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[Sappho]

It's always been a big part of my personality that I can't hold anything. I share EVERYTHING, no matter how unimportant, and over the past few years, I've come to realize that this can be really annoying. (It's to the point where when there's no one around to share things with, I have a conversation with a friend who I imagine to be there.) I've been trying to change it, and I've made some very slight progress in some areas (developing social skills overall), but I just can't figure out how to change some things.

The most important things that I need to stop are complaining (which I often don't even realize I'm doing until someone points it out) and bragging (which from my point of view is more like sharing nice things which have happened to me, but I've been told it sounds like egomaniacal bragging and that's just gotta stop).

Has anyone ever tried to make these sorts of changes before? Can anyone offer any tips? I do my best to keep it in the forefront of my mind and think about what I'm saying before I say it, but this is far easier said than done and I usually catch myself rambling on when it's too late and the damage is already done.

[Vector]

I used to wear a "shut-up ring."  It was a big clunky thing that was a bit too large for my finger, and which would move frequently enough that I'd have to pay attention to it (especially if I was talking with my hands).  Whenever I was talking and noticed the ring, I'd think about whether or not I needed to quit talking in the near future, or if I needed to ask a question.

I also started keeping a diary, in which I wrote down everything I wanted to share that no one else would be interested in.  That was very helpful, especially because I'd also take notes on how well the shutting-up project was going.  When I consciously reminded myself of what I was trying to do at least once every day, it became far easier to make progress.

As far as complaining goes, I still complain a lot.  I also try to cry more so I'll pick fewer fights/complain less, as I often got into some of my bigger ones due to depression, rather than real anger... and I try to make it entertaining for the people around me, by making jokes or involving the other folks in my complaints.  I also just complain less, which is easier to do when you have more going on in your life.  If you can find something you want to do and put a lot of effort into doing it, you'll be more distracted, and you'll find that you have more important and enticing things to talk about than your various minor difficulties.

Hope that helps.

[The Merchant Of Menace]

Umm... In short I would say, don't.
Anyone who can't deal with who you are isn't worth changing for, in my opinion...

[Mindmaker]

You'll adapt in time.
I had people pointing similar things about me before and with a bit of self control it went away after a while.

[Darvi]

Umm... In short I would say, don't.
Anyone who can't deal with who you are isn't worth changing for, in my opinion...

Eh, it depends. If you're a real jerk then it's you who's the problem. Not that it's the case here, but I'm just saying.

@sappho I also have the urge to talk to people about stuff they don't want to hear. The solution? I talk to my younger brother when he is a jerk. *grin* That way I can talk and nobody else has to suffer me.

Or I talk to inanimate objects. That sometimes happens too 

[Korbac]

Poor Darvi. Not comfortable with talking to yourself? 

Sappho, I had a similar problem once. However, it was much worse - I was a total douche. (Probably still am, but I've had a go at changing.) After I realised how much I really liked my friends, and how I'd been irritating them consistently, I kind of shamed myself into good behaviour. Worked rather well, soon everyone else was receptive to me again.

[Darvi]

Poor Darvi. Not comfortable with talking to yourself? 

Nah, I keep arguing with myself. Doesn't help that everyone of me is a jerkass to a certain degree.

[Korbac]

It's pretty cool isn't it! You can have a conversation with someone who'll always listen...

[Sappho]

Thanks for the responses so far. I think the "wear something uncomfortable and annoying" (like a big clunky ring) idea is the most helpful so far. The problem is not self-control, it's just *remembering* to check myself (and realizing whether what I'm doing might constitute complaining or bragging). When I was learning the basic social skills of eye contact, monitoring how long I've been taking about the same topic, whether it's time to let the other person speak, whether the other person is interested, etc., I had someone helping me who constantly reminded me and pointed out when I made a mistake. This time I'm on my own. I guess I can ask my friends to point out to me when I'm doing this stuff, but I don't want to put the responsibility on them and I spend more time at work than with my friends anyway.

On a side note, I think it's kind of cool that there are enough players of DF on the autistic spectrum that I don't have to explain in detail what I've gone through learning to act normal. Something about this game...

In response to other comments: I went through a long period of time (ah, those teenage years... aren't we all embarrassed about them when they're over...) when I thought the world was just full of jerks and I shouldn't have to change for them. Then when I found out I had asperger syndrome, I finally realized that I'm the one acting inappropriately, not them, and if I ever wanted to be a part of society, I had to learn the rules. These days I'm 25, living on my own in a foreign country, and I have plenty of friends, but I'm still finding myself lonely and left out a lot because people just don't want to spend too much time around someone annoying. I think if I can overcome a few more hurdles, I'll be all set. I'll always be a bit odd, but that's ok by me and the excellent friends I have.

The problem is also definitely not that I'm not busy enough. I get up every morning at 6:30 to get ready for work, spend the whole day traveling around the city teaching English lessons with a few short breaks for planning lessons and eating (and writing quick messages on the forum), and don't get home til at least 7:30 pm most days. I barely have time to think and I'm exhausted each day when I get home, then have to make dinner and prepare the next day's lessons before bed (with the occasional hour or two dedicated to some computer games). The constant talking is just part of my personality. Even as I'm running from metro to tram to bus and back again, I'm muttering to myself constantly, and I even catch myself sharing too much with my students, who probably have no interest in my personal life whatsoever.  And my poor flatmate (who puts up with this very well and only just pointed it out one night when we were both very drunk) has to listen to me every day before each lesson going "I don't WANNA go teach! I'm *tired* and I wanna go to *bed*." and after each lesson going "That lesson was so great! My students love me so much! I am the greatest teacher!"

And now it's back to work I go... One more lesson and then I'm free!!!

[Korbac]

I'm sure you'll do fine for yourself Sappho. Now that you've realized the 'problem', you've overcome the biggest hurdle. 

[Armok]

Get a videoblog.

[Sappho]

Actually I've been aware of this problem for a long time and been trying to fix it, but without success so far. I thought I had improved, but every now and then one of my friends will tell me that I complain way too much, and I trust their opinions and honesty. Hence the thread asking internet strangers for tips.

I used to keep online journals about my personal life, but I... Well, one day I realized I was one of *those* people. Those people who rant on (in the most self-centered and emotional manner possible) about every little detail of their lives and then get upset when the entire Internet doesn't stop by to offer condolences. So I stopped, and now I only write stuff on my (comic) blog and twitter that is relevant to other people. (I double-check before each post.) I'm terrified that's how I sound in real life though... That would be horrible.

[Mindmaker]

Sorry Sappho, I thought you were just socially challenged, like I am.
Any further advice I could give you, would probably not be of any help.

Oh and you're not wrong, the world is full of jerks.

[The Merchant Of Menace]

Yup. Sick, perverted, jerks.

[Zrk2]

Write it on your hand. That could help too. I write my important stuff to do on my hand...