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[FunctionZero]

Well, Fragalicious, I welcome you as well. Even though I'm known to ... dislike Ponychan, I'll be as kind as possible here. I won't judge you just because of that.
So yeah, welcome to Bay12 Forums.

Thanks, I appreciate that. Many people dislike us, I suppose. I know we aren't perfect. But we are trying and having an imageboard available to everypony.
And like we try to do with everyone, I'll love you and tolerate you all the same, no matter what you think.
Say, aren't you the one who made that big image dump some time ago? I thank you for that, it was mostly that which really caught my attention so that I decided to join your community.

Yeah, about "everypony", we don't really append -pony instead of -one here.
And about the "love and toleration" ... actually forget it.

And yeah, I was the one mostly doing that dump. (image one, not fecal, heh). Of course I wasn't the only one, though you know that.

[Fragalicious]

Yeah, about "everypony", we don't really append -pony instead of -one here.

Sorry, didn't know that. I'll stop if it bothers you.

You seem a pretty nice guy, FunctionZero, why were you muted anyway?

[Dsarker]

For getting angry over people using brony, appending -pony, and other memetastic sorts of things

Anyway, here's my second draft of my GDMLPSS. Hope you like it. Criticise it.

Spoiler: Silence (click to show/hide)

The streets of Ponyville were silent.

Three ponies huddled in fear. Something had been pursuing them the entire day, and now they didn't know how to escape. First it took the older ponies, then the other fillies and colts, one by one. Now only Sweetie Belle, Applebloom, and Scootaloo remained.

"What're we gonna do, Scootaloo?" asked Sweetie Belle.

Scootaloo was silent. In her mind, one sentence ran through her mind. 'What would Rainbow Dash do?' But nothing came.

"Scootaloo?" The sound of Applebloom's voice brought Scootaloo back to her senses.

"I...I don't know, guys." The words tumbled out of Scootaloo's mouth. They felt sour. 'You're such a failure, pipsqueak. No wonder I never hung out with you' came the thought into her head. She hung her head in shame. In their moment of need, when her friends needed her most, she failed.

She started to cry. Unbidden, the thoughts kept coming. The memories. First her failures as a Cutie Mark Crusader. All the times they had tried something, and it failed. Then came her failure today.

In the depths of her mind, her self-loathing had a face, a name, and a voice. Rainbow Dash. And she came up again, to taunt Scootaloo in her failure. 'What happened, pipsqueak? Was it the blood? If we'd switched places, we'd still be safe. Our friends would be here. Maybe you wouldn't. You'd be too scared. You're just like Fluttershy!' she shouted into Scootaloo's mind.

Then it was Twilight. The learned pony, the one who'd always supported the trio, was shaking her head. 'What happened, my little pony? Was it the unknown? If you'd kept in school like you should have, we'd still be safe. Our friends would be here. Maybe you wouldn't. Maybe you'd still be too ignorant. You're just like Fluttershy!" she shouted into Scootaloo's mind.

It changed forms again. Applejack. Again. Pinkie Pie. Rarity. Then lastly...Scootaloo faced herself. 'Even our friends saw you better than you could see yourself! Scootaloo the chicken!'

At last, it turned back to Rainbow Dash. 'You said I was your idol, that you'd do whatever I wanted! Why couldn't you even save my life, pipsqueak!'

Something finally snapped in Scootaloo's mind. She got up, and fighting the protests of her friends, she stepped into the street. Sweetie Belle and Applebloom turned to the wall.

The streets of Ponyville were silent.

[FunctionZero]

You seem a pretty nice guy, FunctionZero, why were you muted anyway?

Dsarker there pretty much summed it up. Kinda.

I was never really getting angry. It was more of an intellectual discussion. I am opposed to those things, but not really angry.
And of course someone took offense with that, cue mute.

I think you're the first person though that ever described me as "nice", heh.

[Dsarker]

I like you!


I'd like you even more if you were to rip my story to shreds, but meh

[FunctionZero]

I like you!


I'd like you even more if you were to rip my story to shreds, but meh

Who, me?
I really try to avoid fanfiction. But fine, let's review it.

On account of formatting, it's too segmented. Don't make a new paragraph for each sentence.
I don't think "what're" is a correct truncation.
Also, try going chronologically. Even if most writers (even professional ones) think that being fancy and getting the reader to piece everything together is clever, it's often not so good. So try also telling what happened before.
It's not necessary and this way is completely viable too, though.

Ripped to shreds enough?
Note, like I said earlier, that I don't read fanfiction. Mostly I read those thick novels and that's what I can compare you to. So I might even be too harsh on this, given how I'm comparing you to established professionals.

And that's about it, I guess.

[Dsarker]

Thank you!


In answer to your ripping commentary (again, thanks),

I'll try and change that
I did think I heard that in one of the CMC episodes, but I might be wrong there. I'll watch them again and try to get her lines working well.
Well, that's all the story I was planning to tell. Some beast attacked Ponyville, killed all but the CMC, Scootaloo has a breakdown, commits suicide by monster. If you think I should tell more, I could, though.

[FunctionZero]

Well, that's all the story I was planning to tell. Some beast attacked Ponyville, killed all but the CMC, Scootaloo has a breakdown, commits suicide by monster. If you think I should tell more, I could, though.

And even that story alone is enough. No need to do more.
Problem is just that I didn't know that. All that was in your story was "something bad happened, everyone died". So yeah, do what you're planning and it's great.

Well, for some, at least. It's too "dark" and out-of-style for me.

[Dsarker]

Well, this one was basically (very) inspired by The Cough, which I've linked to above. But yeah, I've been listening to a lot of depressing music recently. If you were to take a DF though report, I doubt I'd rate at anything above unhappy. Oh, well. It helps the creative juices.

[FunctionZero]

I told you, bro. I told you dem Justin Bieber will depress you. It keeps happening.

[Dsarker]

Nah, it was Exile Vilify.

[Blade Master Model 42]

I told you, bro. I told you dem Justin Bieber will depress you. It keeps happening.

I see what you did there.

*Fry.jpg*

[FunctionZero]

FunctionZero is a shitty, lying hypocrite.

Or in other words, I'm writing a fanfiction. Oh, but this one will be different than any other fic. If I manage to write it, you'll see.

And damn, it's hard to write. I've actually got all planned out in my head, but forming words seems so hard. I just can't get those ideas on paper.

[Blade Master Model 42]

Ooh, this I must see. The fanfiction of someone who despises fanfiction. Should be interesting.

[Johuotar]

Oh, but this one will be different than any other fic.

I'm most interested in this product of yours. I wish you luck in writing it! I've recently skimmed through few fanfics, the latest being this:Our First Steps
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hIVhpYmrBCo-yLUA9OgJwXRqrAWIprLlesONIs-JTqA/edit?hl=en_US&pli=1

I read it because of being tired to fics where the only point is to make reader cry over everyponys horrible death
Has someone else read it?

Oh and welcome to Bay12 forums Fraglacious! Nice to have new people here.