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[Lovechild]

Inspired by the Evil Overlord list, this is a list of tips on how to survive being a dwarf in an average fortress. Add your own!

1. If I'm a hauler without mining skill, and suddenly find my mining labor enabled, I will go on a break until it is disabled again.
2. I will never pull a lever. Ever.
3. If I like rare materials, such as native platinum, crystal glass or slade, I will not run for mayor.
4. I will never marry, and if possible never make any friends.
5. That goblin sock will still be around after the siege is over.
6. I will never step in any odd smears, spatters or pools. Especially not if I'm naked.
7. If I'm ordered to build a wall blocking the fort's entrance, I will do it immideately. From inside!
8. If I break a toe, I'll ignore it and keep working. It's better than thirsting to death in the hospital.
9. If I cancel my digging because I locate wet or warm stone, I will not listen when told to continue digging anyway.
10. If I spot something that flashes and isn't a smiley, I will run. Run and never look back.

[NW_Kohaku]

11.  I am fully capable of recognizing that Fire is, indeed, HOT!  I will not need to test this repeatedly just to make sure. 
12. !!XXSocksXX!! should probably be left alone.
13.  I will not give other dwarves hugs when they are on fire, no matter how much they claim to be unhappy about that odd fat-melting situation they are in, or how lonely they claim to be.
14.  I will practice how to run back inside the fortress even while in a panic.  When I see a hostile whatever, I will run back inside the safety of the fortress's defenses, rather than in a straight line away from the hostile whatever directly into the magma moat.

[Darvi]

15. Uncontrolled Magma is bad. Stay away from it.
16. Fish is (mostly) harmless. Don't try to dodge it
17. You know what? Don't try to doge anything if there's a pit nearby. Just run the heck away.

[GrimSkellington]

4. I will never marry, and if possible make lots of friends dependent on my continued existence, but be unaffected by stress

fix'd
Always better to be needed than to need.

[Darvi]

18. I will not stare into the kitteh's eyes. I'll just take the critter and bring it to the butcher.
19. If I'm a noble, I will make sure to check the fortress' stocks before making demands

[NW_Kohaku]

20. If elected to nobility, I will remember that copper and iron items and furniture like stout doors can make quite wonderful and dwarfy statements of my status without the need to risk any sort of "accidents".

[Kesc]

21. If there is a wizard of Yendor, flood him with magma and forget about the amulet.

[plisskin]

22. If I have ammunition and a crossbow, I will keep my distance and fire at the giant emaciated pheasant with acid blood instead of trying to bite it to death.

[NW_Kohaku]

23. For that matter, combat is for chumps with a deathwish.  I will learn some craft, preferably having to do with a virtually inexhaustable material like stone, and perform nothing but that craft day in and day out until I spit masterpieces out when I sneeze, and am considered too valuable to be left doing anything I don't want to do.

EDIT:
24.  If someone asks me to hold their bag for them, I will run away shouting about how vitally important my job is, and how I must get back to it.  Hauling is the social status kiss of death.

[plisskin]

25. I will not channel out the only thing holding up what I am standing on.

[Darvi]

25. I will not channel out the only thing holding up what I am standing on.

26. Neither will I mine through the only piece of wall keeping the ceiling up.

[Urist Imiknorris]

27. I will not fill a pond with water drawn from the same pond.

[Jake]

28. If I get struck by a brilliant idea for an artefact, I will write down a list of exactly what is required and pass it on to the broker and manager. If not everything is available, I will make a start on it with the materials available and add shells, gems etc as and when they become available.

[AlBravo]

29.  No matter how wonderful that bloated tuber on the other side of that cougar looks, I should not gather it.  I should immediately turn tail and head back to the fort.

[plisskin]

30. When caught in a fit of inspiration, I will settle for pig tail cloth even if the voices in my head are viciously demanding spider silk.