Alright children, gather 'round, because it's time for crazy uncle Kagus to snap, crackle and pop his fingers into action and tell y'all a story.
So, right, precisely one week ago, Wednesday... I should probably note that I'd spent 12-4 AM Tuesday morning sitting guard in the skeletal remains of the not-quite-in-the-field command. I'd also spent the hours leading up to my watch tearing down even more of the place, so there wasn't a whole lot of sleepy time going on.
Later Tuesday morning, when we normally would have gotten a get-out-of-service-free card to go catch up on sleep, we were forced into joining up with the rest of the platoon to take the mid-service physical exams, which are of course so important that absolutely everyone needed to drop everything and take them.
...except, of course, for the dudes who took the watch over for us and were still watching the now empty pile of tents and barbed wire. They had to do that.
So, instead of sleeping, we ran for three kilometers as quickly as we could, and then went straight over to taking as many push, sit and chin-ups as our bodies could handle.
After that we had half an hour where we learned how to properly line up at assembly. This method will never again be used, I might add.
After lunch we had a combination of combat training and bringing down the very, very last pieces of the field command testing junkheap. Did this mean we pulled together, were finished with the command center, and then used what time we had afterwards to run around in the woods and shout "bang"? Goodness no, this meant that half the platoon went off into the woods to start with and the other half went to do their best on the command remains, and then everyone switched roles after half an hour.
...well, that was the plan, anyways. What happened was that we didn't manage to finish off the command center, and during the switchoff between groups I somehow got lost in the system and sat in my room for an hour and a half wondering what the hell was going on and where the combat training group was supposed to be (Mind you, I wasn't complaining... An hour of sleep and an extremely physical day weren't exactly pumping my ability or desire to run and jump in the mud/forest).
During my switch on the field command removal, I explained the situation to the second lieutenant and asked if it was actually the idea that we were supposed to stagger through the day like we did.
He looked both honestly surprised and sympathetic, two very strong points of respect in his favor... He then asked if I felt capable of lasting the couple hours that were between us and end of service for the day. I said sure. He nodded his head and wished me a good night's sleep.
When the day is finally over, we peel off our clothes and land in our beds earlier than usual, completely wrecked and more than ready to fight the good fight against the heat, mosquitoes, and sunlight of Norwegian summer nights.
...
05:30 AM, alarm. Officers charging through the hallways, banging on doors, yelling their heads off, running into rooms and shouting at the dozing grunts to get their asses outside in negative time. And thanks to my thinking the sergeant was just testing us when he said to forget uniform, shoelaces and other accoutrements, I was last man outside (again). We got to take some yelling and push ups in the rain, then everyone ran in to switch out to the real deal. Washable uniform and helmet attached, we assembled outside yet again for some more yelling, push ups, and the confiscation of all personal items including watches, cell phones, snacks, snus, cigs, and all the other things we might desire.
The great floppy hat race, roughly four months behind schedule, had begun. Time to start running.
But, of course, you can't just run like that! You have to take all the essential things you need with you! Like this heavy machinegun tripod, the matching weapon base, this box of ammunition (note that we never actually carried the weapon itself... Just all the parts that go along with it), and these three full water cans which are specially shaped and designed to be both incredibly difficult to pour water out of and also completely impossible to carry efficiently. Did I mention that they weigh about 25Kg when full?
Alright, we've got our things, time to move out! Hey, here's a mountain, let's run around that to the other side! Okay, we're on the other side now, drop off the weapon parts. No, no, you keep the water cans and the ammo box. No, don't ask me why you're keeping the ammo box, you just are. No, you don't get to fill up your water bottles from the cans just yet. Oh, I have an idea! While we're waiting for those assistants over there to load up all the weapon parts you dropped off, we can run a couple laps around this soccer field! That'd be fun!
Okay, now that we're warmed up, it's time to take these water cans up to the top of the mountain we just passed by. Hurry! Hurry! If you don't walk faster, we'll have to run some more! Aw shucks, I'm just kidding... We're going to run anyways.
Good, good, we're at the top of the mountain... Here, you out of water? Fill up a bit from the cans. Careful not to spill! Wouldn't want to waste any! Waste not want not, especially if it means you get to carry rocks as well.
Alright, everyone is finished with water filling. Yes, that was a statement, not a question. Put the water cans in the cars, we're going to do some more running, and now it's going to be straight down a steep mountainside that's been rained on for the past three hours. The terrain is equal parts wet rock, wet mud and wet air. Wouldn't want to fall with that thing on top of you.
Congratulations, you've just managed to half-stumble, half-buttslide down the mountain. Everybody line up as squads and then take turns carrying their other squadmates up that hill and back. Everybody's had a go? Good. Now do it again.
One quick run back up part of the mountain again, and it's time to croak back to base. The long way, of course. What, did you think we'd use the gate on this side? Goodness no, that thing's SO last week...
Okay, we're back in base, we can see the assembly spot over there... Whoah whoah whoah partner, where do you think YOU'RE going? It's time to run the obstacle course! Hop, climb, crawl and slide your way around! Good fun, innit? Ah heck, since we're here, why not run a lap around that staff building? Might as well.
...
I had to be partially carried back to the assembly grounds. I had difficulty focusing on specific objects, I had severely reduced control over my body, and I could barely keep my balance enough to stand. I used up the remainder of my waning strength to partially keep pace with the others on the way back to the assembly block. I did my best to stay with the others during the round of push ups we took then, but only through severe determination and concentration did I manage to get back on all fours after each time I fell.
...but, hey... I'd made it this far! I'd actually done it! Through all that hate and pain and sweat and rain I had made it all the way back here! I was fairly proud of myself, and could just barely think straight enough to think that "dang, it'll be nice to sit down now that we're fin-"
"Alright, everyone run in and grab your combat vest, weapon, and all magazines. You have two minutes."
I tried. I swear I tried. I opened my closet, refocused on my key to get control of its location (still in my hand), haphazardly yanked my vest out of the closet, got my gun... And fell down on the spot. I hadn't blacked out, I just couldn't keep myself upright any more. I managed to hoarsely wheeze out to one of the others that they should get an officer while I used the gun, my closet, and the nearest bed to try and get back into a standing position.
A sergeant came in and had a short chat with me. He offered me a choice; I could either sit here with the sick, weak and rejected, or I could go out there again and finish this thing.
For me, it wasn't really a choice. I had to sit during the talk with the sergeant, and it was all I could do to keep my balance while sitting there (almost lost it when my concentration wavered). I was done. I had given everything I had to give of my mental and physical endurance. I had done as ordered, I had taken my fair share of the burden taken by the team, and I had fought on for the sake of all those around me. If that didn't qualify me for this chunk of wool, then I just didn't deserve it.
So, on recommendation from the sergeant, I choked down some quick-energy (basically just chewed on a few packets of high-sugar drink mix), enough to get me up and moving for a trip to the shower and then to change into different clothes.
And so I sat there, staring off into the middle distance, trying to reboot my brain. I had survived a little over three hours of the race before I reached the end of my rope and limply tossed in my towel at the feet of the sergeant's suggestion to keep going.
Six hours of sitting and staring later, everyone else came back. The fact that they could still speak, let alone move, was fascinating to me. I still had trouble finding my key, and I had even dozed off while sitting in the room trying to warm myself.
The evening was, of course, not completely over. About half an hour after everyone got back, the whole company was supposed to meet up and chat with the captain. That lasted a fair bit of time, and then supposedly the plan was for people to clean their guns for inspection the next day.
As I had never made it that far, it wasn't much of an issue for me. All I had to take into consideration was swathing my bleeding feet in bandages and then getting most of the mud out of my bed (I'd managed to thump it while collapsing earlier) so I could hit the sack. This time, everyone went to bed early... Not just because we were all dead on our feet, but because there was talk of phase 2 coming the next day.
I woke up roughly five times during that night. My exhaustion fought my stress for control of the wheel, and the ride through slumberland was a bumpy one.
"Phase 2" didn't come, though. At least not that night. Phase 1 DID come for the platoon on the other side of the barrack, and of course everyone woke up in a chill sweat at the sound... But we were still on the safe side.
And so the realization came, as tentative and shaky as we were, that we were done. We'd done it. We'd finally earned those little sack-hats, and in so doing had COMPLETELY removed our desire to wear them. Sore, tired and so stiff I couldn't turn my head all the way to the right, we hobbled through the usual routine... Clean the room, get a courtesy inspection, and then assemble in the usual manner. That day we got to swap out stuff at the depot (always a highlight, especially after something like that), then we had a semi-exercise session where we were just supposed to play soccer for a while (VERY entertaining to watch... Cripple Cup 2011). After that it was lunch, a quick lecture on how to properly tape your ankles against sprains, and... Yeah, pretty much that. Very easy Thursday, which I am truly grateful for... As certainly many others were as well.
The Friday-Sunday period is a story in and of itself, so I think I'll just take a little pause here after getting the most of our latest brush with hell down in writing. Friday morning I woke up with blood on the sheets thanks to my heels having gone through their period, and I've had a teensy bit of discomfort-turned-pain in my throat ever since Wednesday, which has now evolved into clumpy green things forcefully emigrating my sinus system. Again. Also, I now always know when it's my bedtime, because it becomes hysterically painful to swallow right around when I need to sleep.
So, until next time (later), here's me. Still alive, or at least working on it. Also still very happy with being the priest's assistant. VERY GODDAMN HAPPY.
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Topic: All I Want For Xmas is an HK416 (Read 74773 times)