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[Tuxman]

Me and my folks have been going through a hard time. My dad started working away from home (occasionally comes back on weekends) and my mother's job has been "stressful" or so I've heard.

Anyway, it comes down to this. My mother has a tendency to have a hissy fit whenever I do something wrong. In this particular case, she told me to set some supplies (for putting a Christmas tree up) on the front porch. I took them up front and put them down in the middle.

Well, turns out we had no duct tape, so we had to go to the store. We went outside, and she saw that I had put the stuff in the middle of things. Being her overly prudent and irritable self, she went off on a tangent about how I need to have common sense when putting things down.

The hammer we were using was in the middle, and she said that it would fly up and hit someone's face should they step on it (which is completely nuts). Being my rather argumentative self, I told her that I figured it would only be there for a few minutes and it wasn't a big deal. We had a rather small argument, but apparently to her it escalated quickly.

While I was talking, she grabbed me by my shoulders and shook me yelling in my face something (don't remember exactly what) like "Pay attention to me!" or something. By reflex, I grabbed her arms and pulled them off of me.

She has rheumatoid arthritis, so her joints are rather inflammatory. My removing of her hands from my person caused an inflammation.

She became so angry that she stormed off and went to the store herself. When she came back, she yelled at me, telling me that I was "Trash" and "worse than an asshole" for laying my hands on another person. Claiming that this situation wasn't serious because she was especially vulnerable to physical exertion, she yelled that she would "call the police if you lay another hand on me" and others.

This is particularly hypocritical because she said, and I quote, "Any person who lays a hand on another is worse than an asshole," while she herself initiated the physical conflict. All I did was remove her hands from my person.

She is not the type that would ever say sorry or forgive unless I prostrate myself before her begging for it. That being said, I feel rather strongly that she is at fault. I'm not sure how to act. She won't even look at me now, but I don't feel that I am at fault.

I said sorry sincerely and submitted myself to punishment (which she hasn't administered yet) but I feel that things will be very awkward from now on and it angers me to think about the unfairness of the situation. She won't see the errors in her ways unless I confront her very seriously, which is something I take no pleasure in doing (have done it before, and feel like an asshole later).

I don't feel bad for what she wants me to feel bad for. I'm sorry that I hurt her, but the situation doesn't seem to warrant her reaction. I don't know what to do.

Am I at fault here? Shouldn't she be to blame for laying hands on me first? And how do I approach her now that its been a while? Things are still rather awkward.

[Blargityblarg]

If your mother is normally a reasonable person, the the whole shebang is probably the result of stress, IMO- both from her work and your dad not being around as much. Try to be understanding, but don't let her steamroll you when you're clearly in the right. Don't raise you voice et cetera, but stand your ground when you think you're the victim.

[Graebeard]

This type of situation is, it seems, the kind where specific advice would be worthless because we can't take into consideration all the nuances of your relationship with your parents.

I can, however, offer some general observations:

First, I've always fared better in an argument when I've held my temper in check and allowed the other person to finish speaking/acting before I reply.  People arguing with one another are rarely trying to convince the other about something.  Usually, it's just a matter of trying to communicate (albeit poorly) anger/frustration/fear to the other.  Respectfully et them finish, acknowledge their point of view, and only then calmly communicate your position.  All this is really hard, particularly when you're emotional.

Second, remember that seemingly irrational anger often really arises from a different source that the immediate cause.  I bet she was thinking about more than the hammer when she was yelling.  This means two things: (1) you shouldn't argue about the hammer, because it's not the real issue, and (2) her reason for being upset may be totally legitimate even if the excuse for the argument (hammer) is ridiculous.

Third, winning an argument is worthless when you loose the relationship.  Now, you don't have to best friends with your parents, but I bet you'd be a lot happier if your relationship with them was better.  Take responsibility for building that relationship even, no, especially, if they are doing a bad job of it.  You owe it to yourself.

Good luck.

[The Merchant Of Menace]

Can't offer any real advice except to leave her alone 'til she calms down.
It sucks to have unreasonable parents...

[Mindmaker]

I have a similar problem.
Fortunately their focus shifted a bit to my little brother, once he had grown up a bit.

[FearfulJesuit]

The answer is magma.

[smjjames]

As far as the hammer goes, irrational as it may have been, maybe your mom just didn't want anybody to get hurt.

Seriously though, like Graebeard said, this is the kind of situation where we can't really help because we don't know your parents and the specifics of that relationship.

[ChairmanPoo]

I think you should have a talk with her on the nature of mutual aggressive gestures, when both of you have cooled down.

[Karlito]

Communicate Effectively.

Graebeard has the right idea, it's not really about the hammer. Your mother has some kind of greater need, whether it's simply a desire to feel that things are in order, or something else. You know your mother better than we do.

Probably the most important thing is to avoid argument, and keep your head. You don't want to respond angrily to someone shouting at you, you'll just make them angrier and more defensive. Acknowledge the anger, and the reasons for it, and don't be afraid to talk about your own feelings and your own needs, even if it's considered to be "unmanly". Opening up to another person is the best way to get them to open up in kind, and if you can accomplish that you've shifted the conversation from "what you did wrong" to "what needs to be done".

[Muz]

I just try to avoid them. I've learned to treat neurotic people like children.. just humor them and don't take them too seriously. It doesn't actually solve the problem of them being neurotic or pissed, but makes me less angry with them. And find someone else (like a sibling) to complain to about them.

[JimiD]

It sounds like your family is going through a difficult time.  Your dad is away, your mum is stressed at work and 'cause you dad is away.  Presumably he is only away because there is no work nearby, and has looked for a while.  In otherwords work and money is also causing stress.  So there are a lot of bigger issues other than where a hammer is put down.  Most of the arguments I have with my wife and kids are not because of the topic we are arguing about but because one, or both of us is too tired or stressed to deal with the issue rationally or appropriately.

So its not likely your mum is neurotic, but that shes not dealing with small things, because of the big things.  It is hard enough to bring up kids with two parents, I have tremendous respect (and no idea how they do it) for single parents.  Your mum would probably like more support, and perhaps you can provide it.  Sometimes that means taking a bit of being shouted at on the chin, sometimes being told off when your in the right, and keeping your mouth shut.  Shes not upset about the hammer in the wrong place, but about the situation the family is in.  Its more important that your family pulls through this difficult time sucessfully together, than you win every hammer in the wrong place argument.

And with the touching and joints thing, I guess shes in pain now and this just adds to the pressure.  I guess she wants you on her side, and the argument with you has only made things worse, so some of the anger and frustration is ending up in your direction, wrongly.  You have to show support with your actions, which it sounds like you are, and also with the little things, like the things you say.

And saying sorry* and telling someone you love them will do no end of good.  Learning how to rebuild bridges with someone you love when you have both dug yourself in, will be useful in the long run.
*even if you think, and are, in the right.

[Ø]

Oh right, that very tense confrontation with your mother/father, usually more likely to occur the closer to moving out you are, that permanently disfigures your relationship with each other. It's inevitable.

Solution to disgruntled mother? She is ALWAYS right. ALWAYS right. IE Yes, you are at fault. Keep your head down and avoid her for awhile when you can and wait for her to cool off from that incident.

[Zrk2]

Whenever she yells do not yell back. Answer in a level tone with clear arguments. All the bluster in the world will wilt if you do that because it is impossible to have a one sided argument.

Make dinner or something one night and have a reasonable discussion about the problem.

If that fails: Life's a bitch, then you die.

[Assassinfox]

Reminds me of my relationship with my parents.  Find a place to move into and get as far away from her as possible.  Parents are a lot more pleasant when they're not around, sadly.