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[DJ]

Your folks are just worried there's something wrong with you because you're single, and they're worried you won't give them grandchildren (apparently everyone over 40-50 is obsessed with having grandchildren). Pretend you're dating someone if you want them to stop bothering you. Then they'll inevitably want to meet him, and a screwball comedy will ensue.

[Tellemurius]

congrats, you girls are the anime freaks that sits next to my table during lunch at school. No i really never care what they looked like and i enjoyed some chats with them and naruto fights (i hate that show).

[The Merchant Of Menace]

(Well, I dress to deter contact. From how you've described yourself I feel you'd be able to pull it off well)

[Lekegolo Khanid]

Who gives a flying f**k what people think. Wear whatever you feel good in. If having people that don't know you, and don't care about you think highly of you is important to you feeling good... you have some issues imo lol. If they do know you and do care about you your clothing shouldn't matter.

[IzzieBean]

Hrm.

I will admit, that to a point I was in a similar situation. Female engineering grad, no real aesthetic "code" where I went to school, and not a lot of fashion sense of my own to draw on. Highschool was mostly uniforms and the occasional rebellion time in psuedo-goth, the latter being far too intensive to keep up once I hit college, heh. As time went on, I had my own comfortable attire - higher cut tank tops and jeans etc. and my more professional clothes, button downs and creased pants. The former wasn't particularly good at presenting my best side at home, and I never felt all that comfortable in the work clothes.

I continued with this for a while - until I eventually got sick of it, and wanted to feel confident in my clothes and fashion as I felt in other aspects of my life. (Honestly, I think this is most of what it boils down to - if you, at least on some level, feel confident and attractive in what you're wearing, other people will pick up on it too). I ended up asking for help - friends and female family who were more fashionably inclined, and took notes (mentally). Sometimes we went shopping together, and I'd take suggestions, but the way -I- felt about things was always the most important opinion.

In the end, I found some current fashions that I would have never guessed looked as nice as they did on my body type - and colors and combinations that I would have never thought to combine, that ALSO looked right on me. It's been slow going, I will admit, I'm still fairly picky with most of the modern trends - but having a closet of clothes that both I and others find myself attractive in, have created a rather nice feedback loop of confidence. I will admit, it took (and takes) slightly more work than my previous jeans and tanktop - but still not weeks in the store and hours in the bathroom primping. The little extra time feels worth it from the exponential increase in how put-together I feel, and in the end I still don't feel "sold out" because everything is something that I'm wearing not just to fit in, but because -I- like it too.

~Izzie

tl;dr - As long as you're confident in what you're wearing, it'll show. And if you're really stuck, approach someone you trust for fashion advice, but don't forget your own preferences.

[Mindmaker]

Your folks are just worried there's something wrong with you because you're single, and they're worried you won't give them grandchildren (apparently everyone over 40-50 is obsessed with having grandchildren).

Indeed.
Doesn't bother me as much as my father questioning my sexuality, just because I'm not a skirt chaser, like he was.

Can't contribute much on the topic, as I have no sense of fashion.
Nowadays I only go out, when there's some event with a dresscode around.
Since I don't like thinking about what too wear and I feel at home in suits, that works for me just fine.

However I need to figure out my own style in the next six months, since I'll need to be prepared for college.

[Vector]

Who gives a flying f**k what people think. Wear whatever you feel good in. If having people that don't know you, and don't care about you think highly of you is important to you feeling good... you have some issues imo lol. If they do know you and do care about you your clothing shouldn't matter.

I don't like it when guys pretend to catcall me because they think I'd be such a ridiculous person to catcall.

It's embarrassing and happens with some frequency.

Does that give me "issues?"  I don't know.  But man, the interruptions when I'm just walking around are annoying.  I also occasionally think about how nice it would be to straighten my hair so I wouldn't have people running around Hitler-saluting me if I take a walk on Saturdays.  Or all kinds of other personal changes with similar aims.

There's something you don't seem to understand, which is that for a woman, one's appearance still has a significant impact on salary and social perception.  If I get attacked "for being a Jew," then let's be serious here--it's probably game over for me.  That doesn't mean I'm doing anything about my hair, just because I've been mistaken for the "wrong" racial group once or twice.  It does mean, however, that I'm thinking seriously about the benefits of blending in as I become more of an adult.

[Bouchart]

I don't follow.  I think you are dancing around some larger problem or issue you have.

[Footkerchief]

Actually, this is false.  I frankly don't feel I have the body type to pull off typical "stylish fashion" with the skinny jeans and low-cut tops.  Someone else's top would just reveal a whole lot of... nothing to reveal.  Also, I've been unable to get contacts due to blepheritis issues, so for now I'm just trying to get a pair of cuter glasses.

(Seriously, one of my main arguments for button-down blouses is that they at least look good on someone with no chest.  I've been mistaken for a man before when I was wearing short shorts and a tank top, and for a 40-year-old.  There's no question about my gender when I wear dressish things)

Dressing attractively isn't just about showing skin or curves or muscles, it's about looking like you're comfortable with your body.  The clothes you describe (layers upon layers of black lacy stuff) may be interesting by themselves, but when you put them on your body, it probably looks like you're trying to divert attention away from how you yourself look.

I know plenty of women who have no curves and still look great.  It all flows from being comfortable with your naked self.  Everyone has their insecurities, but you sound like you've given up on liking your body.

But man, the interruptions when I'm just walking around are annoying.  I also occasionally think about how nice it would be to straighten my hair so I wouldn't have people running around Hitler-saluting me if I take a walk on Saturdays.  Or all kinds of other personal changes with similar aims.

There's something you don't seem to understand, which is that for a woman, one's appearance still has a significant impact on salary and social perception.  If I get attacked "for being a Jew," then let's be serious here--it's probably game over for me.  That doesn't mean I'm doing anything about my hair, just because I've been mistaken for the "wrong" racial group once or twice.  It does mean, however, that I'm thinking seriously about the benefits of blending in as I become more of an adult.

Are you sure the Hitler salutes are about you looking Jewish, and not about you wearing lots of freaky black leather Gestapo gear?

[Mephansteras]

There's something you don't seem to understand, which is that for a woman, one's appearance still has a significant impact on salary and social perception. 

Any issues with work related stuff can simply be solved by having appropriately professional looking 'work cloths'. I personally hate wearing button-down shirts and ties, but I've done so in a lot of jobs because that was dress code. My girlfriend does the same. She dresses as herself outside of work and has a bunch of work outfits that she wears. They look professional and good on her, but that doesn't mean she prefers those looks.

So, yes, to a certain extent I'd say Compromise is necessary. Depends on the work environment, of course. In my current job people dress however they want. Ripped clothing, colored hair, piercing, whatever. As long as it's not horribly offensive or inappropriate (swimware or the like) it's allowed.

As for general life, as long as you have friends you enjoy spending time with who don't judge you on what you wear you're fine. It sounds like you're more concerned with your professional outlook than your personal one, so I'd say go with whatever compromise is necessary for the jobs you want.

[Vector]

... Yes, that is actually why I asked for other people's stories initially, rather than specific advice about whatever other people thought of my situation.

I guess I just shouldn't have explained in the OP, but it seemed kind of rude.

Basically, I'm caught between stubbornly thinking "I won't do anything unless I want to!" and "there would sure be some advantages into blending into the crowd."  It's not one of those simple solutions where you go on the internet and agree with whoever tells you to do what you already feel like doing.  It's a problem I think about sometimes, so I decided to ask for advice.


I see pros and cons to each side, and I know all the standard arguments of "be true to yourself," etc., etc.  It's rhetoric.  My interest is in the narrow line between things working and things not working, and where various folks think it is.

I have various reasons for changing or not changing.  Some of the reasons are practical, some a little bit weird... but really, they aren't what I want to talk about here, because I knew when I started this thread that it was going to spark the usual B12 partisan debate.  I don't need to be told "be true to yourself" or "just go dress normally already," guys.  I know which sides exist, and a tally of "who on the internet said I should change vs. who said I shouldn't" is not interesting or helpful.  I'm interested in qualitative information.  If you guys don't think you can give it, or don't feel comfortable talking about your own interactions with society, then that's fine.  But I want to make it clear that there's a different sort of information I'm hoping for.

Are you sure the Hitler salutes are about you looking Jewish, and not about you wearing lots of freaky black Gestapo gear?

I mostly wear clothing in blue, black, brown, lavender, gray, and white (as a reaction to spending a couple of years wearing mostly bright red).  Generally, it's light on the black--and I wasn't wearing any when that happened.  My hometown is kind of full of twerpy privileged high school kids who think that sort of thing is hilarious =/

The example to MoM was only of the equivalents I happen to own in my wardrobe if I were trying to dress as she suggested, not my usual clothing selections.

Also, my leather boots are more Victorian-walking-boots than I'm-going-to-stomp-you-boots.


Frankly, I find my body very boring.  You're right, I'm not comfortable with it, which is probably the core problem here.  I'm scared of attracting people on anything but personality, not because I feel like I'd be cheating, but because I'm terrified of being assaulted.

I guess I should think about this some more.

As for general life, as long as you have friends you enjoy spending time with who don't judge you on what you wear you're fine. It sounds like you're more concerned with your professional outlook than your personal one, so I'd say go with whatever compromise is necessary for the jobs you want.

I was thinking more in terms of outside-of-job social networking for career advantage, but then I guess your point still stands =)

Thanks.

[Mephansteras]

Basically, I'm caught between stubbornly thinking "I won't do anything unless I want to!" and "there would sure be some advantages into blending into the crowd."  It's not one of those simple solutions where you go on the internet and agree with whoever tells you to do what you already feel like doing.  It's a problem I think about sometimes, so I decided to ask for advice.

I went through that too for a while. But really it just comes down to 'what do I want more?'

Do you want to wear a particular look that you think would exclude you from a particular job? Or do you want that job?

Often the compromise is more within yourself than anything else. My girlfriend would love to have crazy dyed hair like she had in college, but there's no way she could do that with where she works. Right now, she'd rather have the job.

As long as all of your options are some part of "I want this..." then you can stop worrying about the whole 'true to yourself thing' and spend time on the questions that are more important. Namely, which parts of yourself are most important to you?

Answer that and you'll usually have a fairly good idea.

Also, keep in mind that things change over time. I used to wear my cloak all the time (well, except to work). I eventually stopped and I only really wear it to SCA events now. I'm not entirely sure when or why that happened, but it did. And that doesn't really bother me, since it wasn't anything anyone forced on me.

[The Merchant Of Menace]

Hmm. If not liking your body is an issue, then I guess I'm the last person who should be offering advice

[Vector]

@Meph: As simple as it seems now that I think about it, that is excellent advice.  Thank you.

[Snarkophagus]

Haven't read the other responses yet, so I may not be chiming in with anything new, but it doesn't sound to me like your appearance is an issue.  Honestly, your description of your typical wardrobe isn't that far off from what the women wear to work at my office - where the dress code is business casual, but since I have more important things to worry about the only thing I'm really strict about is "underwear goes on the inside and for God's sake I don't want to see your bra."

Since success is your context and I hire people a lot, I'll give you that point of view.  In my experience professors generally don't care what you wear, but will take you more seriously if you don't overtly look like you belong to a fringe culture.  Business is the same.  I've rejected people who've applied for work with me because they seemed to have the impression that looks are everything.  As for "persistent earnestness, honesty, cleverness, and compassion," if those are traits you can claim, I'd hire ten of you before I even looked at someone who tarted herself up for an interview.  (Not least because I just know I'd eventually have to call her out on the whole bra thing.)

If you like your style, and look presentable and approachable, personally, I see no reason to change it.

(Hi, by the way.  New here.  Stopped lurking this evening.)