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[RedWarrior0]

I disappear for a week and only one turn? For shame.

[Dermonster]

To be fair, I was gone too so I couldn't post an action.

[Gatleos]

I disappear for a week and only one turn? For shame.

That, and I only got back from a camping trip which coincided with the return of Derm's internet just now.

[monk12]

I disappear for a week and only one turn? For shame.

That, and I only got back from a camping trip which coincided with the return of Derm's internet just now.

COINCIDENCE!?! I think not!

[Gatleos]

This is turn one hundred and fifteen of a roll to dodge game called Roll to Roll to Dodge: A Meta-Adventure, as posted to the Bay12 forums.

**********~
Turn 115
**********~

META TURN:

Storage ho?

Goals
Find the keycard stations.

Current Soundtrack
Dynamo Core

Actions

Meta: Investigate pedestal

(...) You squirm around in the hallway for a while, actually moving a bit further from the storage area.

Meta: Commence looting!

(...) You begin to loot the storage room, but are quickly distracted by a box of bran flakes. You devour the whole box, then collapse on the floor.

Meta: Find a piece of machinery than try to repeat previous roll.

(...) You scream incoherently and thrust your pelvis at the pile of machinery. Nothing seems to be happening.

RW: Check pedestal for shiny red button.

(...) You jog a short distance, close enough to the pedestal to tell that there is no button, shiny or no, on its surface. You have the feeling that there would be some kind of Total Recall/Lotus Eater Machine joke at this point, had that DAMNED RED COYOTE not ruined it earlier-

...

Oh. Anyway, what you can see is a set of five LEDs, two of which are lit a bright green color. There is a closed hatch on the pedestal's surface.

RW: Build a sonic cannon out of parts and guitar, activated by EPIC RIFFING!
MC: Get all the webbing you can carry!

(...) You work long and hard, fusing the various holodeck components with your guitar while Kyle stands off to the side and does pelvic thrusts at you. At last, you activate the power source and your sonic cannon comes to life!



"Let's rock."

Status
Player: dermonster
Name: Derek L.
Occupation: Video game Developer/designer.
Location: Holodeck
Currently: Prepping for face meltage.
Inventory: Explosive Collar | Jumpsuit | Splint | Bottle of Painkillers | Keen Helmet | Pencil x4 | Coffee Mug | Sonic Cannon | Marshall C. Coburn (commanding) | Micro Mecha Spider (commanding)
Wounds: Heavy Burns
Abilities: Code Expert | Neckbeard | NERD RAEG
Player: Frelock
Name: Frederick Stephonavich
Occupation: Actuary (Knowing probabilities of things)
Location: Holodeck
Currently: Fidgeting.
Inventory: Explosive Collar | Jumpsuit | Laser Dagger | Cheetah Arm | Thermometer
Wounds: Missing Arm | Heavy Bleeding
Abilities: Uncanny Prediction | Actuary's Lament | Tweak the Odds
Player: monk12
Name: Monk
Occupation: Troper
Description: Characteristically wears nice hats. Top hats, pirate hats, fedoras, you name it. Hopefully still has one in his possession.
Location: Certainly not still in the Holodeck
Currently: Binging on bran flakes.
Inventory: Moist Top Hat | Explosive Collar | Jumpsuit | Plasma Rifle | Balloon Animal | Mirror Suit
Wounds: None
Abilities: Applied Phlebotinum | TV Tropes Will Ruin Your Life | MacGyvering | Telekinesis | Pyrokinesis | Legendary Record Keeper
Player: HighEndNoob
Name: Kyle Hammers
Occupation: Janitor
Location: Holodeck
Currently: What... the... hell...?
Inventory: Explosive Collar | Jumpsuit | Mop | Rubber Gloves | Medkit | Power Cleaner | Wheelchair | Burlap Sack | Spray Can | Gas Mask | Bucket | Cleanz0r (commanding)
Wounds: Missing Legs | Triple Head Bumps | Blind | Nosebleed
Abilities: That's The Power of Pinesol, Bitch! | Clean Freak | Custodial Might | EMT | Digitigrade Legs | Telepathy | Clairvoyance
Player: _DivideByZero_
Name: John Freeman
Occupation: Drill Sergeant
Location: Certainly not still in the Holodeck
Currently: Checking out the pedestal.
Inventory: Explosive Collar | 1/2 Jumpsuit | Turban | Unicorn Band-aids | Glass Shard | Fake Ammo Belts | Caruso Shades | Cheetah Arm | Spacesuit | Arm Cannon | Paperweight x3 | Gasoline Canister
Wounds: None
Abilities: Major Payne | Fullmetal Jacket | Apocalypse Now
Name: Marshall C. Coburn MkII Combat Droid
Description: A giant mechanical spider made of smaller mechanical spider parts. It was fitted with an advanced AI routine and can now talk. It also has a self-powered eye-laser taken from the remains of Xenocalamus.
Inventory: None
Wounds: None
Abilities: Eye Laser | Web Shooter

Group Attacks
Impromptu Singalong
Spur of Conflagration to Giga Lazor

Locations
The S.S. Periclase
Main Deck
Deck 2
Maintenance Deck 3, Main Elevator
Maintenance Deck 3, Living Quarters
Maintenance Deck 3, Engineering Lab
EARTH!
Elevator Controls
Interrogation Room 7E-365 (Deck M3): You were all shackled to chairs in here when you woke up. The door has been dropkicked off its hinges. There's circuitry on the walls, a row of monitors, and a row of 5 chairs.

Spoiler: INITIATING RTD ROUTINE (click to show/hide)

FANTASY TURN:

The quest for The Keystone has begun.

Goals
"KIDNAP THE MAYOR OF THIS TOWN AND ESCAPE" Complete!
Throw Ogomspoxom into the fires of Mt. Helmath! Complete!
Establish diplomatic relations with the Goblins! Failed Miserably
Brave the depths of Bistökmafol and deliver the package.

Current Soundtrack
Marsh Land

Actions

Fantasy: Slice gargoyle, sacrifice blood to make my lungs rot away and replace them with magical energy, me litch me.

(...) You charge at the gargoyles in a frenzy! (...) The first gargoyle jumps out of the way, (...) the second leaps into the air and prepares to counterattack, (...) and the third is sliced into giblets by your flurry of slashes! You absorb the blood and feel your lungs and liver rot away. Unfortunately, you still seem to have a mostly-functioning circulatory system in place, so you won't be able to hold your liquor very well until your blood turns into... like... fairy dust or some crap. While you're pondering this, the second gargoyle dive-bombs you from behind! (...) You roll out of the way in the nick of time!

Fantasy: Pray to the Pirate God for healing.

(...)

"O Pirate God, hear my-"
"Huh? What?!"
"Er... Are you the... Pirate God?"
"Aye. Whaddaya want?"
"You're a shark named Johnny? I don't even know what that's from..."
"Well, what exactly were ya expectin'?!"
"I dunno, like a One Piece reference or something- hey, can you do something about these missing limbs?"
"Look kid, I'm kind of busy right now. Whittle yourself a peg limb or somethin'."

A small log appears next to you on the floor.

Fantasy: Open shiny chest.

(...) You reach out your hands and lift the lid of the gilded chest, revealing a swirling pillar of golden light! You reach into the chest to retrieve its contents, and...



You found the Dungeon Map!
Press the hyperlink to get into the
Subscreens and look at the
DF Map Archive Subscreen!
Click the up and down arrows to
select a floor to view.

FW: Fight!

(...) You toss your battleaxe at the remaining gargoyle, (...) but it shoots into the air, dodges the flying axe, and tackles you! The axe continues to fly through the air, straight at Mutie! (...) He deflects the axe with his foretentacle, sending it flying back toward you! The axe passes straight over you, slicing the gargoyle clean in half! You are drenched in gargoyle blood as you hear the axe clang against a stone wall behind you.

FW: Surround HEN in a giant sphere of water and fling it at the gargoyle.

(...) You stand up as a rogue battleaxe whizzes past your head, then create a sphere of water somewhere below the windmill tower! The ball of water, now containing HEN, bursts out of the top of the tower, destroying several windmills! It then drifts above you. There don't appear to be any living gargoyles left, so you drop the water sphere. The thin stone floor crumbles beneath the weight of the sphere, and HEN falls through to the floor below!

The windmill tower begins to rumble and quake, and the water flow intensifies!

Status
Player: dermonster
Name: Derm Hell-binder
Occupation: Elemental Mage/Summoner.
Location: Tower Complex, Bistökmafol
Currently: Testing water physics.
Inventory: Robes | Spiffy Hat | Keyring| Mutie (Commanding) | Sword | Armor | Rat x2 (Commanding) | ≡Plump Helmet Roast≡
Wounds: Heavy Burns | Brittle Skull
Abilities: Gift of the Magi (...) | Squishy Wizard | Summoner (...) | Tentacle Arm | Water Blast | Superheat | Tectonic Shift | Lightning Rod | Bonesalve The Savior of Mending
Player: Frelock
Name: Frelock Von-Heisenberg
Occupation: Luck-o-mancer (Manipulating probabilities of things)
Location: Tower Complex, Bistökmafol
Currently: Slicing gargoyles to bits.
Inventory: Gold Coin | Peasant Robes | Golden Pocket Watch | Map of Westport | Long Sword | Armor | Spring Shoes
Wounds: No Liver
Abilities: Smooth Criminal | Accident Waiting to Happen | Befuddlement | Legsplosion | Greater Legsplosion | Armsplosion | Lich Curse
Player: monk12
Name: Edgar
Occupation: Sky Pirate
Location: Courtyard, Bistökmafol
Currently: Damnit, what's that from?!
Inventory: Sleeveless Long Coat | Grappling Hook | Harpoon Gun | Bloody Arrow | Case of Booze | Mysteeeeeeerious Package | Scrying Orb | Ghost of Bloodbeard (Commanding)
Wounds: Right Forearm Missing | Left Arm Missing | Missing Leg x2 | Very Heavy Bleeding x2 | Faint
Abilities: Booze Power (...) | Terraphobia | Side-quest Radar | Possessed | Faint
Player: HighEndNoob
Name: HighEndNoob
Occupation: Ninja Sniper
Location: Tower Complex, Bistökmafol
Currently: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Inventory: Robe | Throwing Dagger x18 | Musket | Musket Ammo x18 | Sword | Tattered Shirt | Leaf Barrel | Map of Bistökmafol
Wounds: Missing Tooth | Heavy Bleeding
Abilities: Immaculate Aim | Clumsy Fighter | 'Splode On Impact | Best Death EVAR | Legendary Swimmer
Player: _DivideByZero_
Name: Urist Anvilsmasher
Occupation: Soapmaker
Description
Location: Tower Complex, Bistökmafol
Currently: Getting teh XPs stolen from him by a kitteh.
Inventory: Cave Spider Silk Shoes x2 | Monkeytear the Fanciness of Wearing | Bar of Kitten Tallow Soap | Battle Axe | Bamboo Pegarm | Stone Arm | Ozurlidod
Wounds: Missing Arm x2 | Crooked Toe | Heavy Bruising | Missing Tooth x2 | Black Eye
Abilities: Dabbling Surgeon (...) | Meager Social Ability | Martial Trance | Prehensile Beard | Legendary Leatherworker
Name: Mutie
Description: A giant mass of biological matter with a cat head sticking out of it. It takes orders from Derm.
Inventory: None
Wounds: None
Abilities: None

Locations
Ashiorid
Hellfire Cove
The Borealis
Condition:
Sunk
Westport
Mayor's Ogomspoxom's Former Manor
Forest Retreat
Nolsmustul, Goblin Fortress

[HighEndNoob]

Meta: Find a shiny object.
Fantasy: Get up and try to find where we're suppost to go.

[_DivideByZero_]

RW: Jump into the hatch.
FW: Sheath weapons(s) and follow HEN.

[Dermonster]

*Subtley pokes gift of the magi to 3.5*

RW: To the pedestal room! Try to collect a bunch of webbing for later, and to sorta clear out the floor.

FW: Teleport down to Edgar.

The tvtropes page needs more love ;.;

[Frelock]

Meta: Go to pedestal and open the hatch.

Fantasy: Go up to second to top floor of the tower and pull the lever there.

[monk12]

*squints* ...Is that a dead horse on level 36?

Meta: Get everyone to the pedestal.

Fantasy: Convince Derm to summon me some legs.

The good news is that I think Derm can shut down this pump stack with a judicious summoning of magma. The bad news is that we need Derm to be judicious with magma.

[Dermonster]

Well monk I am already going down to heal you. In a technical sense.

And yay magma!

Did you create that fort specifically for this game?

[Gatleos]

*squints* ...Is that a dead horse on level 36?

Yup, and that's a "whirlpool" drowning trap it's in. You can see another horse fighting the current on level 38. Just for reference, the room where the water broke through and HEN found the map is just below that, on level 35. And the courtyard with the water pipe running through it is where you lost your legs.

Oh, and take the huge piles of mutilated corpses as you will- it got a lot worse shortly after that map was exported.

Did you create that fort specifically for this game?

Nah, it's been on the DFMA for a while now. Most of it is built completely haphazardly and held together with Dwarven duct tape, which makes it perfect for dungeon crawling.

[Gatleos]

I think we're reaching critical meta levels.

**********~
Turn 116
**********~

META TURN:

Storage ho?

Goals
Find the keycard stations.

Current Soundtrack
Dynamo Core

Actions

Meta: Find a shiny object.

(...) Well, there doesn't seem to be anything shiny in the holodeck now that it's been gutted of all its extraneous blinking lights and glowing panels, so you head into the storage area and search through there. Before long, you find a shiny spot on the wall! You feel a weak gravitational pull emanating from the spot, and... you think you can hear voices coming from it.

_{HOLD ON! I THINK I KNOW WHAT IT'S TRYING TO DO!}

RW: Jump into the hatch.

(...) You dance on top of the pedestal for a minute or so, trying to get the hatch open. Not much gets accomplished.

RW: To the pedestal room! Try to collect a bunch of webbing for later, and to sorta clear out the floor.

(...) You loiter out to the hallway. Maybe you'll go to the storage room later.

Meta: Go to pedestal and open the hatch.

(...) You head over to the pedestal and clamp down on it with your robotic arm! Try as you might, however, the hatch won't open. Two of the lights on the pedestal's surface light up in the meantime.

Meta: Get everyone to the pedestal.

(...) You grab Derm and toss him into the storage room, then go in yourself.

The last LED light on the pedestal lights up and the hatch springs open, revealing a SHINY RED BUTTON!

You run over to the pedestal and headbutt the button! The door at the front of the storage area slams shut and machinery can be heard activating nearby! Just then, Derek receives a transmission...

"Hey. Derek."
"...Uh... yes?"
"Just a little warning, we're about to come through there. Might wanna get away from that portal."
"What portal? Wait, are you me from the future?!"
"Oops, must have dialed earlier than I thought. Anyway, another thing. The, uh... boss guy."
"Yes?"
"He's on the ceiling. Like, right above you. Might wanna move. Oh, and there's gonna be some time travel involved later on. Just a heads up."

Status
Player: dermonster
Name: Derek L.
Occupation: Video game Developer/designer.
Location: Secondary Storage
Currently: Talking to himself.
Inventory: Explosive Collar | Jumpsuit | Splint | Bottle of Painkillers | Keen Helmet | Pencil x4 | Coffee Mug | Sonic Cannon | Marshall C. Coburn (commanding) | Micro Mecha Spider (commanding)
Wounds: Heavy Burns
Abilities: Code Expert | Neckbeard | NERD RAEG
Player: Frelock
Name: Frederick Stephonavich
Occupation: Actuary (Knowing probabilities of things)
Location: Secondary Storage
Currently: Getting ready for some sort of boss encounter type situation.
Inventory: Explosive Collar | Jumpsuit | Laser Dagger | Cheetah Arm | Thermometer
Wounds: Missing Arm | Heavy Bleeding
Abilities: Uncanny Prediction | Actuary's Lament | Tweak the Odds
Player: monk12
Name: Monk
Occupation: Troper
Description: Characteristically wears nice hats. Top hats, pirate hats, fedoras, you name it. Hopefully still has one in his possession.
Location: Certainly not still in the Holodeck
Currently: Being unnecessarily epic about everything.
Inventory: Moist Top Hat | Explosive Collar | Jumpsuit | Plasma Rifle | Balloon Animal | Mirror Suit
Wounds: None
Abilities: Applied Phlebotinum | TV Tropes Will Ruin Your Life | MacGyvering | Telekinesis | Pyrokinesis | Legendary Record Keeper
Player: HighEndNoob
Name: Kyle Hammers
Occupation: Janitor
Location: Secondary Storage
Currently: Staring at the wall.
Inventory: Explosive Collar | Jumpsuit | Mop | Rubber Gloves | Medkit | Power Cleaner | Wheelchair | Burlap Sack | Spray Can | Gas Mask | Bucket | Cleanz0r (commanding)
Wounds: Missing Legs | Triple Head Bumps | Blind | Nosebleed
Abilities: That's The Power of Pinesol, Bitch! | Clean Freak | Custodial Might | EMT | Digitigrade Legs | Telepathy | Clairvoyance
Player: _DivideByZero_
Name: John Freeman
Occupation: Drill Sergeant
Location: Secondary Storage
Currently: Sitting by the pedestal.
Inventory: Explosive Collar | 1/2 Jumpsuit | Turban | Unicorn Band-aids | Glass Shard | Fake Ammo Belts | Caruso Shades | Cheetah Arm | Spacesuit | Arm Cannon | Paperweight x3 | Gasoline Canister
Wounds: None
Abilities: Major Payne | Fullmetal Jacket | Apocalypse Now
Name: Marshall C. Coburn MkII Combat Droid
Description: A giant mechanical spider made of smaller mechanical spider parts. It was fitted with an advanced AI routine and can now talk. It also has a self-powered eye-laser taken from the remains of Xenocalamus.
Inventory: None
Wounds: None
Abilities: Eye Laser | Web Shooter

Group Attacks
Impromptu Singalong
Spur of Conflagration to Giga Lazor

Locations
The S.S. Periclase
Main Deck
Deck 2
Maintenance Deck 3, Main Elevator
Maintenance Deck 3, Living Quarters
Maintenance Deck 3, Engineering Lab
EARTH!
Elevator Controls
Interrogation Room 7E-365 (Deck M3): You were all shackled to chairs in here when you woke up. The door has been dropkicked off its hinges. There's circuitry on the walls, a row of monitors, and a row of 5 chairs.

Spoiler: INITIATING RTD ROUTINE (click to show/hide)

FANTASY TURN:

The quest for The Keystone has begun.

Goals
"KIDNAP THE MAYOR OF THIS TOWN AND ESCAPE" Complete!
Throw Ogomspoxom into the fires of Mt. Helmath! Complete!
Establish diplomatic relations with the Goblins! Failed Miserably
Brave the depths of Bistökmafol and deliver the package.

Current Soundtrack
Marsh Land

Actions

Fantasy: Get up and try to find where we're suppost to go.

(...)

"Hey, GM!"
"Hmm?"
"No, not you. The GM!"
"...Me?"
"Yes, you! Where am I suppost to go next?!"
"Where are you supposed to go...?"
"Yes! Suppost to go!"
"Couldn't you at least try to act in character, instead of questioning me directly? And where do you get off breaking the fourth wall like this?! Get back in the game, I'm busy!"
"Hey... why does your sprite have a higher resolution than everyone else's?"
"Ooooh, no you don't! Don't even try to flip this around on me! You're-"
"I bet you spent most of the turn making that pixel art portrait!"
"You know what? I don't have to take this. I'm outta here!"
"Wait, what about my turn?!? ...Damn it.
"Great, now I can't move."
"Quiet, you. Me. Whatever."

FW: Sheath weapons(s) and follow HEN.

(...) You jump down the hole in the roof and land on HEN. That was certainly useful.

FW: Teleport down to Edgar.

(...) You cleanly teleport to Edgar's side, producing no unwanted side effects whatsoever. ...Huh. Mutie comes rolling down the stairs after you.

Fantasy: Go up to second to top floor of the tower and pull the lever there.

(...) You run to the windmill tower and ascend the stairs! At the top you find a thin plank extended over a spinning vortex of water. At the other end of the pit, you find a pump stack and a couple of windmills. A quick lever pull stops the windmills (and the torrent of water) in their tracks. After a moment of silence, a chest appears and guess what there's a key in it oh boy.



You found a small key! You can use it to
 open a locked door somewhere around here. Or hatch.
 Just sayin'. Oh, and it'll disappear inexplicably when
 you're done with it.

Fantasy: Convince Derm to summon me some legs.

(...)

"COME OOOOOOOOOOON"
"I'm hurrying, okay?!"
"Look, Urist has some soap. Just get use your robe as a bandage and-"
"Bandages? I'm using summoning magic!"
"WHAT?! NO STOP DON'T PLEASE SAVE ME PIRATE JESUS AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH"

Status
Player: dermonster
Name: Derm Hell-binder
Occupation: Elemental Mage/Summoner.
Location: Entrance Hall, Bistökmafol
Currently: Amazed that nothing went wrong.
Inventory: Robes | Spiffy Hat | Keyring| Mutie (Commanding) | Sword | Armor | Rat x2 (Commanding) | ≡Plump Helmet Roast≡
Wounds: Heavy Burns | Brittle Skull
Abilities: Gift of the Magi (...) | Squishy Wizard | Summoner (...) | Tentacle Arm | Water Blast | Superheat | Tectonic Shift | Lightning Rod | Bonesalve The Savior of Mending
Player: Frelock
Name: Frelock Von-Heisenberg
Occupation: Luck-o-mancer (Manipulating probabilities of things)
Location: Tower Complex, Bistökmafol
Currently: Key get.
Inventory: Gold Coin | Peasant Robes | Golden Pocket Watch | Map of Westport | Long Sword | Armor | Spring Shoes
Wounds: No Liver
Abilities: Smooth Criminal | Accident Waiting to Happen | Befuddlement | Legsplosion | Greater Legsplosion | Armsplosion | Lich Curse
Player: monk12
Name: Edgar
Occupation: Sky Pirate
Location: Entrance Hall, Bistökmafol
Currently: Whining.
Inventory: Sleeveless Long Coat | Grappling Hook | Harpoon Gun | Bloody Arrow | Case of Booze | Mysteeeeeeerious Package | Scrying Orb | Ghost of Bloodbeard (Commanding)
Wounds: Right Forearm Missing | Left Arm Missing | Missing Leg x2 | Very Heavy Bleeding x2 | Faint
Abilities: Booze Power (...) | Terraphobia | Side-quest Radar | Possessed | Faint
Player: HighEndNoob
Name: HighEndNoob
Occupation: Ninja Sniper
Location: Tower Complex, Bistökmafol
Currently: N/A
Inventory: Robe | Throwing Dagger x18 | Musket | Musket Ammo x18 | Sword | Tattered Shirt | Leaf Barrel | Map of Bistökmafol
Wounds: Missing Tooth | Heavy Bleeding
Abilities: Immaculate Aim | Clumsy Fighter | 'Splode On Impact | Best Death EVAR | Legendary Swimmer
Player: _DivideByZero_
Name: Urist Anvilsmasher
Occupation: Soapmaker
Description
Location: Tower Complex, Bistökmafol
Currently: Laying on HEN.
Inventory: Cave Spider Silk Shoes x2 | Monkeytear the Fanciness of Wearing | Bar of Kitten Tallow Soap | Battle Axe | Bamboo Pegarm | Stone Arm | Ozurlidod
Wounds: Missing Arm x2 | Crooked Toe | Heavy Bruising | Missing Tooth x2 | Black Eye
Abilities: Dabbling Surgeon (...) | Meager Social Ability | Martial Trance | Prehensile Beard | Legendary Leatherworker
Name: Mutie
Description: A giant mass of biological matter with a cat head sticking out of it. It takes orders from Derm.
Inventory: None
Wounds: None
Abilities: None

Locations
Ashiorid
Hellfire Cove
The Borealis
Condition:
Sunk
Westport
Mayor's Ogomspoxom's Former Manor
Forest Retreat
Nolsmustul, Goblin Fortress

[Shotgun5559]

Uh...

Where's monk's fantasy move?

[monk12]

Was just about to say that- based on my current status, I'm guessing I rolled a 2 or something.