Cross posting in happy thread because it's sorta both.
I do martial arts, have for a significant portion of my life, I've said things to this effect before. But up until now it's been purely in the role of a student; I teach classes fairly regularly but I don't decide the advancement of other students or anything like that. But recently my sensei and I have been looking into setting up a subsidiary school that I'd run a few days a week as a way for me to continue doing martial arts as I go through school and also make money, and it's been implied to possibly lead into other things...?
This prospect is naturally exhilarating, but also fucking terrifying because holy shit that's a huge responsibility I'd be trusted with and the thought of accidentally fucking it up petrifies me. If it goes through it'd be such a good occupation! I already do this stuff for fun and health several times a week, if I can make that passion into a livelihood then I'd be effectively bettering myself, for money! Who could ask for more than that as far as occupation goes? But if I fuck up I won't just have let down a business opportunity, I'll have let down my mentor's trust in me, which took a long time to build up.
I'm resolved to not fuck up, but still. Looking at it in the future is ... I know it'll be such a good opportunity for growth, learning valuable shit, and bettering the lives of other people if it goes through and I want to succeed in it so badly. That's what scares me, I think - I've rarely desired something to this degree, and I have little to reference and compare it to. The only sort of emotional state I've experienced that's remotely similar to this cocktail of excitement and terror are the various times I've legitimately become infatuated with somebody, and even that doesn't really match up entirely.
the fact that that's also happening again but in what appears to be a potentially receptive situation both is and isn't helping things aaaa