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Author Topic: All I Want For Xmas is an HK416  (Read 74858 times)

Zrk2

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Re: All I Want For Xmas is an HK416
« Reply #60 on: February 20, 2011, 02:34:45 am »

Ideally it should look like it crawled on top of your head from your right shoulder, then died there.

Guess I got a new signature.

I would too, but I just got one from Strife.

Also, try not to kill yourself in a freak (non) flaming lunchbox accident.
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Kagus

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Re: All I Want For Xmas is an HK416
« Reply #61 on: February 27, 2011, 07:21:33 pm »

It can be a bit of a pain.

You are quite the comedian, my friend...


Ah, delicious hatred...  I'd much rather be sleeping right now, and the cat rubbing its head against my keyboard is making things difficult to write.  Still better than the public terminals though, and I have a moral obligation to pull my scribe act on this stuff for your reading pleasure, so here I am.

I could go into a long and detailed description of the ski march, but I shall refrain from doing so...  Both for the safety of my own psyche, and also because it's best if I don't say too much about what we get into here. 

The first day, I put my skis on and then managed to fall down two times before even making it out of the barracks.  Third time was five feet from the gate.

I forget precisely how many times I fell down that day (total for the entire trip is 12.  +1 I'll get into later), but it was more than fair share even for someone who has skied once before in his life eight years before.  I doubt my squadmembers were entirely impressed with our marching speed what with how we needed to stop and scrape me off the snow every few minutes, and I'm quite certain the sergeant leading us was not happy. 

Apparently, his idea of a skiing lesson is to tell someone they need to bend their knees and keep their back as straight as possible.  After this intensive training, pretty much anyone should be an expert.  Much to his surprise and chagrin, I was still suffering from mysterious spells of gravity.


Long story short, I gave my god damned all on that trip out.  I mean it.  I will not allow anyone, not even officers, to get away with saying I didn't try hard enough.  That +1 I mentioned earlier was my last fall of the day, when my legs (which had been shaking for some time with the effort of holding me up) gave out and I collapsed.  The sergeant then irritably ripped my skis off, handed them to me, then ordered me to walk up the hill in front of us.  I was then afforded a short pause along with another incapacitated soldier, and then we both had to ski a bit more to make it to the rendevouz point where we'd get picked up.

...and, because we were both idiots and said we wanted it that way, dropped off at the campsite.


Second day, we got to learn a bit about how you poke a stick in the ground, and how to push a button back and forth on a little electronic device.  We are now prepared for the event of someone becoming trapped by an avalanche.  We also learned the correct method of how to get trapped by an avalanche.

Then we put the skis on again, and slowly sped along for the rest of the day.  This tranquility was broken only by our sergeant becoming so annoyed with my slow speed that he finally took my large pack off and put it in the squad's moron-sled (this thing really wants to be a sled, but doesn't quite make it beyond the stage of being some wood with a tarp nailed to it).

Things then took an entirely and completely unexpected turn for the worse when it was discovered that a tracktruck (a curious vehicle consisting of two belted tin cans that are tied together with some string) had made an altogether too strong impression on the snow, and that the other tracktruck that came to pull the first one out made a similar white bed for itself.  This was, of course, all directly in the middle of the path we were supposed to take.

So instead of the original plan, we tripled back and went somewhere completely different where we sat in tents and froze our asses off because three out of five squads ran out of fuel for their lunchboxes during the night.  I also had the coldest experience of my life, which was interesting.  Just some convulsing and grunting as my body desperately attempted to warm itself up.  Then the morning really got started as people began giving me lip for various reasons (a couple people in our squad have discovered the entertaining joy of shouting at grunts like the sergeants do.  This helps nothing). 

But, hey, I got to see northern lights for the first time in my life.  Too bad I was busy setting up a tent.


Third day, we ski back.  Or, rather, I attempt to ski back, fall down a couple more times, have all the blood retract from my nose, and then get planted at a rendevouz point to get driven back to base.  Along with another fellow from my team, who I imagine had a far worse time than I did.  I mean, after all, he did acquire such ludicrous blisters on his feet that he bled through two pairs of socks and then into the leather of his boots, causing red spots to appear underneath the goddamn shoe polish.  As the depot had also refused to switch out his insulating foot-bags for a larger size (claiming they fit just fine and that he should stop complaining), this blood had also frozen.


However, the third day had a few good points...   We were finally awarded our floppy blue hats, without the need to go ice-swimming for them (a theme that had been obviously planned earlier, but came to naught due most likely to...  Well, to poor planning).  We went throught the ceremony of receiving them, made note of how stylish they can be if worn properly, and were then let off for the rest of the day to eat burgers and hot dogs provided by the military volunteer organization dedicated to making our lives moderately less miserable.

Being pescetarian, I ate buns with potato salad.  The high point of the day, however (aside from learning that for all practical purposes, boot camp was over), was my bed.  My ugly little bunkbed.  That night, I loved it truly, deeply, and dearly...  I loved it all night and into the morning of our first day of leave...


...and was promptly written up for the second time due to oversleeping (first time was thanks to sickness making me too weak to sit up in bed).  D'oh.



Now, my weekend leave is essentially over (fairly well spent in the company of Hatman and his fiancée...  And their Xbox), and I shall be returning to the incredibly troubling question of whether or not life is better after the beret.  But, with any luck, I should survive...   At least now it looks like we'll be let off at 3:30 PM each day, which is a luxury I cannot begin to describe.

In any case, I'm gonna spend my time hoping to hell it was worth sticking around long enough to kick Boot.  Whatever time I have leftover will be spent making this lump of wool sit properly on my head like it's damned well supposed to.  GAAAGH!

Zrk2

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Re: All I Want For Xmas is an HK416
« Reply #62 on: February 27, 2011, 08:11:37 pm »

Well, the worst should be over now. So it's going to get much worse.
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Sowelu

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Re: All I Want For Xmas is an HK416
« Reply #63 on: February 27, 2011, 09:09:35 pm »

Congratulations on your hat!
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Siquo

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Re: All I Want For Xmas is an HK416
« Reply #64 on: February 28, 2011, 07:11:33 am »

I learned a new word: pescetarian.

Also, learning how to ski is an essential component of becoming a Man. You will be using muscles you didn't know you had before, and to the untrained leg it's tiresome. At least you didn't get hurt too much (ie: fall off a cliff) :)

It's totally unlike snowboarding. Snowboarding is fine, if you're "into other men", and stay off my mountain.  8)
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Erkki

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Re: All I Want For Xmas is an HK416
« Reply #65 on: February 28, 2011, 09:55:28 am »

You have any idea what the primary role will be? Hope not moving mud.  :P

Been through all that. Twice. You'll smile at it later, you're now doing stuff you'll be remembering 10 years later. Myself? How does sound sleeping 3 hours a night for a week, ending with 24h nothing but assaulting in a waist-deep snow, uphill, only to be told you're going to have a funny overnight march of 40km, when you cant even stand up without your eyes blacking out?  ;D

Also got to do my best prank ever. -27-28C out or less(very cold, windy star clear night), and I told my men to not keep the fire alive in one tent(they were all sarges + there). They woke up 1:30 AM to the cold, and put the fault on the guy who fell asleep last.  :P

edit: the "tent game" was great. Believe me, its even better when you're watching others do it. Also believe it or not, doing the yelling as a sarge is not that easy... You can lose your voice very quick! I had to develop a special way of yelling to spare my throat.

If you "get to" be a NCO, you'll start seeing things in a rather different light. There are very good reasons behind almost all the now silly looking practices, exercises and "games". Most of them are very necessary until you get to all know each other and work together as a solid unit.
« Last Edit: February 28, 2011, 10:12:44 am by Erkki »
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Zrk2

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Re: All I Want For Xmas is an HK416
« Reply #66 on: February 28, 2011, 03:41:50 pm »

You have any idea what the primary role will be? Hope not moving mud.  :P

Been through all that. Twice. You'll smile at it later, you're now doing stuff you'll be remembering 10 years later. Myself? How does sound sleeping 3 hours a night for a week, ending with 24h nothing but assaulting in a waist-deep snow, uphill, only to be told you're going to have a funny overnight march of 40km, when you cant even stand up without your eyes blacking out?  ;D

Also got to do my best prank ever. -27-28C out or less(very cold, windy star clear night), and I told my men to not keep the fire alive in one tent(they were all sarges + there). They woke up 1:30 AM to the cold, and put the fault on the guy who fell asleep last.  :P

edit: the "tent game" was great. Believe me, its even better when you're watching others do it. Also believe it or not, doing the yelling as a sarge is not that easy... You can lose your voice very quick! I had to develop a special way of yelling to spare my throat.

If you "get to" be a NCO, you'll start seeing things in a rather different light. There are very good reasons behind almost all the now silly looking practices, exercises and "games". Most of them are very necessary until you get to all know each other and work together as a solid unit.

Pfft. Semantics.
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olemars

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Re: All I Want For Xmas is an HK416
« Reply #67 on: February 28, 2011, 04:02:54 pm »

So you didn't try to "waterski" behind a BV206? I guess not if they managed to get stuck, which I thought was nearly impossible. The concept is simple, a rope is attached to the back of the BV, then about 10-15 soldiers grab the rope evenly spaced and hang on as well as they can while the BV goes full speed. It's a quite efficient mode of transportation as long as everybody survives.

It tends to be the big finale of ski training, mostly because there's usually some injuries and missing soldiers afterwards.

edit: German wikipedia article had picture of the activity
« Last Edit: February 28, 2011, 04:06:44 pm by olemars »
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Kagus

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Re: All I Want For Xmas is an HK416
« Reply #68 on: March 07, 2011, 01:18:32 pm »

Yeah, my granddad actually told me about his "waterskiing" experiences, where he got to be the last guy on the rope and brace for the rest of the dudes the entire trip because someone forgot to tell them to switch.

And yeah, we had our primary role assignments taken care of last week.  I applied to both technical assistant and container controller positions (this troop has hysterically exciting positions).  I was awarded neither.  Instead, I am a grunt.  I shall set up tents, and take them back down.  Sometimes, I'll get to set up barbed wire and take that down too.  If I'm really lucky I'll get to patrol the field base in full combat gear and move jerrycans from one place to the next.

And, quite likely, I'll get to move mud around come summertime.


I begin to think that maybe I should have joined one of the other troops...  But then I remember that they need to sit on top of mountains and have sadistic officers.  They're also a bunch of holier-than-thou stuckups, whereas we're pretty much a laughable excuse for a military division and are as such rather chill for the most part.


There's been some grumbling amongst the other companies because we're going to be partaking in the big international exercise coming up.  Apparently, the older divisions consider us to be a bunch of wet-behind-the-ears looney greenhorns who are a disgrace to their country, which...  isn't really that far off the mark.

olemars

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Re: All I Want For Xmas is an HK416
« Reply #69 on: March 07, 2011, 01:27:05 pm »

A friend of mine got appointed to "telefax operator". You'll at least get some fresh air.

Did you get the HK416 or are you stuck with the G3?
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Urist is dead tome

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Re: All I Want For Xmas is an HK416
« Reply #70 on: March 07, 2011, 02:26:29 pm »

I am grunt.

In the context this is grammatically accurate.
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Jackrabbit

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Re: All I Want For Xmas is an HK416
« Reply #71 on: March 07, 2011, 03:21:17 pm »

Is it? It looks like it requires an 'a' or 'ing'.

Word of God says I am right ahahahaa.

ANYWAY, international exercise? Sounds exciting, actually. Maybe you should use this as your chance to earn the respect of the vets by preforming really well. It could be like the final fight from the Karate Kid and if you find an old Norwegian vet to teach you kung foo well, so much the better.
« Last Edit: March 07, 2011, 03:23:57 pm by Jackrabbit »
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Zrk2

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Re: All I Want For Xmas is an HK416
« Reply #72 on: March 07, 2011, 03:59:21 pm »

It could be like the final fight from the Karate Kid and if you find an old Norwegian vet to teach you kung foo well, so much the better.

This must become a signature.
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Taricus

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Re: All I Want For Xmas is an HK416
« Reply #73 on: March 07, 2011, 04:00:05 pm »

It could be like the final fight from the Karate Kid and if you find an old Norwegian vet to teach you kung foo well, so much the better.

This must become a signature.
Don't mind me...
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Kagus

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Re: All I Want For Xmas is an HK416
« Reply #74 on: March 11, 2011, 12:10:35 pm »

We got the shiny new shooters, haven't even seen a G3 except in some old pictures.  No sign of a so-called "star chamber" either, so that's nice.  I actually enjoy cleaning the thing, it's like a kind of meditation.  Also, I've fallen madly in love with gun oil.


I've also developed a grudge towards barbed wire.  Not so much the quirky act of stringing it out and setting it up, more just the hell of trying to get a single roll of it off the wire platform, a simple task made nearly impossible thanks to the razor hooks getting tangled and stuck to each other.  The advice we were given?  "Just shake it a bit.  Don't get it in your eye, that could hurt".

Ironically, the outdated older barbed wire type (which we do have a few rolls of here and there) doesn't get stuck quite so easily since the barbs don't hook around.  And, naturally, we had to wear the $300+ jacket while handling this stuff, and the gloves made specifically for the job are now just a bunch of tatters, due to their being made of materials that don't really like sharp objects...  Like barbed wire.


Another point that irritates me is how effectively useless it is as a real defense against anything except the odd moose.


Beyond that, plus how hilariously unprepared we are for the exercise, and the fact that I'm mildly sick yet again, and that I slipped on the ice the day before the ski march and twisted my hip slightly out of alignment, which has only been made worse by how the entire base is now covered in extraordinarily slick ice (we had to march to the other side of the base for something today, and the sergeant called a chauffer to pick him up and drive him over instead of walking on the ice)...  Yeah, beyond all that, I'm doing fairly alright.  Long-standing psychological issues aside, of course.


Might consider going out on the town later tonight with a couple of the guys.  A drastically lowered tolerance level (thanks to time constraints and alcohol rules) actually makes a fine bedfellow for the fact that two beers will put you back more the wages you make in a day.

There are a number of people considering a night out at "Northern Norway's top-rated strip club", due to some special party planned there tonight.  Sure as I am that the northernmost and least-populated corner of a country with just over 4 million inhabitants has extraordinarily high standards regarding adult entertainment, I doubt it would be much more amazing than the kind of stuff you find while just walking the streets around Vegas.  Considering going, but I think I'd rather settle for something a little less exciting.  Sittin' and sippin' with a couple pals is fine enough for me.


We got some new equipment today, including boots that are useless during cold weather, gloves that fall apart if you use them too much, and a Leatherman.

Apparently, all the usefulness of this package is centered around the Leatherman.


Also, I had my ID picture re-taken recently.  Apparently the three they took when I first went in for the card weren't nearly enough.  Finally, I can get a real military ID instead of this silly little handwritten note from the second lieutenant's scribble pad that grants recruit Kagus the allowance to leave the barracks at his need.  Why, I don't even care that the picture was taken on a truly classic example of a "Bad Hair Day" where I looked like a mentally disturbed hedgehog.  No, none of that matters, as I will finally join the rest of the goddamn company with my very own Big Boy card...

...in three weeks.  Or so.
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