Bay 12 Games Forum

Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Advanced search  

Author Topic: Gambit- a story based off of a universe in my head.  (Read 1036 times)

ggamer

  • Bay Watcher
  • Reach Heaven through Violence
    • View Profile
Gambit- a story based off of a universe in my head.
« on: January 26, 2011, 07:45:37 pm »

Spoiler: Prolouge (click to show/hide)

Sorry it was so short.
Feedback?

---

War har! chapter one!

Spoiler: CHAPTER ONE (click to show/hide)

One more part incoming for chapter one.
« Last Edit: February 11, 2011, 09:55:11 pm by ggamer »
Logged

NobodyPro

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: Gambit- a story based off of a universe in my head.
« Reply #1 on: January 27, 2011, 07:54:06 am »

"Based on a universe inside my head." I wonder if all writers have one, or is it just us.
A correction to begin with: should "sup-space" be "sub-space".
Then some suggestions: "-a large missile-looking device-" might sound better written "-a large device, resembling a missile,-" and "Pre-specified" might sound better written "Pre-defined".
The content: Overall you have a good start to a sci-fi story, you've introduced your main characters and you've set the scene. Just watch the way you word some things and don't move to the next major event too quickly, unless it occurs directly after this piece.
Logged

Nivim

  • Bay Watcher
  • Has the asylum forgotten? Are they still the same?
    • View Profile
Re: Gambit- a story based off of a universe in my head.
« Reply #2 on: January 27, 2011, 08:22:08 am »

 I'm having trouble figuring out which voice/mind this is supposed to be coming from; it starts out in the italicized text like a magazine writer with simple, slightly stylized statements, then suddenly shifts to being Servick or someone reading his mind. If Servick really thinks in magazine format and doesn't show it outwardly, you should highlight that personality trait better, or of course do something long enough for it to show on its own.
 More concretely; could you tell me what the admiral didn't know and why he was volunteering this information at all? The "at ease" statement a moment later implies that the admiral is not only of lower rank (which is very unusual) but that he was at attention before; meaning he should not have spoken unprompted.
 The two statements right after that command imply that this general isn't very important or isn't very educated; at odds with the fact that his rank is higher than that of the admiral. The reason "generals of old" were ~cowardly was because they needed to organize and co-ordinate many, many bodies of soldiers, thus being relatively useless when personally engaged. Before that, many generals throughout history have been forced to engage, and they certainly don't fool around then! Likewise in modern military; when someone of a very high rank dies, a great deal of knowledge, experience, and co-ordination ability dies with them. Are generals a common sight in the age you write about and people even higher up wish to get rid of them? Does their education drive them to risk life and limb for little or no purpose? Are they commonly so easily tricked by the bureaucracy you mentioned earlier?

Predit: I'm "ninja'd" easily.
Logged
Imagine a cool peice of sky-blue and milk-white marble about 3cm by 2cm and by 0.5cm, containing a tiny 2mm malacolite crystal. Now imagine the miles of metamorphic rock it's embedded in that no pick or chisel will ever touch. Then, imagine that those miles will melt back into their mantle long before any telescope even refracts an image of their planet. The watchers will be so excited to have that image too.

ggamer

  • Bay Watcher
  • Reach Heaven through Violence
    • View Profile
Re: Gambit- a story based off of a universe in my head.
« Reply #3 on: January 27, 2011, 06:43:47 pm »

Thanks for the feedback. I've edited to make certain parts clearer. however, some sections of story remain ambiguous for a reason.

GamerKnight

  • Bay Watcher
  • All hail Urist McNoble and his adamantium socks!!!
    • View Profile
Re: Gambit- a story based off of a universe in my head.
« Reply #4 on: January 28, 2011, 01:00:32 am »

What does "Servik spouted out monotone reply" mean?
Logged
Love is just a chemical. We give it meaning by choice.

Dwarf Fortress : Crimes Against Nature, Man, God, Sanity and Simple Common Sense Simulator.

Dwarf Fortress: Turning men into monsters, and kittens into food since 2006.

Neonivek

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: Gambit- a story based off of a universe in my head.
« Reply #5 on: January 28, 2011, 01:20:15 am »

Overall I think the weakest part about your writing is your voice. You need to develop a voice that can project the things your writing about with the grandure you wish to potray.
Logged

ggamer

  • Bay Watcher
  • Reach Heaven through Violence
    • View Profile
Re: Gambit- a story based off of a universe in my head.
« Reply #6 on: January 28, 2011, 06:13:09 pm »

What does "Servik spouted out monotone reply" mean?
it means that that was what servick was thinking as he spouted out a monotone reply

Overall I think the weakest part about your writing is your voice. You need to develop a voice that can project the things your writing about with the grandure you wish to potray.
Thanks. This makes my first story, so I probably will learn more as time goes on.

ggamer

  • Bay Watcher
  • Reach Heaven through Violence
    • View Profile
Re: Gambit- a story based off of a universe in my head.
« Reply #7 on: February 11, 2011, 09:36:10 pm »

It does appear that I am bored out of my fucking skull, meaning...

PART 2 IS INCOMING MO-FO'S!

Farseer

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: Gambit- a story based off of a universe in my head.
« Reply #8 on: February 12, 2011, 05:12:35 am »

I wonder if all writers have one, or is it just us.

I think every single writer has at least one.

I have six. |:

Aramco

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: Gambit- a story based off of a universe in my head.
« Reply #9 on: February 12, 2011, 11:19:13 pm »

I wonder if all writers have one, or is it just us.

I think every single writer has at least one.

I have six. |:

Only six?! Well, I guess not everyone can be a mind-champion.
Logged
Or maybe there's a god who's just completely insane and sends you to Detroit, Michigan in a new body if you ever utter the name "Pat Sajak".

Nivim

  • Bay Watcher
  • Has the asylum forgotten? Are they still the same?
    • View Profile
Re: Gambit- a story based off of a universe in my head.
« Reply #10 on: February 12, 2011, 11:27:41 pm »

 As universe builders, you should know that the number of worlds does not reflect upon the power of mind; it's all in the details.
Logged
Imagine a cool peice of sky-blue and milk-white marble about 3cm by 2cm and by 0.5cm, containing a tiny 2mm malacolite crystal. Now imagine the miles of metamorphic rock it's embedded in that no pick or chisel will ever touch. Then, imagine that those miles will melt back into their mantle long before any telescope even refracts an image of their planet. The watchers will be so excited to have that image too.