada? I have a really low tolerance to cold and I get pretty severe seasonal depression. :/
DJ: I'd be all for marrying for the right to live here, but I don't have anyone to marry. Several months ago, my flatmate told me he would marry me if it meant I could stay in the country, but he was really drunk and I doubt he remembers - and anyway I think he might be less willing now. (We've been having issues lately because I'm too dependent on him and he doesn't want to feel like I'm his girlfriend...) There's also the issue that in this country, once you're married, all of your legal possessions become joint possessions automatically. That means if I married someone with money, I'd have full access to it - meaning a lot of men might be wary of marriage. If you have any suggestions on finding a way to do this, though, I'd be all ears. This really does seem like the most effective possibility, if I can find someone.
Vector: California sounds like it might work out for me, actually. I currently earn the equivalent of about $15 per hour teaching English here, and that's considered a pretty good wage for a teacher. Obviously the cost of living is lower here as well, but if I could really earn $40-80 per hour, and there's a lot of work available, I could easily save up a good chunk of change pretty quickly. I'm 25 (I'll be 26 by the time I start fresh anywhere else), have an English teaching certification and a university degree, and actually I have 3 years of experience teaching EFL (one in Switzerland and it'll be 2 here before I go). I can train accents and pronunciation as well. Do you have any suggestions about where exactly in California I might look if I was considering moving there? Is there somewhere with a reasonably low cost of living without a high crime rate - preferably outside of any major cities, although I know that might be too much to ask for.
Thanks a lot everyone. If you have more suggestions, please keep them coming. Yesterday I spent several hours looking into University programs for next year. Today I'll start contacting kindergartens about working for them full-time next year and ask them what they'd do for me with the work permit and visa situation. Hopefully I'll get an answer soon from the embassy about whether I actually have to go back to the US to apply now or if I can still do it in Vienna... And then I'll probably bum some valium off a friend of mine to keep myself from having a nervous breakdown.