Well lets start reviewing your review.
For a start, you should practice your speech. Right now it sounds highly prerehersed, and you want a nice natural flow. Your not a BBC presenter, talking about the mating habbits of a perticular species of squirrel, your a gamer talking about something that you think is interesting enough to reveiw.
Secondly, we do not need to ever see your face. In fact better if we don't. Not saying your ugly, just saying people want to see a lot more of the game.
Thridly, the music. Once the DF theme broke out, I was all like "AWW YES!", but you know, it's not hugly fitting to use it for the entire reveiw. You could have used it a number of different ways, personaly I approve of having it as the mjaor theme song of this reveiw though.
Forth, don't mock people who think that because there CPU can run crisis, it can do DF, with a most annoying voice. Your trying to have these people like and agree with your point of veiw.
Now onto what you did right.
The order that you presented features in was well done, allowing for the audiences to slowly get to know 'what' it is there looking at. This can be harder to do then people think, so kudos to you.
Using jargon specific to the DF community was, in my opinion a good call, as it does draw intrest. People want to know what 'too much fun' is, and expirience the cat overgroth for themselves.
Some good advice to new players to do some homework before playing. With a learning curve like DF, it's good that you try and soften it a bit.
So there you have it. A reletivly good review.